More Tales Of A Control Freak In Recovery

Being a control freak in recovery is no easy task. Life provides numerous opportunities in which I desire to take control or be in control. I have said it before and I will say it again control is just an illusion because no matter how much I think I am in control I am not. God is simply humoring me. Because no matter what: God IS always in control.

Remember, the adoption slow down that I talked about last week? We still don’t really know what this means. How will it affect Ethiopia and the many people who are in the adoption processes? It is still unclear. How long will it take for us to bring home the boys, is still unknown.

The funny thing about this is that I have had myself convinced that if I can just get answers, find out what is really happening, then I won’t be so worried because at least I will know what is going on. That’s the story I have been telling myself. Today I was waiting for information about a conference call our adoption agency was having. A friend was going to share what happened once this information was shared with her. I thought great once I know what’s happened in this conference call I will be okay and I won’t have to worry because I will know what’s going on. I got myself so convinced of this that I could not even wait for my friend to share this information I had to go and ask “Has anyone heard anything?” Of course she replied that she had not heard anything. Later in the afternoon she shared what she found out. I was truly thankful to read that information.

Then it struck me. I know more now than I did before I read it, but I still don’t know what is happening.  How will this affect the friends that I have made who are waiting to pass court or get court dates? How will affect those who are waiting for referrals? How will affect those who are waiting for embassy dates? How will it affect us being able to bring the boys home? I falsely believed that information would some how give me control. Not that I could control the situation mind you but that I would know what is happening. My faulty thinking is that if I could know what would happen then of course I am in control. 

No matter how much information I find out it still won’t be enough so that I won’t be surprised. No amount of information is going to give me control. I know this truth that I just wrote, yet this faulty thinking does not give up easily.

I am so thankful that God humors me in the many different ways I seek to gain control of my life. I am so thankful that He is in control even if that means that I am not in control and that I have no idea how it will all work out. Although I would lying if I said there are not moments I wish I could be in control of. Adoptwaiting, has provided and will continue to provide this control freak in recovery many opportunities to not be in control. The thing that is exciting about that to me is another story about what I accomplished or what I did, those are a dime a dozen. But, stories that start with you will never believe what God…..or you will never believe how God. Those stories are priceless because they are all so different because we are all so different. God rarely does the same thing twice.

So I wish I could say you won’t see me trying to gain control in some new and creative way or maybe in some old way. I am learning and growing and God isnt’ finished with me yet. But, I do look forward to being able to share sometime in the near future you’ll never believe what God did…….