The Wait is Over....................Sort Of.

The wait for our background check is over! I feel like there should be a hallelujah chorus playing in the background as I write that. Our social worker requested our background checks at the beginning of September and they were on her desk today. There is no explanation as to why it took as long as it did. I, also, had no idea how happy I would be to be done waiting for this part of our adoption journey. The funny part about it is we are still waiting. However, I take comfort that we are waiting for something different. It feels like we are moving forward. Now, we must wait for our home-study to get approved, then it gets sent to USCIS (U.S Citizenship and Immigration Services) so we can work on our I600-A application, which is an application for the children, we will adopt to become US citizens. As I have said before adoption should be renamed adoptwaiting, because adoption is a process of hurry up then waiting, then hurry up then waiting.

While my waiting is nowhere near over I have learned some lessons that I hope I can apply as we move forward. First, is that I have to be careful to not inject meaning into a situation. For example, it would be easy to say, “Your background check was held up because God wanted you to __________” fill in the blank. It can be dangerous to say a statement like that. First of all, God does not make things happen to teach me lessons. I don’t think God was thinking, “Tracy needs patience so I am going to make this happen.” I think this happened and God brought good out of it by teaching me patience, but I don’t think He made it happen so that I would learn patience.

The other danger in that statement is that the person, whom the statement is said to, is left to think their behaviors could control God’s actions. A statement like the one above implies that if you accomplish whatever the “fill in the blank” is, then God would allow our background checks to come back. To me that sounds like if I do the right thing and/or learn the right lesson then God will give us our background check. I don’t know about you but to me that sounds like I can control God with what I do.

I think another implication of that statement is that God is withholding something because I am not good enough. Whew, no pressure there. Not only do I need to figure out what the “fill in the blank” is, I then have to do it. What if I guess the wrong thing? What if the “fill in the blank” would take a lifetime to accomplish? God’s character is not like that. God is not holding out on me.

Another thing I learned was the “It is well with my soul” principle. I think at times I have bought into the lie that if some of my circumstances are tough that is okay because God has something better. He does, but on this side of the grave it may not seem that way. I think I may have even thought at times that if my circumstances are truly unbearable they will get better. They may not. In fact, my circumstances may never change. But that is okay because God will give me the strength to walk through whatever happens. In Mary Beth Chapman’s book Choosing to See she does not want her precious daughter to be in heaven, but no matter how much she did not like that, it was not going to change. But, Mary Beth testifies in almost every chapter of God’s provision, His faithfulness and how this world is but our temporary home. Such circumstances as she was facing acted as laser, which allowed her to see that principle more clearly.

The final thing I learned was not so much a lesson but, reminder and that is God is God and I am not. For a recovering control freak like me trying to find a way to be in control of non-controllable situation is par for the course. Being in a situation that was so far out of my control, served as an excellent reminder that no matter what, God is in control. He was not in heaven surprised that our background check was delayed. He was not nervous wondering if we are going to be able adopt before the end of 2011. He is well aware that the tax credit expires in 2011. He is not concerned with how long we have waited verses someone else. He is not wondering if we will be able to arrange our time off, or get tickets for a good price or any of it. He knows and He has it worked out. For a recovering control freak like me I would feel better if I knew some of what He knows. No matter how much I want to know, I am on a need to know basis and God does not think I need to know. Heb 11:1 “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

Just Keep Swimming

I think that there are many life skills that you can learn from the movie Finding Nemo. One of my favorite lines from the movie is the one where Dory is trying to encourage Nemo by saying, “Just keep swimming” It’s a phrase that can apply to many life situations and certainly summarizes how I feel right now.

Nothing in my circumstances with our adoption had changed. No background check means no moving forward. I am not happy with nor do I like this particular circumstance. But I can say two things that have changed in the past week. First, is that I continue to learn new things as we wait. Second, is out of nowhere my hope has been renewed.

I was doing what Dory from Nemo suggested but instead of swimming I “Just kept walking”. Picture a long winding road with tall trees and lots of growth all around it. The kind of road you can only see where you are and you have no idea where the end of this road is. If you are in the middle of that road, no matter how much you want to be done, or no matter how tired you think you are, when you wake up in the morning you have to start where you last left off which, is in the middle of the road. So there is a choice to be made you can stand there and complain, or you can “Just keep walking”.

It was funny, just yesterday I realized that I felt more hopeful than I have in a little while. I think hope can be like that. One day you realize, I don’t feel as hopeless as I did before. I started to think what changed? What did I do? Then I realized I didn’t do anything. I wish I could tell you the 5-step process to my new hopeful state, but I can’t explain it. I think the best explanation is God did it.

In the book Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman I was reminded how God sometimes calls us to do Hard. But He does not just call us He equips, prepares, and walks with us as we do hard. God brought to my mind one of the Mexico mission trips I took the youth on. Not what I think of as one of the hardest things I had to do, but nonetheless what God brought to my mind. I remembered how everyday I had to back the 15-passenger van up out of its narrow parking spot. I don’t do reverse. I wish there was a way to communicate to you how much I avoid reversing let alone, doing it in another country, in a 15-passenger van full of students. Every one of my students knew that. Everyday the most stressful part of the day was backing up that darn van. But God got me through it. We did it.

It was in reading how God met the Chapman’s as they walked through one of the hardest things I can think of. And how He has gotten me through many tough and sometimes hard situations, that God began to renew my hope.

I know that with God I can do this. I have the hope that we will get through this part of our adoption journey. I of course hope that the end will be soon, but if it’s not I will “Just keep swimming”.

What Not to Do While Waiting

I would love to be able to write that this part of our wait in the adoption journey is over. It’s not. I would also love to write that I have come to a total peace and acceptance of our waiting during this part of the journey. I can’t. That is not to say that I don’t have moments of peace; I do. I can see the top of the hill in the area of acceptance. I have accepted, but it is begrudgingly. I have just started to fear-wonder-think that I am a good example of what NOT to do when you are faced with waiting on God.

I began to ponder what does it look like to wait well? I am not sure we have a lot of examples. I mean Abraham and Sarah waited for 25 years for their promised son. Ishmael was born because Sarah had Abraham sleep with her maidservant. That doesn’t sound like waiting well. Then Sarah laughed when the Lord said that they would have a son. I’m not sure that sounds like waiting well. Then, I thought of Elisabeth Elliot who has had an extraordinary life and in her book Passion and Purity writes about her life and waiting to marry Jim Elliot. It has been a along time since I have read that book but I think her whole point in her writing the book was as an encouragement or example to wait well.

Now I am certain they’re other examples but thus far I am not sure I want to go the road of Abraham. And clearly, I am not waiting well so following in Elisabeth footsteps is out. Now what?

I vacillate somewhere between resting in the fact that God is God, it’s all under His control, in His time and acting like there is no hope, checking my email every .5 second to see if there is an email with news. When people ask about it I am unsure how to answer. If I say not well and I am discouraged, I often get versions of the following responses “It will all be worth it”, “It’s in God’s time” “Let go and let God”. All true. All good responses but, as I said in an earlier post, (click here to read) truth while true is not always comforting. But at the same time it’s hard because I don’t want people to feel like they can’t talk as I also mused in an earlier post (click here to read). So then I sometimes pretend it’s fine, or I am not bothered, or I evade the question.

It is an interesting place to be. With everything in me I want people to see Jesus in me. I pray that when people look into my life that there are more moments that bring God Glory than not. But here I am, and if I am going to be truthful, I am not sure that I am waiting well. I think I have more moments that I am discouraged, anxious, and trying to control God with my actions than not.

But the crazy thing is at the same time, I have this belief I believe God. I know He can do what He says He can do. I can do all things through Him. His Word is alive and active in me. God does answer prayer. No and wait ARE answers. Just because the answer is not yes does not mean He loves me less or that my life is less blessed than someone else’s. Even when I can’t see it God IS at work. He is the all powerful, everlasting God, the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and the Omega. God does not base the answers to my prayers on how well I behave, I can’t control God with what I do or don’t do. God loves me more than I can comprehend. He is always with me and He will never leave me or forsake me. His power is made perfect in my weakness. I know that no matter what God is not out to harm me. It’s these truths that inspire me to keep on keeping on in my journey with Him even if it never goes my way.

Right now it’s true I think I have a better way. But as a friend reminded with this quote by J. Vernon McGee "This is God's universe and God does things his way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe." I may want God to do it MY way but I think more often than not, the only way his to surrender to His way. Unless, does anyone know how you go about getting a universe?

The Gift No One Wants

I have a confession to make I am a returner. In case you don’t know what a returner is, let me elaborate. A returner is someone who returns things to the store, even gifts. I can hear gasps, even though no one is in the room with me. I know it is controversial, retuning a gift. I don’t return things just to return it. I don’t do it because I am ungrateful. I don’t’ do it because I am not thankful. I do it mostly out of practical reasons. I am certain the gift giver wanted me to use the gift. I return when there is no possible way I can use said gift. I realize that is controversial as well, again I am not saying I did not like the gift. I am saying there are times when being able to return something is an okay, if not a good thing.

What I don’t like is when you can’t return a gift. Especially, when all you want to do is return it. Right now the gift I would like to return is waiting. The thing I am waiting on is our adoption. Clearly, I am over the gift of waiting. I know waiting is a gift. I do, I really do, know that. I know waiting is good. I know that when it’s all said and done it will be worth the wait. I know that I may even be glad, and thankful that I was unable to return this gift. But, I am not going to lie I don’t feel that way now, and frankly, I just want to return this gift and no one will take it back.

Wanting to return something that no one will take back well let’s just be honest it stinks. When I go somewhere else to try to return it and they say nope it can’ t be done and the share the merits of why I should not return it, I am certain they do not understand how put-a-fork-in-me-I-am-over-done with this gift. Or maybe they do know but they also know this is a non-refundable, non-exchangeable, non-returnable gift and if I keep trying to return a non-refundable, non-exchangeable, non-returnable gift this will prove to be an exercise in frustration.

I think the problem comes when even a returner, like me, knows that some gifts no matter how much we want to return them are non-refundable, non-exchangeable, non-returnable gifts. I am fairly certain that I am not the only who has ever tried to find the escape clause in a non-refundable, non-exchangeable, non-returnable gift. These gifts come in many shapes, sizes, forms, and every color imaginable.

Through the process of trying to return my non-refundable, non-exchangeable, non-returnable gift I have gained a deeper understanding than I had before. I wanted to say learn but if I learned that non-refundable, non-exchangeable, non-returnable gifts can’t be returned would I keep trying to return them?

The first understanding that I have come to is said best by Anne, from Anne of Green Gables when she said, “I know the sun will go on raising and setting whether or not I fail geometry or not, that is true but is not especially comforting. I think I’d rather it didn’t go on if I failed!” Sometimes, the truth while true is not always comforting.

The second understanding I have come to that in spite of understanding number 1, it is good to be reminded of the truth.

The final understanding, at least to date so far, as I am waiting to return my gift is said best in Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint.” It does not say when we wait on a thing; waiting on thing brings tiredness, discouragement and is an exercise in frustration. It is when we wait on the Lord that our strength will be renewed. The hard part about waiting on the Lord and not waiting on______ fill in the blank, is not just saying it but actually doing it and living it. I think this means the gift of waiting is mine for a while longer.