Freak Out........And I Don't Mean The Disco Tune

Hi, My name is Tracy and I am freaking out. If I were physically acting out what is going on in my head I think you would see me franticly running around in circles trying to get things ready all the while talking to myself. Some might wonder how that is any different than what I normally do but I choose to not listen to those people. I had a similar feeling shortly after we received our referral but that feeling was related to wanting to wait well.

This freaking is a bit different. The boys coming home soon has become much more real now that we have a court date and know that we actually get to meet them. We are closer to the time when they will come to their new home. This is where the freaking out comes. We still have so much to do to get ready I am worried we won’t get it done. I am worried that we aren’t ready. I worry about the traveling. I worry about the boy’s transition to us and their new home. I worry about helping them to process their grief. I am worried about getting clothes that will fit them because we are not certain how much they will grow between now and when we bring them home. I worry about being able to connect and bond with them. What if they don’t like us? If we are able to meet the boy’s relatives, during our second trip, I worry that maybe they won’t like us. I think it might be easier to list the things I am not freaking out about.

Let me think things that don’t cause me to freak out. Yep, I am in no way worried about my plants while we will be gone. That could be why I am not a green thumb. I am not freaking out about....um…..well…..okay the plants. At least I have one thing on that list.

My head knows the truth that God is in control. That He did not bring us this far just to leave us. That God will equip us with what we need to walk through these situations. God has been so faithful and met our needs through out this adoption process in amazing, wonderful and often unexpected ways. I know these things. I believe these things.

I also can lose sight of these things in a moments notice when an obstacle pops up. Usually because I end up focused on the thing or obstacle instead of keeping my eyes on the Lord. It is taking ever once of self-control I have to practice 2 Corinthians 10:5…..”take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Sometimes I am able to do this sometimes I am not. I find it fascinating that these two thoughts can exist all at the same time in my mind. I think there might be a name for that…..I think it’s the human condition.

Looking Forward To Leaving On A Jet Plane

I am not going to lie waiting to get our court date is not a wait I have done well. I wonder if it is because I know that it is suppose to be coming. Here I thought I had been actually applying some of my waiting skills. I guess not.

At first, I was excited when I saw the other people I had been submitted to court with getting a court date. I love seeing good news with other families from the online forum I am a part of. I have been praying for all of us. I hoped I would hear the same news. I kept checking my email. I did not know you could check your email that much. NOTHING. My sprits began to fall. Then as any somewhat mature Christian would do, I began to whine and complain and feel sorry for myself. It was one of the better pity parties I ever have thrown. I even solicited a handful of people to whine to. I am so thankful that even in the worst pity party God provided me people who encouraged me and reminded me of the truth. Oh how I wish I had a rewind button.

I saw an email from my social worker. The subject line says, “Call Me”. I am excited but afraid because I don’t want to get my hopes up. So I call her cell phone. She has to call me back. She does, and says you have a court date, June 24! I was so excited I could have jumped up and down. I literally wanted to take the elevator to each and every floor stop and shout, “We have our Ethiopian Court Date. It’s June 24” Luckily, I was able to refrain. Facebook filled that need.

Please join me in prayer for us and the 3 other families who have June 24 court dates. Pray for all the travel details, and the best airfares ever. We all need a letter from MOWA to be able to pass court, please pray that those are written. There is 1 other family whose was submitted a few days after us who are still waiting for a court date. Please pray them as well. Thank you Lord for such a wonderful blessing of a court date. Amen and Amen.

The View From Here

Adoptwaiting has caused me to view many things differently than before I began this journey. For instance, Monday has an entirely different meaning for me now than it use to. In the adoptwaiting world, Monday means the start of when you may get news about your particular situation. You could get news that your dossier being in route. You could get your referral. You could get a court date. You could get your call to travel to go and get your child. It could also be you need to re-do this form. No news today. Or it could be news that things are not progressing as hoped.

TGIF has an entirely different meaning to me as well. It, not only signifies the weekend, but it signifies the end of another week of waiting. That means I am one step closer to the next thing I am waiting for. 

I certainly will never view waiting the same way again. In some ways I have learned to wait better than I did prior to adoptwaiting. I don’t always think this but today made me think just maybe I have learned something. I had submitted a memo for my Director’s approval last week Wednesday. Today, I realized I had not received a response. I emailed them to see when I could expect to get a response. They came and spoke with me saying that they had not realized I was waiting for approval. I did not need to wait as long as I did to follow-up. Which is funny because I was just trying to be patient. I guess there are times you can be too patient. Which I am not going to lie, is a little bit funny to me and my husband, this side of adoptwaiting.

I don’t think I will ever view God’s sovereignty the same ever again.

Books upon books have been written on this subject. Good Christian people land on different sides of the fence when it comes to discussing what God’s sovereignty means. Clearly I am not trying to say I have the answer. I am saying that I have a different understanding of it than I did before.

In the simplest of terms, I think of God’s sovereignty as meaning all things are under God's rule and control, and that nothing happens without His direction or permission. I think any situation that puts you in a place of no control opens the door to think about who is in control.  While I know that God is control with all my heart, I still have moments where I somehow get confused and start thinking that maybe I can control things. Once I have that thought, I do various things in an attempt to gain control. Only to discover, I was not in control to begin with. 

It is ironic that I am in the middle of studying the book of Daniel. It would be hard, even for me, to miss the theme of God’s sovereignty in this book. It has been an excellent reminder to me daily that God is sovereign and He is in control. That can be easy to forget when I start to worry about when will we get a court date? Will we pass court? Will the MOWA write our letter? How long will we have to wait for ______? So even though I have those worries, and many more I have been so encouraged to be involved in s study that daily reminds me who is in control.

If You Would Have Told Me This..........

I never thought I would write a blog. Sure I have entertained writing a book at different times in my life. That was before I realized I only would have enough information to fill a pamphlet. I certainly never thought anyone would read my blog. If my grandmother were still alive I think she might, provided she had a computer and I could explain to her how to get on the Internet. I can hear that conversation now. I started blogging for numerous reasons. I wanted a way to remember everything. It helps me process all that is happening. Sometimes it is a bit of self-therapy. I am certain if I did not write it down I would never remember all that God has done and all that He has taught me. I wanted to share the journey with others. I am all about doing life with others.

I continue to learn more than I ever thought possible in this journey called adoption. I am humbled and awed by how so many of our family and friends have supported us and continue to support us in this process. I never imagined that would happen. I never expected anyone to walk this road with us. We are not on this roller coaster called adoptwaiting alone. For that I am truly thankful.

I never in a million trillion years thought I would feel such a connection with women I have never actually met face to face. I never thought I would be part of an online forum. I am pretty certain that I actually used my out loud voice and said people who are a part of online forums don’t have any “real life” friends. But, I have come to discover that there are many ways to do life with others. It is simply wonderful to “talk” with other women who are being secretly driven crazy by adoption. Okay not literally crazy but it certainly can feel that way sometimes. I pray faithfully and fervently for women and their children who are on the other side of the world. Women I hope to someday meet. But even if I never meet some of them face to face they have had no less of an impact on my life than women I know in “real life”.

This blogging experience has confirmed that I have a passion to point others to Jesus. Above all through this whole adoption process I want to wait well. If you have read more than 1 of my blogs you know that waiting is a pretty well covered topic. I fear mostly in a what you should not do kind of way but if someone grows closer in the their relationship with Jesus, then I don’t mind. Sometimes I worry, sometimes obsessively, that I come off preachy or prideful. There is certainly more than 1 way to have a relationship with Jesus. That is why we call it a relationship with Jesus because it is unique to us. So if anyone who has read this felt it was my way or you would be wrong, I sincerely apologize.

Blogging has helped me to realize that I have other passions and things that I have been learning that I am not certain I have the words yet to share. Not only that but I certainly have not figured out how to talk about controversial things. I still worry about offending people. Being the type A, perfectionsitc, performance orientated person I am the person who when I get an email that says “We all need to be careful not to…….” am certain that they mean me. I think that makes me careful times 100.

I am not going to lie when I started this particular blog I did not think I would end here, but jut like adoption is a journey or a process so is blogging. Holy moly mackerel, is there nothing in my life that is a destination?! 

Are We There Yet?

We were submitted for court last week. To someone familiar with Ethiopian adoption those words have meaning. To the rest of the world those words cause you to be happy for your friend or family member who just told you because your friend or family member was excited but more than likely you are thinking; “That means what?”

Getting submitted to court for our adoption is another one of those hurry up and wait moments. I think it is those hurry up and wait moments are what make me think it should be called adoptwaiting. Getting submitted to court means that your application has been submitted to court to get assigned a court date. However, before you get a court date the Ethiopian team must secure documents and certificates that are specific to your case. Sometimes those papers take a long time, sometimes they don’t. Once all of those papers have been gathered, your application is reviewed and assigned a court date. Getting a court date takes 2 to 4 weeks, but as in anything some cases take less time, some take much longer than 4 weeks. When you get a court date it is about 6 to 8 eight weeks out from when you find out you have a court date.

Just a few days before I found out we were submitted to court, I feel like God had really given me a peace about not knowing things and waiting. I know that peace is not of me and certainly not because of anything that I did but it is because of God. So there I was waiting, feeling like I was doing okay when I went to check an adoption forum that I love being a part of. On there a fellow adopter had shared they were submitted to court. I was excited for them. I found out the same day we were submitted to court that 4 families other families were submitted to court also. So I think 5 in totally over two days. I rejoice with all of the families who were submitted and I am really hoping I get to meet all of them in Ethiopia. However, when I saw the news of court submission for that first family, even though I was happy for them and still am, something happened in me. Unauthorized thinking and percolating started to happen. That is where the train derailment happened and the crazy girl who had been silent from sometime reappeared.

I started to think crazy thoughts like: “Its not fair” and “Really God?” “Is this a test?” and “How come it’s not us” Then at the same time I started thinking “Do I just write stuff on my blog or do I actually believe it?” I was really challenged by that thought. It can be so hard to actually apply and live out the things that I am learning and say that I believe. Because just when I think I am okay, that is when those crazy girl feelings and thoughts pop out of now where. Even when I bring those thoughts to Christ the feelings still linger. I am starting to think that even though my feelings might not match my beliefs at the moment that does not always mean I don’t believe what I say I believe.

I have come to realize that I at times expect more of myself than God does. Even though I expect perfection from myself, God certainly doesn’t. I don’t think I realized how perfectionism is a perfect (no pun intended) companion to control. I remember Thelma Wells speaking at a conference asking everyone to put their hands in the air and wave them around. She then said look around the room, all the perfectionist are wondering if they are doing it right. Guilty as charged. This crazy girl moment served as a great reminder and wake up call to extend God’s grace to myself. 

Grace, grace, God’s grace, 
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within; 
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
 Grace that is greater than all our sin.