Ready Yet?

I seem to be a person who learns things the hard way. What I like to call the two by four method. What I mean by that is that much like those V-8 commercials, I have to be smacked in the head, sometimes, before I get what God may be trying to teach me.

I had one of those smack in the head moments this week as we learned about the changes in our adoptwaiting program. These are good and necessary changes. As they begin to implement these changes it makes the time line of when we will get a court date and then an embassy date a bit farther out. As with any change it takes time and there are many unknowns because it simply has not been done like this before.

I, the still in recovery control freak, was certain that if I could just learn enough about the upcoming changes that I could have a time line. Because I still believed that if I could gather enough information I could have some idea what, was happening and when. Knowing this would of course give me the control I so desperately sought.  But as I sought the answers to my questions they were met with we don’t know yet and it’s too early to tell. 

As I got the final it’s too early to tell response, it was almost as if I could hear the Lord say to me “Are you ready to trust Me, yet?” Before I even got my final it’s to early to tell I knew no one knew the answers to my questions. The question “Are you ready to trust Me yet?” rang in my mind.

In that moment, I had about a million thoughts and just as many emotions. It was then that I knew the only one I could trust was the Lord. I was embarrassed that I did it again. I tried to get the answers I sought on my own. Looking everywhere but to the Lord because I did not like His answer. His answer was, “Trust me” and I wanted to hear concrete things next month. I would have even settled for in three months. Still I was ashamed that I had to get to the place where there was no where else to turn before I was ready to say “Okay Lord I trust you.”

One of the things that I love about the Lord is His grace. The Lord did not say “Are you ready to trust me, yet?” With anger, impatience, or even a why can’t you figure these things our sooner attitude. As much as I joke about learning things by the two by four method that is not how the Lord treats me. He simply asked “Are you ready to trust me and in me alone?”

I was finally able to answer his question with a “Yes!” I am growing comfortable with not knowing, the how, what, and when. That does not mean I don’t have moments of uncomfortableness, because I do.  But it is different because my hope and trust are truly in the Lord. This sets the stage for something awesome to happen. I know, that I know, that I know God can do this. He will bring us through this.

Expecations

Have you ever tried to not have an expectation? Saying it sounds easy right? Everyone knows that expectations that don’t get met can lead to disappointment. So it seems that there is general consensus that says be wary of setting expectations too high, or that you are uncertain of how they will be able to be met.

At the beginning of February we received an update on our younger son. It was a huge surprise and so unexpected. I did not think we would get an update so soon, as we had just been matched with the boys on January 13. Our adoption agency, Bethany Christian Services, sends updates on your children. They include pictures and summaries of all that they are doing, how they growing and how they are doing developmentally. We only got an update on our younger son in February. We found out that they do updates on children under 3 every month and children over 3 every other month. Even though, our update had been unexpected, the expectation we would get one in March for both boys began to grow.

The moment I realized I was creating an expectation I told myself that it is not a good idea to do this. The funny thing about expectations is that they are born out of hope. Hope is not bad. Where hope gets me into trouble is when it becomes an expectation. One way I look at expectations is that they are “must haves” with deadlines. Once I have a “must have” with a deadline I am in trouble. “Must haves” with deadlines, run into difficulty because that the parameters in which my “must have” can be met is often pretty narrow. And in my life when this happens that is an excellent breeding ground for disappointment to grow.

The only predictable thing about international adoptwaiting is that it is unpredictable. So I knew that just because we received our first update On February 2, in no way was a guarantee we would receive an update in March. I know of many families who have waited several months before receiving updates or who did not receive updates every month.

So as February was coming to a close the expectation that we would get an update at the beginning of March started to grow. But at the same time, I reminded myself to not expect that it would happen at the beginning of March. But then at the same time I remembered that our first update came on the 2^nd so surely our next update would come on the 2^nd as well. But at the same time I reminded myself that there were no guarantees that they would come. Then at the same time I thought I don’t want myself to not have hope. Everybody needs hope. But at the same time I thought I needed to not let my hope grow into an expectation. With all those thoughts wandering around in my head it was a wonder I could think about anything else let alone accomplish anything else!

Then today out of a nowhere we received an email from our social worker with updates on both boys! I am not going to lie it was quite unexpected; today was the only March 1. What a blessings to have pictures of both boys and glimpse into their daily lives and their personalities. I was so excited I pretty much asked okay I was told by coworkers I forced, people to look at the pictures of my boys.

The longer I continue down the adoptwaiting path the more the Lord teaches me and grows me. I have a feeling April will provide an excellent opportunity for the Lord to help me to have hope without letting it turn into expectations.

Hope Springs Eternal

I need to open with a replay of a conversation I had with our social worker earlier today.

Tracy: “I ‘m hoping we can get our dossier completed and sent to Ethiopia before the end of December.”

Social Worker: “I don’t think you’ll get your immigration form that quickly.”

Tracy: “Oh. Then at least by January?

Social worker: “Most Likely”

Soon after that phone conversation, I was speaking with a friend about the process.

Friend: “What did your social worker say about your paperwork?

”Tracy: “Well most likely that our dossier won’t get sent out in December, but, the crazy thing is even though we just got disappointing news this past weekend, I still have the hope that it can happen that our dossier will get sent in December.”

It made me think, hope is a funny a thing. I take that back, people who hope, can at times be funny. On the one hand we can believe like my friend and I, even if we have even been told it most likely won’t work out, we hope and even believe it still might. What I like to call “hope springs eternal”. Yet when there are situations where people are telling us to not give up hope and it will work out, we lack hope and don’t believe. What gives?

It’s a curious thing hope and belief. I wonder, I mean I really, wonder what makes us choose “hope springs eternal” when there is no reason to hope? Why do we lose hope, when there is reason to hope? For example, my dear friend Abraham, in Romans 4: 18 “Against all hope in hope Abraham believed…” So with no reason to hope, I suppose other than God said, Abraham had hope. Yet, at the same time Abraham displayed having no hope with the whole Ishmael fiasco. Clearly, Abraham should have had hope after all God had promised him. Where did that hope go?

Could it be that he had hope then lost hope because he got discouraged? Maybe he had hope because he was in a hopeless situation. Okay so wait a minute, what if that’s it? We are in what appears to be a hopeless situation that we want to be different. We choose hope. When we are in a situation and it has not worked out as we had hoped, we lose hope.

What?! That makes no sense. We choose hope in a hopeless situation and we lose hope when we are in the same hopeless situation. Why can’t I continue to have the same hope I did in the beginning? The situation is not different. I hoped and believed once before.

The culprit is discouragement. It snatches the energy from everything it comes in contact with. I came into contact with it this past weekend, when we did not get news that we hoped to get.

Discouragement can be a normal response to a situation that has not worked out the way you had been hoping. The trouble with discouragement is when it over stays it’s welcome and hinders our hope. When discouragement is about to over stay it’s welcome, for me that’s when the truth of God’s word can help show discouragement the door, so to speak.

JJ Heller’s song “Your Hands” has served to remind me of the truth that when I am at my lowest point that I am never out of God’s hands.(Click song title to see her perform this song live on KLOVE)

No One Told Me There Was Going to be a Pop Quiz

I had a math teacher in high school who would give pop quizzes. He made them super easy; I think it was his way of keeping people from skipping class. He would have questions like “How many cans are in a 6 pack?” and “What color is a polar bear?” How can you not be prepared for a pop quiz like that? I had a pop quiz in one of my core waiting classes that is required for me to get my degree in waiting and I think I failed. I mean practically bombed it, really.

Jeff and I are working on dossier and we have submitted our application into the U.S Citizen and Immigration Services Office. We were waiting for our social worker to get back to us with some news about this. We were told that we should be able to get an answer the first part of this week. That made the wait last week and over the weekend no problem. The end was in sight so to speak because both Jeff and I thought that would be today, Monday. All day we waited and no news. The later in the afternoon it got the more discouraged and negative I got. To compound my negativity, our social worker is out of the office the rest of the week for Thanksgiving. So I concluded that we wouldn’t get news until next week.

Then the quiz happened, someone asked if we heard anything to which I replied “No and we probably won’t hear anything until next week now” I realized as I answered that I was in the midst of a quiz. I was not doing well but, I had an ever so slim chance that I could maybe get a passing grade. When they then said, “That sounds negative, are you being negative?” I of course answered, “Yes” The words no more left my mouth and I knew I just failed my pop quiz.

So much for, against all hope in hope Tracy believed. To add insult to injury so to speak, I think I had a clue that I might be coming upon a pop quiz today. Because, in my quite time this morning I read a devotion that started with: “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” Matthew 9:28. It then went on to say God deals with impossibilities. I was encouraged as I read that and I thought how fitting. I am reminded time and time again that we cannot do this adoption process on our own. There are so many details that without the Lord’s help and guidance I am unsure how they would all come together.When a teacher says there may be a pop quiz, one can pretty much bet there will be a pop quiz. When you are challenged to think, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” It’s a pretty safe assume that you might get a pop quiz.

I do believe that God can do this. The struggle is to let go of my timetable. It is also a struggle to let go of the details. I know God will get us the answer, whether it is the one we want well, that remains to be seen. I also know that we will adopt. The struggle for me is, will all the details work out? I struggle worrying what if we adopt the wrong kids, clearly, I have no idea how that is possible but I at times feel that way. I sometimes worry that all my fears will happen and then, what will do? I can see that I have some more studying to do for future pop quizzes. But, I am reminded that Abraham did not start out at Romans 4:18 “Against all hope in hope Abraham believed” It was process but he got there. I am in process also and like Abraham with the Lord, I know that I will get there as well.

George Mueller a great man of faith wrote the following and I found it encouraging. I will leave you with his words in hopes that they encourage you as you prepare for your next pop quiz. ”Remember, the very time for faith to work is when our sight begins to fail. And the greater the difficulties, the easier it is for faith to work, for as long as we can see certain solutions to our problems, we will not have faith. Faith never works as easily as when our natural prospects fail.”

Just Keep Swimming

I think that there are many life skills that you can learn from the movie Finding Nemo. One of my favorite lines from the movie is the one where Dory is trying to encourage Nemo by saying, “Just keep swimming” It’s a phrase that can apply to many life situations and certainly summarizes how I feel right now.

Nothing in my circumstances with our adoption had changed. No background check means no moving forward. I am not happy with nor do I like this particular circumstance. But I can say two things that have changed in the past week. First, is that I continue to learn new things as we wait. Second, is out of nowhere my hope has been renewed.

I was doing what Dory from Nemo suggested but instead of swimming I “Just kept walking”. Picture a long winding road with tall trees and lots of growth all around it. The kind of road you can only see where you are and you have no idea where the end of this road is. If you are in the middle of that road, no matter how much you want to be done, or no matter how tired you think you are, when you wake up in the morning you have to start where you last left off which, is in the middle of the road. So there is a choice to be made you can stand there and complain, or you can “Just keep walking”.

It was funny, just yesterday I realized that I felt more hopeful than I have in a little while. I think hope can be like that. One day you realize, I don’t feel as hopeless as I did before. I started to think what changed? What did I do? Then I realized I didn’t do anything. I wish I could tell you the 5-step process to my new hopeful state, but I can’t explain it. I think the best explanation is God did it.

In the book Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman I was reminded how God sometimes calls us to do Hard. But He does not just call us He equips, prepares, and walks with us as we do hard. God brought to my mind one of the Mexico mission trips I took the youth on. Not what I think of as one of the hardest things I had to do, but nonetheless what God brought to my mind. I remembered how everyday I had to back the 15-passenger van up out of its narrow parking spot. I don’t do reverse. I wish there was a way to communicate to you how much I avoid reversing let alone, doing it in another country, in a 15-passenger van full of students. Every one of my students knew that. Everyday the most stressful part of the day was backing up that darn van. But God got me through it. We did it.

It was in reading how God met the Chapman’s as they walked through one of the hardest things I can think of. And how He has gotten me through many tough and sometimes hard situations, that God began to renew my hope.

I know that with God I can do this. I have the hope that we will get through this part of our adoption journey. I of course hope that the end will be soon, but if it’s not I will “Just keep swimming”.

What Not to Do While Waiting

I would love to be able to write that this part of our wait in the adoption journey is over. It’s not. I would also love to write that I have come to a total peace and acceptance of our waiting during this part of the journey. I can’t. That is not to say that I don’t have moments of peace; I do. I can see the top of the hill in the area of acceptance. I have accepted, but it is begrudgingly. I have just started to fear-wonder-think that I am a good example of what NOT to do when you are faced with waiting on God.

I began to ponder what does it look like to wait well? I am not sure we have a lot of examples. I mean Abraham and Sarah waited for 25 years for their promised son. Ishmael was born because Sarah had Abraham sleep with her maidservant. That doesn’t sound like waiting well. Then Sarah laughed when the Lord said that they would have a son. I’m not sure that sounds like waiting well. Then, I thought of Elisabeth Elliot who has had an extraordinary life and in her book Passion and Purity writes about her life and waiting to marry Jim Elliot. It has been a along time since I have read that book but I think her whole point in her writing the book was as an encouragement or example to wait well.

Now I am certain they’re other examples but thus far I am not sure I want to go the road of Abraham. And clearly, I am not waiting well so following in Elisabeth footsteps is out. Now what?

I vacillate somewhere between resting in the fact that God is God, it’s all under His control, in His time and acting like there is no hope, checking my email every .5 second to see if there is an email with news. When people ask about it I am unsure how to answer. If I say not well and I am discouraged, I often get versions of the following responses “It will all be worth it”, “It’s in God’s time” “Let go and let God”. All true. All good responses but, as I said in an earlier post, (click here to read) truth while true is not always comforting. But at the same time it’s hard because I don’t want people to feel like they can’t talk as I also mused in an earlier post (click here to read). So then I sometimes pretend it’s fine, or I am not bothered, or I evade the question.

It is an interesting place to be. With everything in me I want people to see Jesus in me. I pray that when people look into my life that there are more moments that bring God Glory than not. But here I am, and if I am going to be truthful, I am not sure that I am waiting well. I think I have more moments that I am discouraged, anxious, and trying to control God with my actions than not.

But the crazy thing is at the same time, I have this belief I believe God. I know He can do what He says He can do. I can do all things through Him. His Word is alive and active in me. God does answer prayer. No and wait ARE answers. Just because the answer is not yes does not mean He loves me less or that my life is less blessed than someone else’s. Even when I can’t see it God IS at work. He is the all powerful, everlasting God, the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and the Omega. God does not base the answers to my prayers on how well I behave, I can’t control God with what I do or don’t do. God loves me more than I can comprehend. He is always with me and He will never leave me or forsake me. His power is made perfect in my weakness. I know that no matter what God is not out to harm me. It’s these truths that inspire me to keep on keeping on in my journey with Him even if it never goes my way.

Right now it’s true I think I have a better way. But as a friend reminded with this quote by J. Vernon McGee "This is God's universe and God does things his way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe." I may want God to do it MY way but I think more often than not, the only way his to surrender to His way. Unless, does anyone know how you go about getting a universe?