Nobody Wants to Put Their Foot In Their Mouth

The adoption process has stretched and grown me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. As a self-confessed person who frequently just opens her mouth to change feet, the adoption process has been a surprising teacher regarding my sensitivity about what I say to others. That is one of the reasons I blog, to share some of things I have learned or am in process of learning, because many of the things I have learned can be applied to many different life situations. Today, my focus is on sharing what things may not be the best choice of words to say to an adoptive or in my case potential adoptive parent (AP or PAP). Now I must preface this, by laying the following ground rules:

1. If you have said one of the things on the list, no guilt involved. The person you said it to has forgotten it and moved on. Just file this away for future reference. I most likely, prior to being a potential adoptive parent (PAP), may have said one of these things.
2. I am just trying to raise awareness. I would much rather learn what not to say before I say it then my usual, well-I-know-not-to-say-that, way of learning.
3. Refer back to A & B

So with that said here are a couple of things that may be best left unsaid, or said with different words

• Don’t you want to have real children?

I think a better word here might be biological children. Adoptive kids are real kids.

• Can you have biological children?

This depends on the person and the relationship you have with the person you are asking. If you are not close/good friend, I would say, don’t ask.

• When people find out you are adopting they share the following: My friend, or cousin, or uncles’ nieces’ cousin adopted and then proceeds to tell the story of an awful situation and all the terrible things that happened.

Sometimes there are adoptions that go awry, but then there are also situations where it goes awry with biological children. Good news does not make the news. There are many, many more stories of adoption situations that are fine with nothing awful about them then there are of the adoption horror stories.

• How much does it cost?

Unless volunteered, I think this falls into the, you don’t ask someone how much money they make at their job category. If you really are interested you can Google it and get a good idea. I am thankful for Google I have learned a lot from it.

• Once you adopt you’ll get pregnant.

The percentage of people who adopt and then get pregnant is low. I have heard 3% and I have read 6% either way not good odds. However, being a fan of God could do anything; I have always wanted a reason to be on the Today show. Usually people end up on that show for awful things sometimes good things I would love to be on there for a good thing like this.

• You are so great to adopt.

I am a hopeful parent just like any other couple trying to have kids, I just happen to be adopting to grow my family. I am not sure that qualifies in the category of wonderful.

I discussed in a previous blog (click here) how it is hard to make lists of things you should and should not say to people. This is merely an attempt to help better prepare me and anyone else who might read this blog for any future encounters with adoptive or potential adoptive parents.