I have heard the phrase "Adoption is not for the weak heart". I am pretty convinced that most people would more than likely not think of themselves as weak of heart. I know I certainly didn't. I am beginning to reconsider...............
My social worker called me last week she asked, "Can you talk?" I said "Yes" She said "In Private" Instantly my heart fell into my stomach and I though for certain I was going to throw up right then and there. I went downstairs and sat on the stairs as she proceeded to tell me about a medical report about our older son. At first I thought, "Okay I will call the Dr. and I'll be fine" The moment I spoke with the mean receptionist, I choked up. That’s when I realized I needed an exit plan. Clearly, I could not go back to my office. I needed to leave, and I needed to leave immediately. But my purse was upstairs in my cubical. Of course so were my car keys. I thought maybe I could call someone and they could bring me my purse. I could not remember phone numbers and the numbers I could remember I did not think subjecting them to tears was one of my better ideas. I went back to my office. I immediately found my supervisor and told her that I had to leave.
I went home and Googled. Clearly, that was not a good idea. I am currently on a self imposed Google hiatus. We are praying that the boys will be home sooner rather than later. So that we can figure out and deal with the concerns that were presented to us, and that we won't really know for certain what it all means until the boys are here.
For some reason this news coupled with anything adoption related, including our up coming court trip causes me stress. Much like my last post I would be hard pressed to find things that don't cause me stress. I was sharing this with a friend on the phone last night when my loving husband told me to not be stressed, and trust the Lord. Now I risk offending people and or possible causing others to question where I might be in my relationship with the Lord, yet others are shrugging their shoulders wondering why I would even bother to digress nonetheless the truth is I responded to my loving husband who was attempting to push my buttons with telling my friend on the phone how close my husband was to getting gestured. That is when it was confirmed yep, I have reached maximum overload.
I am not sure how it happened, how I got to this place. I had someone say to me that God is control and to trust Him. The smart alec in me wanted to reply " I am so glad you said THAT. That idea NEVER occurred to me." Now I am not diminishing that what they said is true. I am also not diminishing that they were trying to be encouraging. But, as I have posted before truth no matter how true is not always comforting. Also when people say that I somehow believe or think and sometimes it even feels like the person who said that thinks that I am suppose to now instantly not feel the way I have been feeling. While my brain knows what is being said is true, I still feel stressed. It is the questions of what to do with the feelings. I feel guilty for feeling stressed and I get stressed about being stressed. I recognize the craziness in that statement. I have said more than once that adoption is making me crazy. We are now beginning to see the crazy take effect.
I wish that I could talk with Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, Esther and many of the other bible heroes who faced stressful, amazingly difficult and trying situations. I wish that their feelings of fear, worry or whatever had been talked about more. But as I wished this I began to wonder maybe they are not mentioned because in the end these people did not let their feelings get the best of them and they walked the road set before them. So then I thought, maybe in spite of my feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I am moving forward and maybe that is what matters.
Just this morning as I was rambling on about my stress and what I should be doing, I am thankful for my husband's reminder of Grace. How I need to have grace with myself. This I know to be true. I wish both of these things were not easier said then done.
