Stop This Train I Want to Get Off

Adoption or adoptwaiting as I like to refer to it, can be difficult for even the most patient of people. It has certainly been for this patient challenged girl. But, lately for some inexplicable reason I have been rather hopeful, and I my opinion, about two doors down from patience. My only explanation for this phenomenon is God. Because anyone who knows me well, knows that I may drive by the neighborhood of patience without entering, but to be two doors down, that is God’s handiwork for certain.

Then seemingly out of nowhere came this gnawing thought. This thought started with “What If? It ended with things like: our whole adoption falling part, Ethiopia closing and stopping adoptions, the boys getting very sick. You get the picture. Any time I get a thought that starts with “What If” I know that I need to run not walk away, because thoughts that start with “What If” lead to nowhere but the crazy train. This thought kept coming up using different disguises but I could see it was the same thought so I was not giving it the time of day, until today.

I can’t exactly pinpoint how the door to this thought got open. All I know is one minute I am fine and the next minute, I am on the crazy train. Convinced that everything was just moments from falling apart. Not only was I convinced that everything related to our adoption was falling apart, but for good measure and at no extra charge I through in thoughts that questioned my skills and abilities. There is no telling where a train going 100 miles an hour like that will go next.

Since this is not my first ride on the crazy train, I quickly recognized that I needed an intervention. I am so thankful that God had put people in my life who tell me the truth. Even though it can be hard to hear at times, truth leads to freedom. I shared the thoughts that were swirling around in my head and even as I said them I realized how crazy they sounded. Talking it through helped me to realize that I needed to back this train up and stop.

My friend reminded me that God did not bring me this far just to leave me here. I told my friend, I know that she is right. I, also, told her I know that God is going to work it out, but as I have mused before in other posts, I am not sure He is going to work it out they way I would like to see it worked out. Ah yes, my ex-friend control trying to make a comeback. I was reminded how trusting God means surrendering my will, and the way I want it to be, to His perfect will and the way He wants it done.

My friend reminded me that that is easier said than done. She also reminded me that she recognizes how easy it is for her say because she is not in the middle of having to do this. Oddly I find that comforting. Comforting because to me that says I am not the only who struggles to do this.

So I am backing this train up and getting off. Right now this involves, reminding myself that no matter how badly I want my I-171 form, to come in tomorrows mail. If it does not come for another two weeks God is in control, He is trustworthy, He is good, He is God, and He is not going to leave me here with no way to finish what we have started.