What a Difference a Week Makes

When Jeff and I started the adoption process we started pursuing international adoption. It is something I have always wanted to do. Especially the part of adopting a sibling group i.e. sisters, brothers or brothers and sisters. They can be difficult to place and well I have always wanted to do that. Once we started the mountains of paper work, otherwise known as the adoption process, we realized that there were some barriers, which at the time did not seem that we could overcome. So we began pursuing domestic adoption.

During this part of our wait I read a lot. ….. On a side note sometimes I think it should be called adoptwaiting because so much of the process is waiting….back to my other thought reading….. I read things I liked, things I didn’t. I read things I agreed with and things I didn’t. As I have said before in another blog the waiting was a gift. I did not always, nor even now, do I always see it that way, but it was/is. I learned and grew. God did and continues to work in my life.

Then a little over a week ago as I was reading about the waiting children our adoption agency has, it’s a place I checked often just in case there might be siblings internationally we could pursue. This time when I checked there was a sibling group that we met all the qualifications of that country and might be able to pursue adopting. Jeff and I inquired about them to find out more information. Since the time Jeff and I started this adoptwaiting some key barriers to international adoption had been knocked down. In attempting to pursue this sibling group we decided that even if we could not get these sibling that maybe we could adopt other siblings. That is when international adoption made it’s way back into our adoption journey or adoptwaiting as the case may be.

Last Monday as I wrote this blog we were still pursuing domestic adoption and now here we are moving forward to adopt from Ethiopia. What a difference a week makes.

That’s the crazy thing about my journey with the Lord. I’m telling him what is going on, how I really would like to see-fill in the blank with whatever I am praying for at the time- and when I look out into the horizon I don’t see a glimmer of change. I get discouraged. Then the next day when I look there it is. It wasn’t there a moment ago and now it is. How easy it is for me to forget that just because nothing is in the horizon doesn’t mean, there isn’t something out there. I just can’t see it yet. Ah there it is again, the crux, seeing it. How easy is it to have faith in what I can see or what I know. 1 Cor 5:7 “We live by faith, not by sight.” It’s not the other way around is it? Live by sight, not faith. I sure sometime wish it was. Yet, I’m always challenged by the thought is it faith if I know what is going to happen? Better yet, is it faith if I am only trusting God to not let what I don’t want to happen, happen? HMMM…..

Encouraging Words

I know the story below was written with the journey of parenthood in mind, but I think that it can apply to almost any situation, finding the perfect job or a church, and even a good friend. It could apply to living with an illness, to raising children, to getting married or having a great marriage. I know for me this story so captures how I feel when I feel that I am in the middle of, between where I am and where I hope to be. Today is the kind of day when my heart, who feels like we will never get to the other side of our adoption journey, has trouble believing the truth that my head keeps trying to send to down. On days like this it’s the words of truth in this story that helps my heart along. Maybe it can help your heart too.

Step by Step

Visualize strolling through a peaceful forest with the Lord Jesus at your side. You are on a journey to the land where hopes and dreams are fulfilled. As the sunlight filters through the trees you think to yourself, Life couldn't be more perfect! Surely this is what the Lord meant when he said he had come to give us more abundant life! You are sharing with him your hope of becoming a mother soon and thanking him for creating you a woman and giving you the privilege of conceiving and bearing new life.

But suddenly, you begin to hear the rush of water and, as you come to a clearing in the trees, you see a wide and roaring river. Your heart stops! You need to get to the other side. That's where your hopes and dreams will become reality. You feel panic and frustration rising within you. You begin running frantically up and down the shoreline looking for a way to get across to the other side. You see your future waiting for you over there, but there's no way to reach it. You begin to call for help, hoping someone in a boat will hear you and take you across. You feel so alone. Where are your friends and family when you need them the most?

You begin to stomp your foot and beat your fists against the nearest tree. You shout, "What's happening? Five minutes ago I was so happy - now this!" You throw yourself down on the bank. You feel as though your heart has been torn out and thrown into the murky water, to be washed away downstream in the foam.

The tears continue to fall for days, weeks, years it seems. But, finally, out of total brokenness you begin to look for the friend you abandoned at first sight of that horrible river. You don't take many steps before you see him sitting there. As your eyes meet his, your very soul suddenly overflows with feelings of love, peace, and acceptance.

"I've been waiting for you," he says. "I know the way across the river. Will you trust me to deliver you safely to the other side?" Words cannot form in your mouth, so you silently slip your hand into his, assuring him that yes, you are ready.

He begins to lead you along the shoreline and it isn't long before you see a path across the water leading to the other side. Stones! A path of stepping stones! Why hadn't you seen those before? Finally, there is a bridge across the troubled waters. There, just waiting for you, are the hopes and dreams of a lifetime.

He steps out first. How comforting it is to know that he goes before you. Time passes slowly. It seems you've been stepping from stone to stone for a very long time, so you strain to see around your leader, wanting to know how much farther you have to go. In doing so, you lose your balance and slip off the rock into the churning water. He quickly turns, reaches down, and draws you out of danger. You're thankful he doesn't rebuke you for your impatience and lack of trust in his ability and promise to get you safely to the other side. He just smiles and says, "Follow me!"

As time drags on you again begin to wonder when you'll ever reach your destination. You think to yourself, If I look back to see how far we have come, maybe that will encourage me to keep the faith. So you stop and look behind you.

You can't believe your eyes! You look to the left and then to the right! There are people behind you—men and women all plodding along on paths to get to the other side. Where did they all come from?, your heart cries. Where were they when I felt so alone?

You position yourself on the stone beneath you so you can see these fellow travelers more clearly. You begin to realize that not all pathways are the same. Some paths seem shorter than others. Some are straight and others crooked. Just to your left you see a woman practically running across her stones, not taking the careful, slow steps you must take in order not to slip or fall. Why, her stones are much closer together than yours - no wonder! How unfair! She will reach the other side long before you will and you started out before she did!

You decide you must speak to the Lord about this. You carefully turn forward again and there he stands, on the stone right in front of yours - patiently waiting for you to continue your journey. You are surprised at the bitter and selfish words that flow out of your mouth but, after all, "This isn't fair!" He listens and, when you are finished, gently says, "The stones I have chosen for your brothers and sisters are not your concern. You follow me!" He stretches out his hand and once again you relinquish your hand into his care and allow him to guide you across.

It seems forever, but you finally reach the other side. As you wearily step onto the bank you look behind you. Your heart is filled with compassion for those still stepping from stone to stone. You hear the Lord say, "My child, if you could share with them how to make their journey easier, their burden lighter, what would you tell them?"

Thinking for a moment you reply, "Lord, I'd tell them that even though the stones you have chosen for them seem too many in number or too far apart for their stride, if they will only keep their hand in your hand, neither looking to the left nor to the right, but gazing steadfastly in front of them, then you will guide them safely over each stone until they reach the desires of their hearts."

-Janet Malcom

The View From The Middle

Several months ago I started to read an adoption discussion board. I was searching for others who were going through a similar experience and I thought maybe I could learn something. Well that is how it started anyway. Now it’s kind of like a train wreck, you don’t want to look but you can’t help it. I can’t seem to miss doing it. There have even been times when I have thought; “I should stop doing this” because reading it has made me more discouraged than encouraged. I have not posted anything or even joined in on the discussion. I am more of a lurker.

While I have been lurking, I have found those whom I agree with and those who I don’t. I have learned things. I been challenged but at the same time it has been well, rather discouraging. I mean there are times when I read that board and it seems as though there is no hope. There are no happy adoptions. The adoptive kids are deeply troubled, natural moms who are miserable and adoptive moms are all yucky. That’s when I think, “I should stop reading this.” But other times I think, “I should keep reading this because maybe I am missing something and this will help me.” After all, I don’t want to be an uneducated, ignorant adoptive parent. At the same time, I think I keep reading because I am looking for the hope in it all. It’s the same thing that keeps me watching a bad movie because I am certain that the movie has got to get better.

It is this very characteristic that is contributing to my current fascination with Rahab the prostitute, from the book of Joshua. I love that Rahab is not just Rahab; she has “the prostitute” attached to her name. What a thing to live with, being a prostitute. What I love most about Rahab is what happened to her later in her life. She is mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus. Matthew 1:5 says “Salmon the father of Boaz, whose mother was Rahab, Boaz the father of Obed, whose mother was Ruth, Obed the father of Jesse,” When I read that verse I realized several things.

First, “the prostitute” part of her name is not mentioned. Second, she marries and has a son. Third, her son is Boaz, who is very important in the life of Ruth. Finally, Ruth and Boaz have a son Jesse, Rahab’s great grandson, who is the father of David.

To me that is very exciting stuff, Rahab who was a prostitute, marries, that in of itself is awesome. But not only does she marry but she also has a son who turns out be a pretty awesome guy. And, she is in the family tree of Jesus to boot. To me that is the ultimate story of hope. I mean If God can do that in her life surely he can do that in anyone life’s. Well I suppose anyone who lets HIM be in charge of his or her life, i.e. letting God be in control.

This where I come back to the adoption discussion blog, if God can do all of this in the life Rahab surely He can do similar things in adoptive families. Right!?

I realize that the redemption and transformation of Rahab’s life was not easy. This is not a fairy tale. There is no telling the amount of struggle, pain, difficulties, tears, and times I’m sure that Rahab thought, “Prostitution has to be better than this.” But, at the same time there is no mention of the joy, happiness, laughter, and love either. We see her beginning and her end. The middle of the story is well; it’s kind of missing. Of course without the Lord, Rahab would have never gotten to where she ended up, but other than that fact we have little else to help us see how Rahab got to where she got. Maybe if I knew her middle there would be times when part of her transformation story would be discouraging. HMMM maybe with these discussion boards I’m just getting too much of the middle of the story. I am not always aware of the beginnings, and I have not read many endings.

I had the idea that the road to parenthood and the process of actually being a parent is not an easy road for anyone. There are bumps; bruises and trails where it seems like you are the only one. The road to parenthood through adoption and being an adoptive parent, while well traveled, is not quite as heavily populated as other roads. This does not make the road any more difficult, just unique and there may be fewer who are able to be road guides.

So I’m wondering, while I have learned a lot on the discussion boards maybe these are not the road guides for me. Maybe they have different maps and I thought since we are all somewhere in the adoption process we all had the same map. Maybe they are my guides and I am just too much in the middle of my process to see that. This will be an interesting story to see the end of.

Winter and Road Construction

Since moving to Illinois I have heard the joke about 2 seasons in Illinois, winter and road construction. It’s one thing to joke but it is an entirely a different thing when you have to live the joke of road construction out. My commute to work is 6 miles. This summer it has been road construction on both major routes. Being the time challenged person that I am, I have started to think that the best way for me to get to work is to parachute and land on the building! Since I am not sure I see the need the need to jump out of perfectly good airplane, I am not certain that I will be parachuting to work anytime soon.

Non-funny as road construction has been to me these past several weeks I had a funny experience. I was driving to work this morning on the route that has no road construction, when they started to make two lanes go into one lane. So I was being obliging and was getting into the right lane. Just as I go over to the right lane the car behind me got into the left lane. Instantly, I thought she is going to try to get in ahead of all of us who were being courteous and getting over. This is one of my pet peeves, people who ride up trying to get ahead of those of us who got over. I hate that! Right then and there my only purpose in driving was to NOT let that girl get in front of me. She sped up and I sped up. Out loud I said no, you don’t get to do that. For a second I feared she would she force her way in. But right then and there it did not matter I was NOT letting her in. I mean nothing mattered more then NOT letting her in. Sadly at the moment of truth I must admit that I called her a not so nice name, and sped up which prevented her from getting in front of me. I watched her car get behind me and funny enough I did not have the victorious feeling I thought I would.

In fact, I had quite the opposite. I wondered why I had made this thing a do or die type of situation. I wished I had just let her in. As much as I disliked, and still dislike the behavior she was exhibiting, I dislike how I responded more.

I remembered this feeling was not a unique one. There have been other times that I did not back down. Other times that my way was THE only way. Yet getting my way or forcing someone else to back down does not actually produce the end result I hoped for or even thought that I would get. Instead of feeling victorious, I feel badly, that I did not back down or had to have MY way. After such moments, I am able to see clearly, that pursuing what I was pursuing is really not worth it. That this is not the person I want to be. Sometimes I think it is not even the person I am. But, if it were not me, would I do this? If I only I could remember this feeling, so in remembering this, it would stop me from doing this again.

The temptation for me in those moments is to get down on myself when I act far differently than I hoped I would. I was reminded that I am good company as Paul writes of his experience in Romans 7: 19-21 “When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.” Ah, I am not alone. Paul goes on to say that God does not leave me here. Romans 8:1 says “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” I am all about the hope. I love the hope that in Christ, I am not condemned. I love that in Christ I have the hope that I will not always pursue MY way. A girl always has to have hope. I am so thankful that my hope is in Christ. I even have the hope that parachuting will not be the only way to get to work!

Thinking and Knowing Are Two Different Things

God teaches me in a variety of ways. One-way he teaches me is to illustrate his truth or message in my life. I remember this example vividly. I was driving, and this other driver did something completely, down right, well stupid. I of course, quick to judge, verbalized how stupid they were. Literally, not ten minutes later I committed a similar driving faux pas. I instantly recalled how I had just called the other driver stupid. I was convicted right there, I am no different then the other driver. They needed the same grace that I wanted extended to me, to them.

Another way that God teaches me is with what I like to call the two by four method. Sometimes, I can be so closed, or stubborn, that God has to keep bringing the thing he is trying to teach me up, over and over and over again. Kind of like being hit on the head with a two by four. Not that God desires, or wants to hit anyone or me over the head. However, in my life in those times when I am less then receptive to what God is trying to show me He has used this method.

As I sat listening to the sermon yesterday and the dots started to connect and all of the sudden I got it. I mean I really got it. I practically was on the verge of standing up in the middle of the sermon saying, “Got it, I heard you loud and clear Lord.” Thankfully, I restrained myself.

For a couple of weeks now, I have been hearing things about bitterness, and forgiveness. I have been resistant to this message because there are some people that a) I don’t want to forgive b) They have hurt me and are in a position to hurt me again and c) I don’t like them. Now I recognize that is not the attitude one should have or is even suppose to have. Yesterday when I was listening to the sermon and the Pastor, who was preaching on Acts 1:8 you will be my witness to the ends of the earth, said part of the going to the ends of the earth is going to those we do not like, I began to think, “Uh Oh God is trying to tell me something.” Then, the Pastor went on to challenge us to live through the power of the Holy Spirit with those we don’t like with forgiveness, joy, acceptance and gratitude. Then it went from thinking God was trying to tell me something to knowing God is trying to tell me something.

What is funny about the whole process is that while I have the big idea of what God is trying to teach me, I am uncertain as to how it will all play out or what it will look like once it is all said and done. What is funny about it is I have just come to realize that part of my struggle with this lesson is the fear of what I THINK God will do. I have been resistant because of what I THINK. Nothing has even begun to move in a direction that would lead me to conclude that God is even thinking about moving in the direction I fear He will go. Even so I am resistant to even take the first step forward because of what I fear might happen. It reminds me of the book with Grover and he doesn’t want you to turn the pages because there is a monster at the end of the book. When you get to the end of the book Grover was worried for nothing because HE was the monster at the end of the book. Grover was fearful about what he thought would happen and he almost missed having the book be read. It makes me realize I don’t want to miss the end just because I am afraid of what the end might be. Who knows? Maybe I will get to the end and like Grover, I’ll realize the thing I was afraid of was me.