If You Don't Have Something Nice to Say.......

Words are a funny business aren’t they? I couldn’t agree more with James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.” My mouth or tongue, as James is referring to, is guilty as charged. It has led unabashedly in verbalizing things that are better left unsaid. At the same time it has spoken words of hope and healing. It’s a crazy thing words.

I say this because right now I am pondering being on the wrong end of receiving words that were said with no malice yet were piercing none the less. So then in woundedness I contemplate making a list of words that are not kind to say to say to someone who is adopting. Surely, that will solve the problem my hurt heart thinks.

But then I remembered, when my mom died the same thing happened to me then. Some words were spoken that were hurtful. Should I make a list for that? Well then I thought of my friend who is single and had the same thing happen to her. Should there be a list for that? The more I think about it the more I think there are many situations where people say words that end up being hurtful. The situations could be anything, divorce, death, illness, infertility, pregnancy, job loss, children with special needs, disabilities the list could go on. It makes my mind spin. There would be so many lists, there would be little left to say. I am not certain that’s entirely the answer.

So then I started to think maybe it’s just me I am being over sensitive. No doubt that there are situations where I need to let words roll off my back like water off a duck. But at the same time I am not exactly certain that is entirely the answer either.

Maybe it’s a combination of things. Do a little more of what our mothers said “If you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all.” Get a bit thicker skin. Believe the best in what people are trying to say, although this can be hard as even the best-intentioned words can be hurtful. Think before speaking. Remembering not everyone has had the same experiences as me. So before speaking, asking the question “Would someone who had a different experience find these words helpful or hurtful?” Say less. For a person who uses 20 words when 10 would have been just fine saying less can be a novel idea. I think Job’s friends were on it when they did not speak to him for 7 days because his grief was so great.

These can be hard things to do. The more I thought about it the more I thought holy, moly mackerel selfishness and pride can keep me from doing any of these things. Selfishness and pride say things like: what I have to say should be heard, why should I have to think before I talk I always say the right thing, people need to think more about me and what they say to me, people want to hear what I have to say, and my personal favorite I’m different.

While my pondering did not bring me to 5 easy steps on what not to say, so I could give it to everyone and therefore spare further hurt feelings to anyone. It did remind for every time I have been on the receiving end of hurtful words. I have been on the perpetrating end of saying hurtful words. That thought is highly motivating because all though I can’t stop others from saying hurtful words I can work on stopping me.