The Girl Is Back In Town

I knew adoptwaiting(my affectionate term for what adoption really is: hurry up, okay wait, wait, wait, hurry up, wait, wait some more, you get the picture) would be a challenge, and that it would stretch and grow me, I never thought it would help build my character.

Let me explain. After my encounter with the crazy train situation I began to see how adoptwaiting was going to provide me, at no extra charge, an opportunity to grow in the area of self-control. I am not going to lie I never saw THAT coming.

The further we get in to this process the more I am reminded that it’s almost like there are two of me. There is the somewhat rational, trying to practice waiting on the Lord, trying to accept and figure out what it means to live out the Lord’s peace, who is growing everyday in her ability to trust the Lord more girl. Then there is this crazy girl who can stir up worry in moments notice usually without any facts, who regularly try’s all sorts of ways to figure out how she can gain control over her life situations, who gets so excited because she thinks she sees what the Lord is doing in certain situations that she will just try to ‘help Him out’ which often leads her to running ahead of the Lord girl. I thought this girl had moved. Unfortunately, with the whole adoptwaiting situation she has moved back in town. Because crazy girl is back in town the need to practice and consequently grow in the area of self-control is a number one priority.

This crazy girl is smart. She says rational things that sound like a good idea. I mean if she didn’t who would listen to her?

She tempts me to worry about the timing of when the boys are going to come to their new home. She tempts me worry if we will be able to parent the boys the way they need. She tempts me try to find ways that I can be in control of our adoptwaiting process.

What I am beginning to realize is that what makes choosing to exercise self control so difficult is that I have to surrender my will and the way I want it to happen to the Lords perfect timing and plan. I know it sounds crazy and I am no expert that is for certain. But I think that worry gets its power in fear. At least this is what I am discovering for me. I am worried we won’t get a court date before the courts close in August and September. Because I am genuinely concerned that won’t happen there is fear there. That fear is breeding ground for worry. Crazy girl uses this to her advantage at times. But, if I am able via being empowered by the Holy Spirit, to surrender my timeline and my will to His timeline then there is little place for worry to grow.

I am also beginning to realize/learn/think that surrender is not a one-time event you show up for it is a process. I somehow use to think surrender was a one and done kind of thing. Clearly, that was a crazy girl idea. I can genuinely, surrender today and need to do it again tomorrow and that does not mean I did not surrender. I think living surrendered to the Lord and His plans take practice. I think that I can surrender today what I know today, so when tomorrow comes there may be new aspects that I need to surrender. Keep in mind when I talk about surrendering I do not mean anyone can do this in of our own power we need the Lord’s help with such a task.

I am sure you are wondering where self-control comes in to play. I see self-control as choosing to do what we know we need to do. Put another way it is like our “want to”. If I don’t “want to” do something then I most likely am not going to do it. Adoptwaiting has helped me to see that my “want to” is broken, because I don’t “want to” surrender my will or my timeline to the Lords will and timline. Quite frankly, I often have to pray, “Lord help me to “want to” surrender my will. Meaning that I would like to think about “wanting to” do it. Not actually doing it but that I would entertain doing it. Sometimes that is where I have to start.

So when crazy girl try’s to well talk crazy pray with and for me that my “want to” will no longer be broken.

One Piece of Paper

I never new one piece of paper could be so important, until I began adoptwaiting. They don’t start off talking about it. They kind of ease you in to it. They tell you, you will create a dossier. Since you have never heard of a dossier before you are thinking a dossier that sounds easy. The thing they forgot to mention is that gathering a dossier is like trying to pick up paper in wind storm when everyone else’s trash is blowing all around as well.

A good example of this is when one of my friends who was writing one of the two recommendation letters we needed. She is at the bank hoping to get it notarized but she realizes that it does not have all the words the notary was suppose to write. Because it is important to note that not only are there detailed instructions on every piece of paper you need, there are detailed instructions for what the notary is suppose to write and how they are suppose to sign. It is also important that the notary does not expire within 6 months of when the document was signed. Right, then you need to get it state sealed. So the state the recommendation letter and notary originated from need to be sent to the Secretary of State of the state the letter and notary came from and they verify the notary. They put an official piece of paper on it all and it is State sealed. Repeat 25 more times.

In the midst of what I have heard referred to as the great paper chase, you apply with immigration to obtain your I-171 form. Once you apply they mail you appointments to go and get fingerprinted. Even though you have already been fingerprinted you get to go again. Once they have your fingerprints they are able to process your I-171 form. This form takes the longest to get so it is usually the last piece of paper needed when gathering your dossier.

When ours came in the mail, I am not sure what we thought it would say or what it would like. While we were waiting for it, everyday had the hope that today will be the day it comes in the mail. Then when it is not in the mail there is a bit of disappointment. So when it came this past Thursday, we were surprised and unsure. Is this it? Does it say on it I-am-the-most-important-piece-of-paper-that-you-have-been-waiting for? Ours did not. My husband called me at work and read it to me. We were unsure. Is this it? I asked him to send me a picture because I wanted to see it. Maybe if we were both looking at we could figure it out. 13 phone calls later, my ever-patient husband was able to send a photo I could print off and read. That is when we both saw it I-171. This is it. This is the paper we have been waiting for just under 3 months to receive.

Now our dossier is complete. We met with our social worker on Saturday to give it to her. She reviewed every piece of paper. She pointed out one that had been done wrong. Being at Starbucks about an hour from our house how could we print a new one? Starbucks to the rescue, they let me use their computer to pull up my email and he printed another copy of the page we needed. Then she saw our I-171 verification form, not to be confused with our I-171form, the verification form had been notarized. She asked me why did I do that? I told her we thought we needed to. She was on the verge of saying it was not going to work when she realized that we signed and dated it the same day our I-171 form had been approved. She said how lucky we had been, I corrected her, and I said it was providential. Only God could orchestrate that we have our verification form signed, dated and notarized on the exact date our I-171 form was approved. Just writing that reminds me of my previous post about trusting God and how can I not trust a God who is the God of such details?

Stop This Train I Want to Get Off

Adoption or adoptwaiting as I like to refer to it, can be difficult for even the most patient of people. It has certainly been for this patient challenged girl. But, lately for some inexplicable reason I have been rather hopeful, and I my opinion, about two doors down from patience. My only explanation for this phenomenon is God. Because anyone who knows me well, knows that I may drive by the neighborhood of patience without entering, but to be two doors down, that is God’s handiwork for certain.

Then seemingly out of nowhere came this gnawing thought. This thought started with “What If? It ended with things like: our whole adoption falling part, Ethiopia closing and stopping adoptions, the boys getting very sick. You get the picture. Any time I get a thought that starts with “What If” I know that I need to run not walk away, because thoughts that start with “What If” lead to nowhere but the crazy train. This thought kept coming up using different disguises but I could see it was the same thought so I was not giving it the time of day, until today.

I can’t exactly pinpoint how the door to this thought got open. All I know is one minute I am fine and the next minute, I am on the crazy train. Convinced that everything was just moments from falling apart. Not only was I convinced that everything related to our adoption was falling apart, but for good measure and at no extra charge I through in thoughts that questioned my skills and abilities. There is no telling where a train going 100 miles an hour like that will go next.

Since this is not my first ride on the crazy train, I quickly recognized that I needed an intervention. I am so thankful that God had put people in my life who tell me the truth. Even though it can be hard to hear at times, truth leads to freedom. I shared the thoughts that were swirling around in my head and even as I said them I realized how crazy they sounded. Talking it through helped me to realize that I needed to back this train up and stop.

My friend reminded me that God did not bring me this far just to leave me here. I told my friend, I know that she is right. I, also, told her I know that God is going to work it out, but as I have mused before in other posts, I am not sure He is going to work it out they way I would like to see it worked out. Ah yes, my ex-friend control trying to make a comeback. I was reminded how trusting God means surrendering my will, and the way I want it to be, to His perfect will and the way He wants it done.

My friend reminded me that that is easier said than done. She also reminded me that she recognizes how easy it is for her say because she is not in the middle of having to do this. Oddly I find that comforting. Comforting because to me that says I am not the only who struggles to do this.

So I am backing this train up and getting off. Right now this involves, reminding myself that no matter how badly I want my I-171 form, to come in tomorrows mail. If it does not come for another two weeks God is in control, He is trustworthy, He is good, He is God, and He is not going to leave me here with no way to finish what we have started.