Even The Lone Ranger Had Tonto

Our church is in the middle of a study that covers many aspects of the Christian life. We have come upon the aspect, from my perspective, of community. This is a passion of mine, as I am a firm believer of doing life with other people. Doing life with people is the process of knowing others and being known by others. Being in relationship with people who say the things that need to be said but you may not want to hear and you return the favor for them. It is people who know your faults and they love you anyway but at the same time they challenge you to grow beyond your flaws. I have really come to believe that community is one way God does some of his best work in and through me.

The sad thing to me is that doing life with others is not something our culture encourages or even creates a lot of opportunity for. In fact, I think it works against it in some ways.

Our current cultures is all about fast, and a give it to me now attitude. We have microwaves, almost every kind of instant food you can think of, drive thru’s, 24-hour pharmacies and grocery stores, instant messaging, overnight delivery, faxing and email. Don’t get me wrong I l love these things, but if I am using things designed to get it done faster why do I have so much less time?

I wonder if these things designed to save us time actually make us busier because we feel like we have saved so much time, so we can do more. I am not sure that was the goal of these so-called time saving activities. I think quite the opposite is true that we need to do less. This always-need-to-be-doing-something-because-the-more-busy-I-am-the-more-I produce-the-better-I-must-be-attitude is not so conducive to doing life with anyone.

Doing life with others when you are traveling a hundred miles an hour is difficult. I learned this the hard way, I missed a lot of my life by being so scheduled I had no time to do things that just popped up. I also missed moments. You know the moments in life that are special and usually they show up in your life unannounced and unscheduled. But being busy and scheduled it was hard to be in the moment and enjoy them, because I had to be conscience of the next thing I had to get to or get done. The thing about moments is, that once they are gone, they are gone.

I think it’s in those moments that God can do much in and through me and I do not want to miss them. I want the chance to do life with others. This was such a timely reminder to me as I just this weekend sat across the table from a dear friend and actually said, “I’m starting think I am not doing enough with my life and that I need to do more.” Even as I wrote those words I laughed out loud. What a bald-face-lie-from-the-pit-of-hell. My friend reminded me of this. She also reminded me that even so called “good things” could keep me so busy I miss the moments of my life. I was also reminded, some of the best moments I have had, in doing life with others aren’t the ones I plan or schedule. But they happen when I am not looking. I have strengthened my resolve to keep busy at bay, so I can take advantage of them when they show up.

To Speak Or Not To Speak

I should have seen it coming. On Saturday, I had the privilege to go and hear Beth Moore. I was excited. She introduced the topic she was going to focus on for the day. Proverbs 31:26 “She opens her mouth with wisdom and kindness is on her tongue” UM really? On her tongue is the law of a kindness? Oh dear, the Lord is doing it again. Having me run into the message of speaking kind or watching my words. Oh my, and I was praying that my focus would not be on waiting on our adoption. This not exactly what I had mind. J

All day Beth talked about kindness. Not just speaking kind but acting kind as well. While I was convicted, at the same time I was encouraged. As we left with her message fresh on my heart and mind, I committed to begin to implement these truths. Little did I know.

I arrived at church as I do most Sunday’s later than I had hoped. I went to sit down in the sanctuary prepared to worship. Then I see her. My kryptonite, if you will, when it comes to living out the law of kindness. I really don’t want to miss the sermon just because my kryptonite is there. I work to keep my focus and my eyes (literally) on the Lord and what is happening up front, not on who is around me. For most of the time I am able to shut out the fact that my kryptonite is near by. Even so, I can feel, I don’t know what to call it, something begin to rise within me.

By the end of the service this something, I think sin may be a good thing to call it, has almost consumed me. Everything in me wants to be unkind to them. I mean everything. I tell my friend next to me, who was at Beth Moore, to pray for me because everything in me wants to be unkind to this person.

The more I think about it, the more I feel I have “the right” to be unkind. I know that this feeling is a lie. After I combat that lie, another creeps in tempting me to plan my unkind words. I remember a pastor once speaking about people planning sin, and thinking, “I don’t do that.” I do believe planning the unkind, mean words to say to another qualifies as planning sin.

I had no idea that on the day after I commit to be kind there would be a test. I felt as though I have not had enough time with the material. I haven’t studied and I feel underprepared.

As those thought pass through my mind, I remember that I don’t have to do this on my own strength. I have the Lord’s strength and his secret weapon the Holy Spirit, if I choose to use them and let them be in control. The Lord does not expect me to do it on my own. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”

Even in this truth the temptation is for me to take the credit, and think “Yes, aren’t I grand I withstood the temptation using the power of God.” The truth is I was given this power to withhold my planned unkind words NOT to bring glory or attention to me, but to bring glory my God.

People who know me, know that I could not do anything like that in of my own power. So if you ever see me walk away from an opportunity to use unkind words, remember it’s not me it’s Him who is in me. Thank you Lord!

If You Don't Have Something Nice to Say.......

Words are a funny business aren’t they? I couldn’t agree more with James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.” My mouth or tongue, as James is referring to, is guilty as charged. It has led unabashedly in verbalizing things that are better left unsaid. At the same time it has spoken words of hope and healing. It’s a crazy thing words.

I say this because right now I am pondering being on the wrong end of receiving words that were said with no malice yet were piercing none the less. So then in woundedness I contemplate making a list of words that are not kind to say to say to someone who is adopting. Surely, that will solve the problem my hurt heart thinks.

But then I remembered, when my mom died the same thing happened to me then. Some words were spoken that were hurtful. Should I make a list for that? Well then I thought of my friend who is single and had the same thing happen to her. Should there be a list for that? The more I think about it the more I think there are many situations where people say words that end up being hurtful. The situations could be anything, divorce, death, illness, infertility, pregnancy, job loss, children with special needs, disabilities the list could go on. It makes my mind spin. There would be so many lists, there would be little left to say. I am not certain that’s entirely the answer.

So then I started to think maybe it’s just me I am being over sensitive. No doubt that there are situations where I need to let words roll off my back like water off a duck. But at the same time I am not exactly certain that is entirely the answer either.

Maybe it’s a combination of things. Do a little more of what our mothers said “If you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all.” Get a bit thicker skin. Believe the best in what people are trying to say, although this can be hard as even the best-intentioned words can be hurtful. Think before speaking. Remembering not everyone has had the same experiences as me. So before speaking, asking the question “Would someone who had a different experience find these words helpful or hurtful?” Say less. For a person who uses 20 words when 10 would have been just fine saying less can be a novel idea. I think Job’s friends were on it when they did not speak to him for 7 days because his grief was so great.

These can be hard things to do. The more I thought about it the more I thought holy, moly mackerel selfishness and pride can keep me from doing any of these things. Selfishness and pride say things like: what I have to say should be heard, why should I have to think before I talk I always say the right thing, people need to think more about me and what they say to me, people want to hear what I have to say, and my personal favorite I’m different.

While my pondering did not bring me to 5 easy steps on what not to say, so I could give it to everyone and therefore spare further hurt feelings to anyone. It did remind for every time I have been on the receiving end of hurtful words. I have been on the perpetrating end of saying hurtful words. That thought is highly motivating because all though I can’t stop others from saying hurtful words I can work on stopping me.

Tales of a Control Freak in Recovery

I am a recovering control freak and for me, the whole adoption processes, has been another part of my recovery processes. I say recovering control freak because being in control is something I still struggle with wanting. Which is funny because I know that control is just an illusion, that even when I think I am in control I am not really. I know that God is control and I want him to be. I believe that truth but unfortunately what I live out, well, that tells a different story. Because even though I believe the above truth in my head, this truth is making it’s way in tiny bits and very slowly to my heart. I have learned that what we live out shows what we really believe. Saying we believe something just shows that we can say it, NOT that we believe it.

The truth about who is control in my life was challenged this week when our social worker called Jeff. She told him that the main office of our adoption agency wanted us to refill out the preliminary international adoption application. She did not explain why and Jeff did not think to ask. I wanted to know why? In the absence of that knowledge my mind went haywire. What does this mean? Are we not allowed to adopt form Ethiopia? How could that be? We were originally approved to adopt from there. Will we not be allowed to pursue the sibling group we were hoping to pursue? I attempted to remember that God is control not me and this was NOTHING to get worried about.

Clearly, that lasted 2 minutes. The need to gain the upper hand and be in control was strong. For me sometimes that shows in self in my need for knowledge to know what is going on or that everything will be okay. I had to call our social worker and find out for myself what was up. I had to leave a voicemail and being the Friday before Labor Day weekend I figured my chances of her calling me back were not good. In desperation I tried to get others to assure me all would be okay. At that moment, it was not enough for me to trust that God was in control; I wanted to know that it was going to all work out.

This situation also brought to light an aspect of my struggle to let God be in control is my fear that he won’t do what I want him to. It’s not necessarily because I think I know what is best. It’s crazy isn’t? This is control mixed with a bit of fear of the unknown, and a smidgen of pride.

The beauty of God is even though I was behaving badly. He was gracious and our social worker did call me back. She answered my questions, which put my fears to rest. She also shared a bit of potential good news. It looks as though we may be able to move forward in pursuing the sibling group we were looking at. That is exciting and exactly what I was hoping to hear.

At the same time, there was a corner of my mind that had fear; wait is this really what we want to do? Isn’t funny when we get the news that things look favorable and that things may work out just the way we hoped, we think wait is this really the best? It makes me laugh out loud. What good is being in control if I am not certain that I know what is the best? Ah, and there it is I don’t know what is best. Which is always leads me to remember God does. He alone is God and I am not. This is a truth I continue to practice living not just saying.