Wow, I Could Have Had a V-8

Just when I thought I could not learn another thing about waiting, smack I did. Lately, it has been a lot like those V-8 commercials when they smack themselves on their forehead and say "I could have had a V-8." Except for me, it’s like "Wow, I never really thought of it like that before."

I had friend say to me, “Wow you are waiting well. It seems like it does not even bother you.” To which I replied, “What?!?”

How can it be that ANYONE would think that I am waiting well? But, then it occurred to me, she can’t see some of the torture I reserve only for my head. No one can see that I check my email 52 times an hour just to see if there is any news. No one can see that when the phone rings there is a split second that I hope it our social worker. No one can see all the thoughts that I let swirl around in my head that cause me to worry or be fearful.

I realized that part of my struggle is that I am always trying to figure it all out. Why is it taking so long? Why have we been in this process for 2 years? Do you think God is trying to prepare me for something bad?

When I go down that road, of trying to figure it all out, I then begin to brainstorm ways I can get some answers. I reason with myself telling myself that knowing is good. Knowledge is power. After all if I know then I can prepare. I’ m not against knowledge or preparing, believe me. What I do have a problem with is when these tactics are just another way of trying to be in control Ah; there it is my friend control, rearing its ugly head.

I have said it before and I will say it again there is virtually nothing you can control in the adoption process. That doesn’t keep me from trying.

It has taken me a couple of days to come to this place but I want to stop. Not stop adoption, no, no, no. I want to stop the mind games that I have let run rampant. I want to give myself over the process and stop trying to control a non-controllable situation. I feel like the baby who is so tired yet they will not go to sleep. They just won’t let themselves fall asleep. I am going to let myself fall asleep.

I have no idea why our adoption has taken so long; I have no idea how long it will take to complete our adoption. I want to stop trying to figure it out because I can’t. I realized when my friend said what she said, that I no longer want to torture my mind. I guess it took my friend saying that for me to realize the person who was making it harder for me to wait was me. Don’t get me wrong waiting is still hard and given the choice I would choose no waiting. Being the wait challenged person that I am I may even relapse for a moment. But, for now in this moment, I choose to surrender.