The Second Phone Call We Had Been Waiting For

The phone rang. It was 7:30 in the morning on a Thursday. It was August 25, to be exact. As I was getting ready to answer the phone I thought this is it. This could be good news of our clearance or it could be bad news of more time before we can go and get our boys. The voice on the other end of the phone said, “Tracy?” “This is her was my response. My heart was in my stomach. She asked, “Have you checked your email?” I replied, “Not in the last 3 minutes.” She laughed. Then she said, “You’re cleared!!!!”  I replied, “We are?” She said, “Yes!!!” She added, “I did not expect to be making this phone call today!” I replied, “Me either”

And with that one phone call everything has changed. Now that the embassy has cleared us we have scheduled our appointment with them. This means we can travel to go and get the boys. When we come home they will be coming with us!!!!!!

We are so very excited. I miss the boys and I can’t wait to see them. To take them from the orphanage and take them home with us. We are trying to get all the last minute things that need doing done.

Three things have struck me as we move to last step in this part of our adoptwaiting journey. The first is, our roller coaster ride is not over yet. Helping two boys adjust to a new family, a new country and leaving everything they know behind. Well, that’s no small undertaking. :) There are many stories to be told of that journey.

Second, I think this means I am nearing graduation with my PhD in waiting. I sometimes wondered if this day would come. Knowing that God is faithful I knew it would. But it was always a question if I would live long enough for that to happen! It just occurred to me I think I need to have a party and celebrate this!!

The third thing is that I want to encourage all those in the adoptwaiting processes who are not done yet. I have been blessed to meet so many people in all different stages of adoptwaiting. I follow so many of your journeys and so many of you are near and dear to my heart. The thing is, is that when I was in the heat of waiting looking at a step that I have been stuck at, I am not sure I always heard or received the encouragement others shared. I thought “Easy for you to say your not waiting” So I know there is precious little I can say. But I can say this God is with you. He has not forgotten you. Even though He seems silent, He is working behind the scenes. Just because you cannot see it does not mean He is not working. I look forward to celebrating many other graduations from the Lord’s PhD in waiting!

I Don't Think I Thought It Would Happen To Me

It all started when Jeff was gone on a mission trip. I was at work. I was taking 3 – 1-hour tests and I was at my desk on one of my 15-minute breaks. I saw I had a missed call. I checked the message while simultaneously checking my email. It was our agency saying they did not have some very important paper. Being the opposite of the verse in James that says be slow to anger, slow to speak. I quickly called our agency and got voicemail. In my best-irritated, accusatory voice, I left a message implying it was them not us. I had a moment of clarity and realized that can’t be good what I just did, and I apologized at the end of my message. I then proceeded to call my husband, who was on a mission trip, in the middle of a tropical storm, and in my best irritated, possibly even accusatory voice asked if he had completed his part of getting this paper to our agency.

I proceeded to go home over lunch just to check if the important papers were there. While there I called a few friends to vent my frustration. Whew, then it hit me. My adoption agency is not the enemy. They actually WANT to help us complete our adoption. My husband is not the enemy; he is on this crazy, super stressful rollercoaster ride called adoption or adoptwaiting as I like to call it. Sometimes things just ARE, and as much as I want there to be someone to blame often there is no one person responsible.  Even though I like to attempt to through blame around to see who and what it might stick to.

Needless to say our paperwork crisis was solved and I went back to waiting just as I had been before. Or so I thought.

Because when we were waiting to hear if that our case had been submitted to the embassy. I reached a whole new level of adoptwaiting-has-made-me-crazy. We had not heard ANYTHING. I had checked my email easily a million times by this point. I thought I am going to call our agency to see if our adoption worker was in.  My reasoning was that she leaves on her voicemail if she is in or out of the office. If she is out of the office, then more than likely we wont hear anything and that knowledge would give me peace. Or so I told myself. So it has been quite some time, years, since I have called someone only to listen to their voicemail and hang up. But indeed that is what I did. She was in by the way and I was no better off than when I started. At the time I did not see how I was trying to gain control by KNOWING something or by just FINDING OUT information. I had information and I was in no more control than when I started.

Fast forward to this week. We have been waiting to hear from the embassy on our case. Again I thought I was back at where I was before, waiting.

We had not heard ANYTHING and it had been a week since we were submitted. It seemed like other people had received news in a week but we had heard nothing. I began to fret about all the reasons why we had not heard anything. Even in this crazy state I had sound mind enough to help others recognize lies they believed, but I could not see it in my own situation.

Then the pity party started. This was a force to be reckoned with and there was no stopping it now. It all culminated in my leaving for lunch with my co-workers and one of them asking if we heard anything yet. That’s when I cried.

I re-tell these events not stir anyone to feel sorry for me nor am I saying I am proud of all of my behaviors. But I truly believe that sharing in a real way, even though it reveals my flaws and imperfections is one of the best ways I know how to share about what I have learned, things that I am still learning and the things I hope to learn or maybe a better way to say it is things I hope to practice more.

If you knew me before we started this process you might be able to go into the way back machine and recall when I was not crazy. Okay how about less crazy. I think pride blinded me and it was easy to believe that I would not be like “some of those” crazy moms, who were in the middle of their adoptwaiting journey. I love that God has a sense of humor because many times that the very thing we say we don’t want to do, is the very thing we end up doing.

Pride pulls a double whammy because not only does it tell you that YOU won’t be like that but it also tells you can do this on your own. However, most journeys in life are not meant to be done alone. That is especially true for the long, difficult, and sometimes painful journeys that we may be on.

I have learned that while each stressful situation ended. I did not go back to zero; I was still at high alert. So when new stress came I had less and less to respond to them with because I was not resetting to zero. I was still stressed even though the stressor had ended.

I would like to practice extending more grace to myself. If I could deal with me they way I deal with others who are in similar circumstances I would treat me more kindly. It can be so easy to say what could have or should have been done. But as I was telling a good friend it is not always easy to see in ourselves the growth and maturity others see even when we don’t respond, as we would have hoped. I hope to practice seeing these good things in me more in the future.

Do You See That Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

Paperwork and adoptwaiting go hand and hand.

The final step is for us to get an embassy appointment in Ethiopia. At that meeting they will meet with the boys and us and grant the boys visa’s to travel to the US with us. In order to get that meeting, our agency has to submit our application, which includes all kinds of paperwork. Once the embassy receives that paperwork they review it to make certain everything is correct and there. If all the paperwork is accounted for and in order the embassy will grant us clearance to travel and we will get an appointment. If there is missing paperwork. Or errors the embassy will request new paperwork. The new paperwork is submitted. The embassy again reviews this and either grants clearance or proceeds to request further information. And so the cycle goes until everything is in order.

We found out that we were submitted to the embassy yesterday. So we are waiting and praying that everything is in order in our file and no further paperwork will be needed. But even if more paperwork is needed, we know it is for the protection of the children. So even though that does not always make the waiting any easier, we are in support of having these kinds of checks and balances.

We are thankful that we have reached this place in our adoptwaiting journey. The end is closer than it was the last time I blogged. Even if we have to wait because more documentation is needed, we are still near the end of this part of our journey. Feel free to remind me of that if I whine about having to wait longer. : )

The Race

I sometimes feel that adoptwaiting is like running a race. Right now I feel like we are in the last ¼ mile running up the last hill, just before the finish line. I can see the finish line from here. It’s close. But just like running in a race sometimes your tired, you get a cramp and you just want to stop.

But that’s crazy because you are near the end. You can’t quit now. But your body aches, more than usual. You’re out of breath. For some reason even though you have run this same distance, many times before. Today you just don’t think you can do it. I resonate with feeling like this.

Feelings are complicated. We need to be in control of our feelings not the other way around. Knowing and believing this truth does not make choosing it any easier.

I have spent much of my blog space contemplating feelings and God’s truth. That is the crazy thing about feelings they are not always theologically correct. I can know that God is control but still feel worried. This does not make these types of feelings wrong or bad.

I have spent much time mulling over the fact that someone can tell you all the kinds of truth regarding your situation. That does not always take away the feelings. They are your feelings. You need to feel them. However, feeling them, working through them and not letting them be in control of you that can be tricky. Telling your feelings the truth can be a complicated but necessary and difficult thing to do.

So even though I feel like I want to stop running, of course I am not going to quit the race. I may sit and catch my breath. Or I may even keep running. But either way I am going to keep on keeping on.

I have found a lot of encouragement from my Streams in the Desert devotional. One that I continue to take comfort in speaks to how we “don’t need to try to “be strong”, just be still and know He is God.

If you would like to read this devotion you click here. 

Secondary Waiting

The key to our passing court and having our adoption be official was receiving our MOWA letter. I am happy to report that we received this news yesterday! We have our letter and passed court on July 12!!!!

I was at work when I got the news. I was so excited I had to tell EVERYONE! Here is a replay of a conversation:

Me “We got our MOWA letter, we passed court, the boys are now officially ours!”

Coworker 1 “YAY! What’s next?”

Coworker 2 “Are you going to get the boys now?”

Me “ No not yet, we get to do more waiting!!!!”

Coworker 1 “Your good at that”

Through out this whole adoptwaiting process, as we would pass exciting milestones, I would share with people. Often we would have some version of the conversation above. People would be excited for us and would ask "What's next?" or "Can you go and get them now?" I would answer, by telling of our next steps. Steps which usually involved waiting. I could tell when I said too many steps at once when they would get a glazed look in their eyes. Not because they did not care, but because when you have not been involved in international adoption before the list of steps is long and can be confusing. I have to remind myself I am the one living, eating and breathing adoptwaiting so it makes sense to me. Sometimes.

Other times the answer to the question “What’s next?” is followed by wait some more. Thus, why I call it adoptwaiting. Complete steps 1 and 2 quickly. Wait. Complete step 3. Wait. Redo step 3. Wait, wait, move to step 4. But, wait for further instruction. The by-product of walking with others through their adoption process is that YOU wait too. You are waiting with your, friend, cousin, sister, neighbor, co-worker to move through the adoptwaiting process. Even though you are not adopting. You are adoptwaiting.

I don’t think I fully got that until I saw my coworker, who was totally excited because they thought we were done when we passed court, totally deflate when I said that we had to wait some more. I knew people were waiting with me, but  until that moment, I did not get it. I had not realized that it is just as hard to wait even when it is someone else’s wait. 

I am so incredibly thankful to every single person who is, has and will continue adoptwaiting with us. I am blessed beyond what words can express. Please know this if you are not adopting but you are adoptwaiting I am pretty sure this means you get your PhD in waiting too!!

Confessions of THIS Adoptive Mom

This is your chance to go where no one else has gone before inside my mind (I can almost hear the screams of fear now). I only ask that if after reading this you feel the need to have the nice men in white coats come for me please give me a heads up. At the very least bring diet coke and chocolate.

Even though it is before 8 am and our adoption agency is not open, I check my email for the first of what will be LITERALLY a million times that day. If there is no adoptwaiting email I check facebook to check other fellow adoptwaiter’s status to see if anyone else has heard news. Depending on what I find there I may check an online forum that participate on or some blogs. I do all of these things for 3 reasons: 1) To see if anyone has heard news either about a) their own adoptwating situation or b) adoption in Ethiopia in general. Because 2) I am addicted to trying to find out information because 3) I want to be in control. As I have mused in other blog posts finding out information is a not so secret way to be in control. If I have information, I may be able to know what is happening and thus be in control. For the record to any other fellow control freaks in recovery; this does not work.

Doing all of this causes me to feel elated if others share news, because I love, love, to see people move forward in the process. I love sharing in others joy. However now and then, while I am still elated to see others good news, seeing others news causes me to feel anxious, why I am I not hearing anything? Or, and I HATE when this happens, I occasionally use another’s positive news to have a pity party. I apologize to anyone to whom I have invited to one of my pity parties.

Now in spite of all of this I may repeat this cycle numerous times through out the day. At a minimum I check my email, I am certain a million times a day EVEN if I am NOT expecting to hear anything. I have at times made myself so stressed by reading something that someone else has posted that I have said that I need to stop the madness. And I do for the rest of the day. But it stops there. I tell you just this past Friday I said I am going to stop. I did for the rest of the day. But today was business as usual.

Now evenings and weekends, it is less of a problem. Things are closed and there is no news that can happen. If I am in meetings all day or am away from a computer, I don’t go through withdrawal. I do have a smart phone so I can do a certain amount of checking, but not quite as much.

Prior to adoptwaiting, I did not jump at the phone ringing. Since we have started this process. If it is between 8 am and 5 p.m. and the phone rings, there is ALMOST ALWAYS a small part of me wondering if it is our social worker calling to tell us something. I feel this expectation even if we are NOT expecting to hear anything.

Anyone who has read any of my blogs knows that I have a love hate relationship with waiting. As we have completed each step in the adoptwaiting process I have thought “Whew, waiting for ______was the hardest thing”. I have discovered that is not quite true. On the one hand my patience muscle has gotten stronger, because I have had NO choice. I have HAD to exercise it, thus assisting me in future waiting.  But at the same time just when I thought the hardest part of waiting is over, it’s not.

Commiserating, supporting, encouraging and sharing the journey with other fellow adoptwaiters has helped me realize that SOME and the key word there is SOME of my above confessions are a normal part of the process. 

So here is one of, many I am sure, confessions of this adoptive mom. 

The Part That We Gained and The Part That We Left Behind

To quote an old movie……..”Were BAAACCKK” I wanted to update sooner but jet lag and time to process all we witnessed was necessary. I did not want to talk to incoherently.

I am not going to lie the plane ride was long. Not undoable but long. It was 9 hours to Frankfurt, Germany. Where we had a layover. The awesome thing about the airport in Frankfurt is that they have showers! So we were able to shower during our layover on the way there. It was the best money we spent! We hoped to do the same on the way home but a shorter layover, and long lines caused us to miss our opportunity to shower on the way home. It was then a 6 hour and 45 minute flight to Ethiopia.

We had an awesome time in Ethiopia. We loved being there. We loved meeting the boys. Witnessing their personalities first hand was priceless. I will always remember how our 2 year old was the first one to greet all of us. He ran out and hugged everyone. It was priceless. Our almost 6 year old has the best smile that he shared with us a lot. I loved witnessing it first hand. When you go to the orphanage they do not want you just spend time with your kids, because building a bond with them only to leave again is hard on anyone’s heart. So they bring out other children to play as well. It was awesome to meet so many of them. The kids have grown somewhat use to seeing families, so they all call the adults “mom” and “dad”. They all wanted to be loved on and played with. On the one hand I was a bit sad realizing all these kids wanted to be a part of a family. On the other hand I am thankful that we were there to love on not only our boys but some of the other children as well. I hugged many of the children. I take comfort in knowing that other families are hugging and playing with our boys as we wait to complete the process to when we can be a family.

We loved sightseeing in Ethiopia it is a beautiful country. We had an excellent guide. The weather was perfect. It was in the mid 70's the whole time we were there. We loved staying at our guesthouse Morning Coffee. (Click their name to go to their website) We loved meeting the owner she was such an amazing women. We loved meeting the other families, who are on the same adoptwaiting journey we are. There is something to be said for being able to meet and talk with other families who are walking the same intense, emotional, roller coaster road you are.

For the record I did not love the roaster who lived across the street from our guest house. I did not love that he felt it necessary to cock-a-doodle-doo most of the mornings we were there. I attempted to wake the rooster, so he could share in the unpleasantness of being woken up in such a way. I fear it did not have the effect I hoped.

I loved drinking the coffee Ethiopia. Ethiopia is the birthplace of coffee, how could it not be good. I loved having Ethiopian food in Ethiopia. In fact, I loved all the food. We certainly had no trouble eating well. I did miss diet coke, but (forgive me diet coke for saying this) the excellent coffee just about made up for it. If you are interested in purchasing some coffee to try for yourself click here. All the profits go to support Yezelalem Minch.

We had the opportunity to visit YEZELALEM MINCH (click their name to go to their website) which is “Ethiopian organization reaching out to orphaned and vulnerable children, many of whose parents have died of AIDS, while also providing support and meeting the needs of families who have taken in orphaned children.” It was a privilege to be able to visit and witness this program. I was amazed at how much they are able to do with what so little. It is humbling to come home and realize how little we sometimes do with so much.

One blog can’t begin to describe all that we were able to do, witness, see, and learn while we were there. I almost feel like words can’t describe how it felt to meet our boys. To see them play with Jeff. There are memories and experiences that my words just can’t do justice to. Suffice to say we fell in love with Ethiopia. When we left to come home we left a part of our hearts behind. Once we have our boys in their new home here in the US, like the song goes, of course it’s describing another city, there will always be a part of our hearts that we left in Ethiopia.

Our Dinner at a local Ethiopian Resturant

The kids waiting to go and eat at Yezelalem Minch

Jeff getting ready to help pass out food to the kids at Yezelalem Minch

Some of the kids at Yezelalem Minch eating

The view from our guest house balcony

Jeff and I with Birtukan the owner of Morning Coffee 

The city of Addis Abba  from the top of the mountain

Jeff and I with Abel one of the wonderful Bethany Staff. Abel loves his country and we learned so much from him.

It's a Wonderful Process

I never knew two people could talk so much about a convertor and adapter. My husband: “So what have the people you talked to said?” Me “Some didn’t take one and some did.” Husband: “So should we get this converter?”  Me: “Will it work in Ethiopia?” Husband: “I am not sure” Me “Do you think we should get it?” Husband “What have the people you have talked to said and did?” repeat cycle. I am verge of traveling half way around the world to meet our boys!!! We also will have our court date. Converter not yet. Immunizations check. Worry check. Fear check. A dose of truth to counteract the other two check. Excitement check check. Prayer check, check, check, check. It feels a little bit like I am on a cliff getting ready to jump off. Which is funny because that is how this whole adoptwaiting process has felt.

I know I have said adoptwaiting is making me crazy. Just the other day I started to think that adoptwaiting has made me free. Maybe even free to be crazy, oh and I do mean the good kind of crazy. The kind of crazy that said lets see if we can build a plane that people can fly places in. People said it couldn’t be done, its impossible, even called it crazy. People fly almost everywhere now.

I did not sign up for it to happen. I am not certain that I could even put words to or do justice describing the freedom I am talking about. I just know that somehow through this process I am different.

My husband was asking me if I have a timeline for our adoption. I do. We started in 2008. One of the devotions in Streams in the Desert talked about how Abraham waited 30 years for his promised son Isaac. God did not tell him it would be that long, because Abraham would not have been able to handle the truth. When there was only a few months left to wait did God reveal his promise. The writer reminds us that God is not even five minutes behind “the appointed time”. I am absolutely certain, that I would have quit if I knew then, that we would not be meeting our boys until June 2011. Exactly, 3 years from when we filled out our preliminary application to begin the adoption process.

The thing about God that I have learned is that you can’t plan, make happen or try to orchestrate circumstances into the lives we want or think we want. What God can do or is doing is so much better than I can hope or imagine. Knowing this to be true in the core of my being I still struggle with wanting to control or orchestrate circumstances.

I couldn’t imagine meeting any other boys then the two precious boys we are going to meet in a matter of days. If I were in charge I certainly would have orchestrated the circumstances quicker. No doubt in my mind. But the things I would have missed. The people I have met and the friendships that I have formed. The lessons learned not to mention the intimacy that I have gained in my relationship with the Lord. I can’t even list all of the things.

I think it would be a lot like the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. When he wished that he had never been born, he did not know all the lives that would be affected by that one change. I am sure I don’t even know all that I have gained through this process.

I am thankful for all the adoptwaiting process has brought into my life. That’s how I know I am crazy. Who would have ever thought in a million years I would say that.

Worry and Stress Have Overstayed Their Welcome and Are Starting To Stink

I have heard the phrase "Adoption is not for the weak heart". I am pretty convinced that most people would more than likely not think of themselves as weak of heart. I know I certainly didn't. I am beginning to reconsider...............

My social worker called me last week she asked, "Can you talk?" I said "Yes" She said "In Private" Instantly my heart fell into my stomach and I though for certain I was going to throw up right then and there. I went downstairs and sat on the stairs as she proceeded to tell me about a medical report about our older son. At first I thought, "Okay I will call the Dr. and I'll be fine" The moment I spoke with the mean receptionist, I choked up. That’s when I realized I needed an exit plan. Clearly, I could not go back to my office. I needed to leave, and I needed to leave immediately. But my purse was upstairs in my cubical. Of course so were my car keys. I thought maybe I could call someone and they could bring me my purse. I could not remember phone numbers and the numbers I could remember I did not think subjecting them to tears was one of my better ideas.  I went back to my office. I immediately found my supervisor and told her that I had to leave.

I went home and Googled. Clearly, that was not a good idea.  I am currently on a self imposed Google hiatus. We are praying that the boys will be home sooner rather than later. So that we can figure out and deal with the concerns that were presented to us, and that we won't really know for certain what it all means until the boys are here.

For some reason this news coupled with anything adoption related, including our up coming court trip causes me stress. Much like my last post I would be hard pressed to find things that don't cause me stress. I was sharing this with a friend on the phone last night when my loving husband told me to not be stressed, and trust the Lord. Now I risk offending people and or possible causing others to question where I might be in my relationship with the Lord, yet others are shrugging their shoulders wondering why I would even bother to digress nonetheless the truth is I responded to my loving husband who was attempting to push my buttons with telling my friend on the phone how close my husband was to getting gestured. That is when it was confirmed yep, I have reached maximum overload.

I am not sure how it happened, how I got to this place. I had someone say to me that God is control and to trust Him. The smart alec in me wanted to reply " I am so glad you said THAT. That idea NEVER occurred to me." Now I am not diminishing that what they said is true. I am also not diminishing that they were trying to be encouraging. But, as I have posted before truth no matter how true is not always comforting. Also when people say that I somehow believe or think and sometimes it even feels like the person who said that thinks that I am suppose to now instantly not feel the way I have been feeling.  While my brain knows what is being said is true, I still feel stressed. It is the questions of what to do with the feelings. I feel guilty for feeling stressed and I get stressed about being stressed. I recognize the craziness in that statement. I have said more than once that adoption is making me crazy. We are now beginning to see the crazy take effect.

I wish that I could talk with Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, Esther and many of the other bible heroes who faced stressful, amazingly difficult and trying situations. I wish that their feelings of fear, worry or whatever had been talked about more. But as I wished this I began to wonder maybe they are not mentioned because in the end these people did not let their feelings get the best of them and they walked the road set before them. So then I thought, maybe in spite of my feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I am moving forward and maybe that is what matters.

Just this morning as I was rambling on about my stress and what I should be doing, I am thankful for my husband's reminder of Grace. How I need to have grace with myself. This I know to be true. I wish both of these things were not easier said then done.

Freak Out........And I Don't Mean The Disco Tune

Hi, My name is Tracy and I am freaking out. If I were physically acting out what is going on in my head I think you would see me franticly running around in circles trying to get things ready all the while talking to myself. Some might wonder how that is any different than what I normally do but I choose to not listen to those people. I had a similar feeling shortly after we received our referral but that feeling was related to wanting to wait well.

This freaking is a bit different. The boys coming home soon has become much more real now that we have a court date and know that we actually get to meet them. We are closer to the time when they will come to their new home. This is where the freaking out comes. We still have so much to do to get ready I am worried we won’t get it done. I am worried that we aren’t ready. I worry about the traveling. I worry about the boy’s transition to us and their new home. I worry about helping them to process their grief. I am worried about getting clothes that will fit them because we are not certain how much they will grow between now and when we bring them home. I worry about being able to connect and bond with them. What if they don’t like us? If we are able to meet the boy’s relatives, during our second trip, I worry that maybe they won’t like us. I think it might be easier to list the things I am not freaking out about.

Let me think things that don’t cause me to freak out. Yep, I am in no way worried about my plants while we will be gone. That could be why I am not a green thumb. I am not freaking out about....um…..well…..okay the plants. At least I have one thing on that list.

My head knows the truth that God is in control. That He did not bring us this far just to leave us. That God will equip us with what we need to walk through these situations. God has been so faithful and met our needs through out this adoption process in amazing, wonderful and often unexpected ways. I know these things. I believe these things.

I also can lose sight of these things in a moments notice when an obstacle pops up. Usually because I end up focused on the thing or obstacle instead of keeping my eyes on the Lord. It is taking ever once of self-control I have to practice 2 Corinthians 10:5…..”take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Sometimes I am able to do this sometimes I am not. I find it fascinating that these two thoughts can exist all at the same time in my mind. I think there might be a name for that…..I think it’s the human condition.

Looking Forward To Leaving On A Jet Plane

I am not going to lie waiting to get our court date is not a wait I have done well. I wonder if it is because I know that it is suppose to be coming. Here I thought I had been actually applying some of my waiting skills. I guess not.

At first, I was excited when I saw the other people I had been submitted to court with getting a court date. I love seeing good news with other families from the online forum I am a part of. I have been praying for all of us. I hoped I would hear the same news. I kept checking my email. I did not know you could check your email that much. NOTHING. My sprits began to fall. Then as any somewhat mature Christian would do, I began to whine and complain and feel sorry for myself. It was one of the better pity parties I ever have thrown. I even solicited a handful of people to whine to. I am so thankful that even in the worst pity party God provided me people who encouraged me and reminded me of the truth. Oh how I wish I had a rewind button.

I saw an email from my social worker. The subject line says, “Call Me”. I am excited but afraid because I don’t want to get my hopes up. So I call her cell phone. She has to call me back. She does, and says you have a court date, June 24! I was so excited I could have jumped up and down. I literally wanted to take the elevator to each and every floor stop and shout, “We have our Ethiopian Court Date. It’s June 24” Luckily, I was able to refrain. Facebook filled that need.

Please join me in prayer for us and the 3 other families who have June 24 court dates. Pray for all the travel details, and the best airfares ever. We all need a letter from MOWA to be able to pass court, please pray that those are written. There is 1 other family whose was submitted a few days after us who are still waiting for a court date. Please pray them as well. Thank you Lord for such a wonderful blessing of a court date. Amen and Amen.

The View From Here

Adoptwaiting has caused me to view many things differently than before I began this journey. For instance, Monday has an entirely different meaning for me now than it use to. In the adoptwaiting world, Monday means the start of when you may get news about your particular situation. You could get news that your dossier being in route. You could get your referral. You could get a court date. You could get your call to travel to go and get your child. It could also be you need to re-do this form. No news today. Or it could be news that things are not progressing as hoped.

TGIF has an entirely different meaning to me as well. It, not only signifies the weekend, but it signifies the end of another week of waiting. That means I am one step closer to the next thing I am waiting for. 

I certainly will never view waiting the same way again. In some ways I have learned to wait better than I did prior to adoptwaiting. I don’t always think this but today made me think just maybe I have learned something. I had submitted a memo for my Director’s approval last week Wednesday. Today, I realized I had not received a response. I emailed them to see when I could expect to get a response. They came and spoke with me saying that they had not realized I was waiting for approval. I did not need to wait as long as I did to follow-up. Which is funny because I was just trying to be patient. I guess there are times you can be too patient. Which I am not going to lie, is a little bit funny to me and my husband, this side of adoptwaiting.

I don’t think I will ever view God’s sovereignty the same ever again.

Books upon books have been written on this subject. Good Christian people land on different sides of the fence when it comes to discussing what God’s sovereignty means. Clearly I am not trying to say I have the answer. I am saying that I have a different understanding of it than I did before.

In the simplest of terms, I think of God’s sovereignty as meaning all things are under God's rule and control, and that nothing happens without His direction or permission. I think any situation that puts you in a place of no control opens the door to think about who is in control.  While I know that God is control with all my heart, I still have moments where I somehow get confused and start thinking that maybe I can control things. Once I have that thought, I do various things in an attempt to gain control. Only to discover, I was not in control to begin with. 

It is ironic that I am in the middle of studying the book of Daniel. It would be hard, even for me, to miss the theme of God’s sovereignty in this book. It has been an excellent reminder to me daily that God is sovereign and He is in control. That can be easy to forget when I start to worry about when will we get a court date? Will we pass court? Will the MOWA write our letter? How long will we have to wait for ______? So even though I have those worries, and many more I have been so encouraged to be involved in s study that daily reminds me who is in control.

If You Would Have Told Me This..........

I never thought I would write a blog. Sure I have entertained writing a book at different times in my life. That was before I realized I only would have enough information to fill a pamphlet. I certainly never thought anyone would read my blog. If my grandmother were still alive I think she might, provided she had a computer and I could explain to her how to get on the Internet. I can hear that conversation now. I started blogging for numerous reasons. I wanted a way to remember everything. It helps me process all that is happening. Sometimes it is a bit of self-therapy. I am certain if I did not write it down I would never remember all that God has done and all that He has taught me. I wanted to share the journey with others. I am all about doing life with others.

I continue to learn more than I ever thought possible in this journey called adoption. I am humbled and awed by how so many of our family and friends have supported us and continue to support us in this process. I never imagined that would happen. I never expected anyone to walk this road with us. We are not on this roller coaster called adoptwaiting alone. For that I am truly thankful.

I never in a million trillion years thought I would feel such a connection with women I have never actually met face to face. I never thought I would be part of an online forum. I am pretty certain that I actually used my out loud voice and said people who are a part of online forums don’t have any “real life” friends. But, I have come to discover that there are many ways to do life with others. It is simply wonderful to “talk” with other women who are being secretly driven crazy by adoption. Okay not literally crazy but it certainly can feel that way sometimes. I pray faithfully and fervently for women and their children who are on the other side of the world. Women I hope to someday meet. But even if I never meet some of them face to face they have had no less of an impact on my life than women I know in “real life”.

This blogging experience has confirmed that I have a passion to point others to Jesus. Above all through this whole adoption process I want to wait well. If you have read more than 1 of my blogs you know that waiting is a pretty well covered topic. I fear mostly in a what you should not do kind of way but if someone grows closer in the their relationship with Jesus, then I don’t mind. Sometimes I worry, sometimes obsessively, that I come off preachy or prideful. There is certainly more than 1 way to have a relationship with Jesus. That is why we call it a relationship with Jesus because it is unique to us. So if anyone who has read this felt it was my way or you would be wrong, I sincerely apologize.

Blogging has helped me to realize that I have other passions and things that I have been learning that I am not certain I have the words yet to share. Not only that but I certainly have not figured out how to talk about controversial things. I still worry about offending people. Being the type A, perfectionsitc, performance orientated person I am the person who when I get an email that says “We all need to be careful not to…….” am certain that they mean me. I think that makes me careful times 100.

I am not going to lie when I started this particular blog I did not think I would end here, but jut like adoption is a journey or a process so is blogging. Holy moly mackerel, is there nothing in my life that is a destination?! 

Are We There Yet?

We were submitted for court last week. To someone familiar with Ethiopian adoption those words have meaning. To the rest of the world those words cause you to be happy for your friend or family member who just told you because your friend or family member was excited but more than likely you are thinking; “That means what?”

Getting submitted to court for our adoption is another one of those hurry up and wait moments. I think it is those hurry up and wait moments are what make me think it should be called adoptwaiting. Getting submitted to court means that your application has been submitted to court to get assigned a court date. However, before you get a court date the Ethiopian team must secure documents and certificates that are specific to your case. Sometimes those papers take a long time, sometimes they don’t. Once all of those papers have been gathered, your application is reviewed and assigned a court date. Getting a court date takes 2 to 4 weeks, but as in anything some cases take less time, some take much longer than 4 weeks. When you get a court date it is about 6 to 8 eight weeks out from when you find out you have a court date.

Just a few days before I found out we were submitted to court, I feel like God had really given me a peace about not knowing things and waiting. I know that peace is not of me and certainly not because of anything that I did but it is because of God. So there I was waiting, feeling like I was doing okay when I went to check an adoption forum that I love being a part of. On there a fellow adopter had shared they were submitted to court. I was excited for them. I found out the same day we were submitted to court that 4 families other families were submitted to court also. So I think 5 in totally over two days. I rejoice with all of the families who were submitted and I am really hoping I get to meet all of them in Ethiopia. However, when I saw the news of court submission for that first family, even though I was happy for them and still am, something happened in me. Unauthorized thinking and percolating started to happen. That is where the train derailment happened and the crazy girl who had been silent from sometime reappeared.

I started to think crazy thoughts like: “Its not fair” and “Really God?” “Is this a test?” and “How come it’s not us” Then at the same time I started thinking “Do I just write stuff on my blog or do I actually believe it?” I was really challenged by that thought. It can be so hard to actually apply and live out the things that I am learning and say that I believe. Because just when I think I am okay, that is when those crazy girl feelings and thoughts pop out of now where. Even when I bring those thoughts to Christ the feelings still linger. I am starting to think that even though my feelings might not match my beliefs at the moment that does not always mean I don’t believe what I say I believe.

I have come to realize that I at times expect more of myself than God does. Even though I expect perfection from myself, God certainly doesn’t. I don’t think I realized how perfectionism is a perfect (no pun intended) companion to control. I remember Thelma Wells speaking at a conference asking everyone to put their hands in the air and wave them around. She then said look around the room, all the perfectionist are wondering if they are doing it right. Guilty as charged. This crazy girl moment served as a great reminder and wake up call to extend God’s grace to myself. 

Grace, grace, God’s grace, 
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within; 
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
 Grace that is greater than all our sin.

It Is Easy To Forget

I believe in the power of prayer. That is one reason why I am quick to ask people to pray for all kinds of things. It is easy to think of things to ask people to pray for. Even when God’s answer is no, or not yet, God responds to our requests. This past week I was reminded how easy it is to forget to take the time to thank and praise God for all the ways He answers prayer.

It is for that reason that I want to take some blog space to honor and praise God for some of our answered prayers. I am thankful that He has brought us this far in the adoption process. I am amazed that we are where we are in the process, I sometimes can't believe we are waiting for a court date . I sometimes think that I might actually have gained a half-of a smidgen more of patience than I did before we began adoptwaiting. I am thankful for the support and encouragement of our family and friends, it has been priceless.

We prayed that my fingerprints would be readable and not need to be re-done. I did not have to have my fingerprints redone, what an answer to prayer. When Jeff and I were working on our dossier we were getting some of our final paperwork notarized because we wanted our dossier to go to Ethiopia as soon as we had our I-171.  I never prayed for paper as much as I did when we were working on our dossier. We had our I-171 verification form signed and notarized before we received our I-171 form. I thought I was being so on top of it. When we met with our adoption worker, she asked me why we signed and dated it because it had to match the date on our I-171 form. I started to panic, I thought it will take days to get the new form notarized and sent to our adoption worker. We had met between her office and our home. There was nowhere to print a new form. But as we looked at our notarized form and our I-171 form, the dates matched! We had our form signed and notarized on the day our I-171 was issued! Only God can orchestrate such details. Of course there was another form we filled out wrong. We needed a new one. I prayed that the Starbucks we were having our meeting at let me use their computer to print a new form. Stores do not usually want their patrons to do such things. However, this Starbucks did and I was able to print a new form so we could re-sign the necessary form. We left our completed dossier with our adoption worker that day. What an answer to prayer.

We met a couple that lives in our town that adopted a 6 year old girl who was on a waiting child list, our boys were waiting children. This couple had been praying to meet someone who was adopting from Ethiopia that they could support and encourage through the process they had just completed. We had been praying to meet someone who had adopted from Ethiopia who lived close to us. When we went to our next adoption group meeting, we met this couple. What an answer to prayer for both of us.

I participate on an Ethiopian adoption forum. As a group we have been praying for families who were waiting for embassy dates who had them and are now home with their children. We have prayed for families: to receive referrals, to get submitted to get assigned a court date, and that they would have all the correct paperwork so they would pass court their court date. It is amazing to think of the many prayers we have seen answered. 

These are just a smidgen of thanks and praise for the answered prayers that I have witnessed as we have moved forward in our adoption. I would love to hear how God has answered your prayers.  Please comment and share how God has answered your prayers. If you are unable to comment publicly please email me and share.

I am so thankful for the many ways that God has answered prayer. But I am also keenly aware of the requests that not yet answered. I found encouragement from this post from Streams in the Desert as I continue to wait on God for some of our prayer requests. Hopefully, you will too.

Journey or Destination?

I think the movie Click with Adam Sandler has a whole new meaning for me now. If you have not seen the movie Adams character receives a remote control that can rewind, pause and fast-forward his life. At first it seems cool, he fast-forwards through the things he does not like. He figures out that while he was skipping the parts he did not like he was actually missing out on his life.

I had an ah-ha moment just like that charterer. I have come to the same realization about adoption or adoptwaiting as I like to call it. I have been viewing adoption as a one-time event you show up for. You adopt children they come to their new home and you are their forever family; the end. I am quite certain I overlooked the fact that adoption, like many things in life is a process. The waiting, the paperwork, the training, more waiting, more paperwork, the home-study, the appointments to get more paperwork, more waiting, reading books, learning about another culture, mailing things, re-doing paper work, re-mailing, more waiting, appointments with different people to review paperwork, more waiting, meeting other families who have adopted. Did I mention paperwork and waiting? I realized that in just focusing on the end result of adoption I was missing the journey.

It is the journey that people remember. People remember the destination, but often they remember the process to get to the destination. When I think about mission trips, looking for a job, my wedding, even Christmas; I remember the journey to get there as much if not more than the “there” I was trying to get to.

Like in Click if I rush through the parts I don’t like in my life I am missing out on my life. I think it happens all the time. We say things like when I: finish school, get a new job, raise my kids, lose 10 pounds, get married whatever it might be then I will live my life. However, it is our life we missing if we do that. I knew this. I have always been a fan of not waiting to live to my life. Clearly, I forgot the same applies if I rush through my life. If I am so focused on the end, I miss the getting there part of my life.

In Click he fast-forwards through the parts he did not like. Sometimes I don’t fast-forward through the parts I don’t like I just complain about it. I thought this option was better because after all I am not skipping anything. I have learned that complaining can keep me from seeing the blessings that are happening even during the parts I don’t like.

It is with a new perspective that I view our adoptwaiting.  I certainly don’t want to miss out on a single moment of the process. Does this mean I won’t want to rush ahead and be done yesterday? Does this mean I won’t complain? Will I stop calling it adoptwaiting?  Probably not. I have always said that waiting is a gift, a complicated gift, but a gift nonetheless. Remembering that adoption is a journey not just a destination is another tool in my belt that hopefully, will help me to live out what I keep saying I believe.

Ready Yet?

I seem to be a person who learns things the hard way. What I like to call the two by four method. What I mean by that is that much like those V-8 commercials, I have to be smacked in the head, sometimes, before I get what God may be trying to teach me.

I had one of those smack in the head moments this week as we learned about the changes in our adoptwaiting program. These are good and necessary changes. As they begin to implement these changes it makes the time line of when we will get a court date and then an embassy date a bit farther out. As with any change it takes time and there are many unknowns because it simply has not been done like this before.

I, the still in recovery control freak, was certain that if I could just learn enough about the upcoming changes that I could have a time line. Because I still believed that if I could gather enough information I could have some idea what, was happening and when. Knowing this would of course give me the control I so desperately sought.  But as I sought the answers to my questions they were met with we don’t know yet and it’s too early to tell. 

As I got the final it’s too early to tell response, it was almost as if I could hear the Lord say to me “Are you ready to trust Me, yet?” Before I even got my final it’s to early to tell I knew no one knew the answers to my questions. The question “Are you ready to trust Me yet?” rang in my mind.

In that moment, I had about a million thoughts and just as many emotions. It was then that I knew the only one I could trust was the Lord. I was embarrassed that I did it again. I tried to get the answers I sought on my own. Looking everywhere but to the Lord because I did not like His answer. His answer was, “Trust me” and I wanted to hear concrete things next month. I would have even settled for in three months. Still I was ashamed that I had to get to the place where there was no where else to turn before I was ready to say “Okay Lord I trust you.”

One of the things that I love about the Lord is His grace. The Lord did not say “Are you ready to trust me, yet?” With anger, impatience, or even a why can’t you figure these things our sooner attitude. As much as I joke about learning things by the two by four method that is not how the Lord treats me. He simply asked “Are you ready to trust me and in me alone?”

I was finally able to answer his question with a “Yes!” I am growing comfortable with not knowing, the how, what, and when. That does not mean I don’t have moments of uncomfortableness, because I do.  But it is different because my hope and trust are truly in the Lord. This sets the stage for something awesome to happen. I know, that I know, that I know God can do this. He will bring us through this.

Music For Your Heart

I forget how much music ministers to my heart. I also forget how much I really love music. I especially love to find the lyrics of songs that I like. Many times I am surprised to find out what the lyrics really are. Building 429 has a new song called Listen to the Sound. When I actually found the lyrics it made me like the song even more. I love the where it says: “You’ll never know what faith is until you don’t understand.” That just so reminds how if I could accomplish this adoption on my own, I would not need God and I certainly would not have grown in the ways that He has grown me. I also love where it says “sometimes it takes silence to finally hear his plan” I so resonate with that because at times my prayer life can be filled with me just talking and not taking the time to listen to what God may be trying to say to me.





In an article that got emailed to me was a link to Ginny Owens song If you want me to. I guess it is an older song but I had not heard and really loved the lyrics to this song as well. I so resonate with the words of this song. When she says, “It may not be the path I would have chosen” I smile. I have always joked that I sign-up for many different things than what has happened in my life thus the title; This is Not The Life I Signed-Up For. But the more I grow in my relationship with the Lord the more convinced I become that the life He has blessed me with is; is far richer because of all the things that I did not sign-up for. 

Waiting Expectantly?

I was listening to the radio this weekend and the announcer was reading from a devotional. It was about waiting so of course my ears perked up. I can’t remember it word for word, I wish I could but the author was writing as if God was talking directly to her. He was telling her to wait on Him means to wait expectantly.

The words really struck me. What does it mean to wait expectantly? I have been pondering this for the past few days. How does one wait expectantly?

The more I thought about it the more confused I got. I mean expectantly well that is closely related, in my mind to expectations. I just wrote about expectations. Expectations can lead to trouble. I am certain the Lord does not want me to have expectations; He has seen me in action. I don’t always do so good setting realistic expectations.

So I typed in expectantly in dictionary.com and it used the word expect, and expectant in the definition. I really dislike when they use the word you are looking up in the definition. If you knew what it meant you would not be looking it up.

I decided to do a little word study from the bible. It turns out that expectantly waiting is in two verses in the NIV. Luke 13:15 and Job 29:21. Expectantly in both verses means to wait, hope, expect. I found that interesting. I then looked up verses with expect. It was interesting that many, not all, of the New Testament verses that have expect in them are referring to Jesus whether He is the expected savior or when He will come back.

Then this thought kind of hit me. We don’t know when Jesus is coming back, but we are supposed to be ready because it can be any time. We expect that He will come back. It doesn’t consume out lives. Although, maybe it is suppose to?

For me any way the thing that struck me was that they are waiting, hoping, looking for it to happen. It could happen at any moment. But their expectantly waiting has not taken over their lives.

For me I have to say waiting, has at times, not always, but much more than I would like, has consumed my thoughts. I am in no way saying my adoptwaiting is anything like waiting for the saviors return. I am saying it was challenging for me to think about. To wait with hope without losing heart what does that look like? I am unsure.

In one of my devotional books Streams in the Desert they author was comparing desperation and despair. Saying many times people have been in desperate situations. They talked of Shadrach, Meshach and Adendnego. They were in a desperate situation, about to be thrown in a furnace. In Dan 3: 17-18 they said, “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." But even if He does not…. those words may be desperate but they are not despairing.

Yet, I wonder if they might have felt a little despairing. It does not discuss their feelings. What did they do with those? I know they had to have them. I think that is the complicating thing about waiting expectantly. The feelings. My head can know the truth, but my heart is not always listening to my head. Maybe that is the difference between desperate and despairing. Having a heart that listens to your head? I think I need to ponder this a little bit longer.