The Girl Is Back In Town

I knew adoptwaiting(my affectionate term for what adoption really is: hurry up, okay wait, wait, wait, hurry up, wait, wait some more, you get the picture) would be a challenge, and that it would stretch and grow me, I never thought it would help build my character.

Let me explain. After my encounter with the crazy train situation I began to see how adoptwaiting was going to provide me, at no extra charge, an opportunity to grow in the area of self-control. I am not going to lie I never saw THAT coming.

The further we get in to this process the more I am reminded that it’s almost like there are two of me. There is the somewhat rational, trying to practice waiting on the Lord, trying to accept and figure out what it means to live out the Lord’s peace, who is growing everyday in her ability to trust the Lord more girl. Then there is this crazy girl who can stir up worry in moments notice usually without any facts, who regularly try’s all sorts of ways to figure out how she can gain control over her life situations, who gets so excited because she thinks she sees what the Lord is doing in certain situations that she will just try to ‘help Him out’ which often leads her to running ahead of the Lord girl. I thought this girl had moved. Unfortunately, with the whole adoptwaiting situation she has moved back in town. Because crazy girl is back in town the need to practice and consequently grow in the area of self-control is a number one priority.

This crazy girl is smart. She says rational things that sound like a good idea. I mean if she didn’t who would listen to her?

She tempts me to worry about the timing of when the boys are going to come to their new home. She tempts me worry if we will be able to parent the boys the way they need. She tempts me try to find ways that I can be in control of our adoptwaiting process.

What I am beginning to realize is that what makes choosing to exercise self control so difficult is that I have to surrender my will and the way I want it to happen to the Lords perfect timing and plan. I know it sounds crazy and I am no expert that is for certain. But I think that worry gets its power in fear. At least this is what I am discovering for me. I am worried we won’t get a court date before the courts close in August and September. Because I am genuinely concerned that won’t happen there is fear there. That fear is breeding ground for worry. Crazy girl uses this to her advantage at times. But, if I am able via being empowered by the Holy Spirit, to surrender my timeline and my will to His timeline then there is little place for worry to grow.

I am also beginning to realize/learn/think that surrender is not a one-time event you show up for it is a process. I somehow use to think surrender was a one and done kind of thing. Clearly, that was a crazy girl idea. I can genuinely, surrender today and need to do it again tomorrow and that does not mean I did not surrender. I think living surrendered to the Lord and His plans take practice. I think that I can surrender today what I know today, so when tomorrow comes there may be new aspects that I need to surrender. Keep in mind when I talk about surrendering I do not mean anyone can do this in of our own power we need the Lord’s help with such a task.

I am sure you are wondering where self-control comes in to play. I see self-control as choosing to do what we know we need to do. Put another way it is like our “want to”. If I don’t “want to” do something then I most likely am not going to do it. Adoptwaiting has helped me to see that my “want to” is broken, because I don’t “want to” surrender my will or my timeline to the Lords will and timline. Quite frankly, I often have to pray, “Lord help me to “want to” surrender my will. Meaning that I would like to think about “wanting to” do it. Not actually doing it but that I would entertain doing it. Sometimes that is where I have to start.

So when crazy girl try’s to well talk crazy pray with and for me that my “want to” will no longer be broken.