Nobody Wants to Put Their Foot In Their Mouth

The adoption process has stretched and grown me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. As a self-confessed person who frequently just opens her mouth to change feet, the adoption process has been a surprising teacher regarding my sensitivity about what I say to others. That is one of the reasons I blog, to share some of things I have learned or am in process of learning, because many of the things I have learned can be applied to many different life situations. Today, my focus is on sharing what things may not be the best choice of words to say to an adoptive or in my case potential adoptive parent (AP or PAP). Now I must preface this, by laying the following ground rules:

1. If you have said one of the things on the list, no guilt involved. The person you said it to has forgotten it and moved on. Just file this away for future reference. I most likely, prior to being a potential adoptive parent (PAP), may have said one of these things.
2. I am just trying to raise awareness. I would much rather learn what not to say before I say it then my usual, well-I-know-not-to-say-that, way of learning.
3. Refer back to A & B

So with that said here are a couple of things that may be best left unsaid, or said with different words

• Don’t you want to have real children?

I think a better word here might be biological children. Adoptive kids are real kids.

• Can you have biological children?

This depends on the person and the relationship you have with the person you are asking. If you are not close/good friend, I would say, don’t ask.

• When people find out you are adopting they share the following: My friend, or cousin, or uncles’ nieces’ cousin adopted and then proceeds to tell the story of an awful situation and all the terrible things that happened.

Sometimes there are adoptions that go awry, but then there are also situations where it goes awry with biological children. Good news does not make the news. There are many, many more stories of adoption situations that are fine with nothing awful about them then there are of the adoption horror stories.

• How much does it cost?

Unless volunteered, I think this falls into the, you don’t ask someone how much money they make at their job category. If you really are interested you can Google it and get a good idea. I am thankful for Google I have learned a lot from it.

• Once you adopt you’ll get pregnant.

The percentage of people who adopt and then get pregnant is low. I have heard 3% and I have read 6% either way not good odds. However, being a fan of God could do anything; I have always wanted a reason to be on the Today show. Usually people end up on that show for awful things sometimes good things I would love to be on there for a good thing like this.

• You are so great to adopt.

I am a hopeful parent just like any other couple trying to have kids, I just happen to be adopting to grow my family. I am not sure that qualifies in the category of wonderful.

I discussed in a previous blog (click here) how it is hard to make lists of things you should and should not say to people. This is merely an attempt to help better prepare me and anyone else who might read this blog for any future encounters with adoptive or potential adoptive parents.

To Speak Or Not To Speak

I should have seen it coming. On Saturday, I had the privilege to go and hear Beth Moore. I was excited. She introduced the topic she was going to focus on for the day. Proverbs 31:26 “She opens her mouth with wisdom and kindness is on her tongue” UM really? On her tongue is the law of a kindness? Oh dear, the Lord is doing it again. Having me run into the message of speaking kind or watching my words. Oh my, and I was praying that my focus would not be on waiting on our adoption. This not exactly what I had mind. J

All day Beth talked about kindness. Not just speaking kind but acting kind as well. While I was convicted, at the same time I was encouraged. As we left with her message fresh on my heart and mind, I committed to begin to implement these truths. Little did I know.

I arrived at church as I do most Sunday’s later than I had hoped. I went to sit down in the sanctuary prepared to worship. Then I see her. My kryptonite, if you will, when it comes to living out the law of kindness. I really don’t want to miss the sermon just because my kryptonite is there. I work to keep my focus and my eyes (literally) on the Lord and what is happening up front, not on who is around me. For most of the time I am able to shut out the fact that my kryptonite is near by. Even so, I can feel, I don’t know what to call it, something begin to rise within me.

By the end of the service this something, I think sin may be a good thing to call it, has almost consumed me. Everything in me wants to be unkind to them. I mean everything. I tell my friend next to me, who was at Beth Moore, to pray for me because everything in me wants to be unkind to this person.

The more I think about it, the more I feel I have “the right” to be unkind. I know that this feeling is a lie. After I combat that lie, another creeps in tempting me to plan my unkind words. I remember a pastor once speaking about people planning sin, and thinking, “I don’t do that.” I do believe planning the unkind, mean words to say to another qualifies as planning sin.

I had no idea that on the day after I commit to be kind there would be a test. I felt as though I have not had enough time with the material. I haven’t studied and I feel underprepared.

As those thought pass through my mind, I remember that I don’t have to do this on my own strength. I have the Lord’s strength and his secret weapon the Holy Spirit, if I choose to use them and let them be in control. The Lord does not expect me to do it on my own. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”

Even in this truth the temptation is for me to take the credit, and think “Yes, aren’t I grand I withstood the temptation using the power of God.” The truth is I was given this power to withhold my planned unkind words NOT to bring glory or attention to me, but to bring glory my God.

People who know me, know that I could not do anything like that in of my own power. So if you ever see me walk away from an opportunity to use unkind words, remember it’s not me it’s Him who is in me. Thank you Lord!