I Can See The Finish Line From Here

Sometimes in the adoptwaiting process the finish line, the moment when you can go and get your child and bring them home, seems like It.Will.Never.Come. You rush around gathering documents, going to the doctor,waiting,  notrorize documents,waiting some more,  sign documents, waiting some more, fed ex documents and for good measure you wait some more. Then there are those crazy things like documents getting lost, home studies stuck waiting for state approval, and visa websites not working things you couldn't have made up happening happen and it's not to someone else it's you. And you start to think did I mess this up? Is this really the plan? Am I doing something wrong? Yet in the midst of all moments where things are going very terribly wrong something happens that reminds you this is exactly where you need to be.

Since this was my second time in the adoptwaiting process I thought the waiting would be easier. I thought I might be better at it.  I was wrong. As this week started we were waiting for TA aka travel approval. So Monday started as any Monday does when your adoptwaiting,with the hope of news that your case is moving closer to the finish line. Soon into Monday I leanred that the computer system in China wasn't working so there would be no travel approvals. I was disappointed but there was a hint of hope because well  Tuesday is coming and there is renewed hope that today is the day you get the news that your case is moving closer to the finish line. 

Facebook is complicated. But if you are adoptwaiting and waiting for news well then Facebook is a virtual land mine waiting to happen. Because with so many adoptwaiting people gathered in one place it's bound to happen. Some people get good news, some people get not so good news but it is at least news and some people get no news. This was me on Tuesday. With every post of people getting travel approval and I wasn't hearing anything I let other news steal away my peace one post at a time. To the point where I was desperate for news of any kind. So desperate, in fact I was willing to push  and try to make it happen. That always makes me laugh when I think about it later as if I could actually make anything with my adoptwaiitng process happen.  But in the heat of the moment I was desperate. I was speaking with a friend who reminded me did I want this process to be about me or did I want show God's  faithfulness. It stopped me dead in tracks. Of course I did not want this process to be about me. I wanted it reflect God's amazing handiwork and knitting together of a story in a way that only God could accomplish, not what Tracy could accomplish. 

That Tuesday night I got a message that a family with our agency had gotten travel approval! I was happy for them. But at the same time I let it eat away at my peace and I started to worry. We had not heard anything! The minutes seemed like hours. I was certain if  we did not hear by 10 p.m. We wouldn't hear anything. Not sure why I picked 10 p.m but I did. When I thought I could not take it anymore I sent an email to see if there was any news. Nothing. I was texting with another adoptwaiting mom when she said "We got travel approval check your email" I did and there it was, an email from our agency saying we had been approved to travel to China! They did not have any dates yet but they hope to talk to us tommorrow. I got that email at 10:09 p.m. so much for my thinking news doesn't come after 10 p.m. :)

Wednesday I got the call from our agency about dates when we could travel. Originally we had been told that it looked good for us to travel and get Mabel at the end of June. Of course with adoptwaiting all plans are made in pencil cause change is inevitable. So when our agency called, they told me how Mabel's orphanage was new to international adoption and we could not get her until July 13. At first, I was discouraged because we thought we would be going in a couple of weeks. I remembered of course that it doesn't matter when we go, Mabel is coming home! 

We are so excited to see the finish line!! Mabel will be coming home! We will be getting Mabel on July 13. Our U.S. embassy appointment will be July 21. On July 24  we come home and start life as a family of 5.

We would love your prayers as we continue to prepare, and finalize the last details. We would also love your prayers for us and for Mabel as we get ready for this huge transition. There are still puzzle pieces  left if you would like to be a part helping us bring Mabel home. If you want to read more about why we are selling puzzle pieces click here. So thankful for all of you who are sharing in our journey!

More Waitng and an Opportunity

At Last I left you we knew our LOA (letter of acceptance) was coming. And arrive it did. We had to check the box that we accept Mabel or don’t accept her and list the reason why. Its surreal checking a box saying you want your child. I could not help thinking how the Lord chose me. He chose me even though I am just a hot mess. And we chose Mabel even though we don’t know all that caring for her will entail. It was a humbling moment for me to sign that paper.

We then complete more papers. Filling out forms is a hobby of mine, Not really. J We have submitted our I800 for to immigration and are awaiting their approval that we can adopt Mabel and bring her home with us to the US. So are awaiting our I800 approval so, you guessed it, we can fill out more forms and wait some more. :) Thus why I call it adoptwaiting.

As I was waiting, trying to not let the freak out thoughts take control of my mind. The Lord brought this amazing opportunity into our laps. A precious friend who is also adopting from China offered to assist families who still having fundraising left to do. Through her walk with the Lord, the Lord has shown her how trusting Him is like getting in a hot air balloon. You are leaving what you thought was solid ground to get in basket going you don’t know where but the Lord does!!! They have t-shirts for men women and kids, jewelry and onesies all reminding us of the truth that it is the Lord who lifts us up. So for the entire month of May this family will donate whatever sales we generate for the whole month of May to help us bring Mabel home!! Important things to keep in mind while doing this that 1) items must be purchased through this link see below or we won't receive credit. 2) items will not be shipped until June. So If you are able please, please check out the website and/or share the link with others. We are thankful to have others who are sharing the journey with us!! 

By the power of His Hand: Hokanson Family Fundraiser

What Does DTC Mean Anyway??

I am always amused when people compare adoption to being pregnant. Mostly because pregnancy, in general, is 9 months or so give or take a few weeks, so one has a pretty good idea when their baby will make an appearance. Adoptwaiting is not always that specific. So when asked when we bring will Mabel home I am truly making up the answer because I genuinely am not sure. I have guidelines of course but those are often similar to trying to nail jello to the wall.

I open with this because I am excited to update everyone on our progress!!! We are closer to bringing Mabel home than we were a month ago! But at the same time I am not totally certain exactly when that homecoming will be. Hard for this recovering control freak, who chooses to worry about when that homecoming will be all to often. Sadly both of which I demonstrated these past weeks as I was waiting for DTC (dossier to China) If you want to know a bit more about dossiers you can read my blog about that here. A dossier is 13 pieces of paper that are signed, notarized, authenticated and sealed all saying we are capable of parents. We had PA (preliminary approval) from China saying yes we could adopt Mabel. We had a deadline of getting our dossier to China or DTC of Feb 18. We were down to the wire. 12 of our 13 papers were in the process of getting signed, notarized, authenticated and sealed. But we needed our I800a (immigration approval) from USCIS. Our fingerprint appointment was January 16. I think estimates for getting I800a approval after fingerprinting was 4 weeks. This was putting us dangerously close to missing our Feb 18 deadline. I wish I could say that I trusted in the Lord’s timing and did not worry but saying that would be a lie. When we got our I800a approval on January 26 I was elated, thankful, and bummed that I wasted any time worrying. Our I800a was sent off to be signed, notarized, authenticated and sealed. And we waited. I am not a newbie at adoptwaiting. I thought I had grown. I have 2 living testimonies to God’s faithfulness and timing in adoptwaiting with our precious boys. Yet, I struggled to keep my focus on Him and His timing. Last Friday I was driving to work listening to some of my favorite worship tunes and crying. Crying as I listen to worship music is a frequent occurrence for me so that is nothing new. I literally sang the words “The sun rises on His time” and was praising Him for this truth. I believed it. I did. Then 10 am came with no email from my social worker on if we were DTC or not. Worry reared its ugly head and instead of choosing faith I welcomed worry in. 1230 rolls around and I am may or may not have said this must be national don’t email Tracy back day. I owned my bad attitude. I love a faithful friend who tried to say that it had not been that long since I sent the email………..I was having none of that. 230 nothing. Nada. I start thinking its 330 for my agency (they are in Alabama). Its Friday if there is no news soon there will be nothing until Monday. And to top it all off China offices close starting Feb 18 for Chinese New Year. I texted said faithful friend to get an opinion on whether or not it would be impatient to email again since I hadn’t heard anything. I pushed send and my phone rang. Literally just like that and it was my social worker. She said I know the 3 letters you have been waiting to hear DTC!! As I always do with good news I reply. “Really?” J and she said Yes!!!! We made the deadline!!!!! What I love about this story is God’s faithfulness to my worrying and trying to be in control self. Even though seconds before the phone call I am literally worrying and trying to be in control. But that is how God, is faithful even though I am unfaithful.

So the next step? More waiting. We are waiting for LID (Logged in date) I have listed the steps and guestamate of how long each step is for your reading pleasure. J

As we wait we are preparing. Completing adoption training. We are continuing to sell puzzle pieces. We are blown away by everyone’s generosity. We have been able to pay all of our required fees thus far! Travel and all the fees that go with that are up next. I am so awed at God’s faithful provision for our adoption. I know He won’t stop now. In May or beginning of June we will be having a garage sale to raise funds. So if you have items that you were going to clear out during spring-cleaning please consider donating them to our “help bring Mable home garage sale”

China adoption process:

Home study completed (3-4 months)

I-800a application submitted with finalized home study to USCIS

Immigration approval received from USCIS.

Dossier documents certified/authenticated.

Dossier sent to China (DTC)

Log-in date received (LID) from CCCWA (Approximately 3-4 weeks after DTC)

Letter of Acceptance (LOA) received from China (Approximately 3 months after LID 

I800 paperwork submitted to USCIS.

800 provisional approval received. (Approximately 3 weeks after submission)

Information for visa sent by USCIS to National Visa Center. (NVC)

Information for visa cabled to the US Embassy in GZ by the NVC. (Approximately. 2 weeks after information sent by NBC to NVC)

Article 5 letter received. (Approximately 2 weeks from cabling)

Article 5 letter couriered to the CCCWA.

Travel Approval received from CCCWA (approx. 3-4 weeks from being received by CCCWA)

Apply for Consulate Appointment

Receive Consulate Appointment (Approximately 2 business days after application)

Travel (approximately 2 weeks after receiving TA)

But Then God

I'm sure you have all heard the phrase "Rome wasn't built in a day “To me adoption or adoptwaiting, as I like to call it, is very similar. I get overwhelmed at thinking about the mounds of paper work, waiting, more papers, waiting, training, fingerprints, waiting, more paper work. Then there is cost. That can get  me really overwhelmed. That’s not quite right, let’s be honest, sometimes it makes me  downright anxious. The kind of anxious that feels like a person who follows me around. And waits for weak moments. Or the times I think I have to do it all or that I can even do it all. 

But then God. There is no other way to say it. Because He moves and does amazing wonderful things that get my focus off me and this process called adoptwaiting. And what I really love and find utterly amazing is even when I am  trying to control every aspect of our adoptwaiting and trust me I have spent way to much time trying to strategizing how I can make this happen. But then God moves and does something even though, at that moment  I am as far as I can be from trusting Him in our adoptwatiing process. And all I can sheepishly do is thank Him. 

Yet here I am standing on the edge of the cliff called control very close to jumping off. Crazy isn't it? Our last home study meeting was September 30, 2014. Our home study social worker said it would take about 2 weeks to get written and sent to our other agency so they can add any edits they want. Then it gets sent to the State of Illinois for approval. Foolishly, I believed 2 weeks. Today is November 5. To my knowledge our home study is not completed yet. Which means it hasn't been sent to our other agency. Nor has it has not been sent to the State for approval. Word on the street is the State of Illinois is behind in approving home studies. So we are easily weeks from this being done. Sigh. In the scheme of world hunger, war, sick kids,serious illness, and relationship issues I realize an undone home study is not a big deal. I also know in my head how God's timing is perfect. I really do. Trust me you don't need to send me verses on waiting or God's timing. :) I know that God is bigger than my adoptwaiting process. I know He is bigger than two agencies that have to agree and approve our home study. I know that He is bigger than the State of Illinois being behind on approving home studies. 

My head knows but then God. Today my heart is not so sure my head knows what it is talking about. :) But then my head remembered these encouraging words "For not all have faith. But the Lord is faithful. Amen to that!

The Happenings So Far

So life happend and I got a bit behind on updating my blog. Sometimes its hard to know where to start. First, I'm starting with my husbands perspective and his words on one of the things that has been happening:

There has been a bit of a delay in writing because of a divine appoinment. Learning to love these appoinments can sometimes be difficult in any season of life. When you have an adoptwaiting timeline to keep to keep too it can get tricky. Our appoinment came in the form of a precious little lady whose smile and demeanor melted all those who saw her. What a better way to get a lesson about how I am not in control. As many of you know we spent the winter and spring with a bundle of joy pitter pattering underneath our feet as we put on the foster care hat for a season. That bundle of joy was dropped back in our lives for a few weeks unexpectedly just a couple Fridays ago. We had to scramble to get diapers and baby stuff pulled together at a moments notice. The crazy thing is that we had just gotten rid of the last baby items we had the Saturday before. In hind sight It took me a couple days to readjust myself and truly take count of what an opportunity I had to love Christ through the loving of this little appointment what could be viewed as a distraction from MY plans. But was exactly where God needed us to be at that time.

Second, after much deliberation and debate in the Hokanson house we have arrived at a name for daughter. We are bing on the meaning behind the name in our house so that played a very big part on our choosing her name. When I first read the meaning I knew this was her name. That name is Mabel Grace. Mabel means loved or lovable and Grace meaning of course grace. We think it is perfect for our girl.

Third, we had our last home study visit! What does that mean you ask? Well it means that we get to wait two weeks for it to be written. Then we get to wait while both agencies agree that it says exactly what it needs to say. Then we wait for the State of Illinois to approve it. Then we can do several things. One thing is begin to apply for adoption grants. Second, begin working on our dossier. If you want to know more about that you can read here. And we get to work on our USCIS paperwork. This involves getting fingerprinted again which we are experts so that part should be easy. :) I have learned through this whole adoptwaiting process that apparently I have "bad" fingerprints. Meaning that my ridges are worn off so to speak so they are hard to get. Pray this is not the case when we have to drive to local USCIS office to get fingerprinted.

Fourth, we continue to add pieces in our puzzle. It is exciting. If you wonder what puzzle you can read about that here.

Finally, God continues to lead us in this adoptwaiting process. The way He has orchastrted each detail and provided for us were nothing short of awesome. As we were getting ready to be done with our home study, in a true adotpwaiting has made me crazy kind of way, I was fixing to have a major anxiety attack. Okay I wasn't fixing to do it I was doing it. I was working the numbers and thought I don't know how we are going to do this. And in spite of the fact that I know better, and in spite of the fact that I was not demonstrating trust in Him, God provided the exact amount needed so we can progress to next step. I just love how He does that and I know that He will keep doing that as we do what we need to, to bring Mabel home.

Putting Together a Puzzle

When we decided to do our puzzle fundraiser I did not think about what that really meant. If you have spent more than five minutes with me you know thats how I am. Quick to jump in. Then look and think HMMM how am I going to do this. So as I opened our 1000 piece puzzle i just stared at all the pieces. How are we going to start this putting this puzzle together? The answer is simple, 1 piece at a time. My wonderful husband said look for all the border pieces first. So I did. Then I had the boys double check me and look through the pieces I just looked at. They found more borders. Then the fun of trying to put together all the pieces we found. All of this so we could do what was behind all the puzzle endeavor.

Write the names of the precious peeps who bought a puzzle piece and are helping us bring home our missing piece. Every person who has shared or shares our story, is praying for us and encourages us in this adoptwating journey is precious to me and I am thankful for your help. Our story would not be complete without you! So far we have sold 95 pieces of our puzzle. It is exciting! We are awed and humbled by peoples willing to step with us in this journey. We are 95 pieces closer to brining home our missing piece. I wanted you to see our progress. The first is the side with everyones name. The second is of the picture of what the puzzle actually looks like.

If you are wondering what this whole puzzle thing is you can read the full blog here. The basics of how to become a part of our puzzle go like this

• Here's how it works: We have a 1000 piece puzzle; every piece is part of her/our story to bring her home
• Each piece is $10
• You may choose to be one piece of the puzzle or several pieces of the puzzle.
• You can click on our DONATE button which brings you Paypal or message/email/comment and to get my address so you can mail a check
• YOUR name will be written on the back of each piece you represent
• If you are willing please share our blog and link with others who might like to be piece of the puzzle.

So thankful for all you!

Jumping Through Hoops Should Be Considered Exercise

Since this is not my first adoptwaiting I was ready for the great paper chase they call a home study and submitting for LOI (AKA  letter of intent).  We needed medicals. Done. We needed to fill out finacial statements. Done. Background checks Not that easy. I thought you could call the local police and request one. I did this for our first adoption. But things had changed. 10 phone calls later; I wanted to commit a crime so I could get a my background checked. I didn't, in case your wondering.

I got our background checks back from our local county and I have a problem. You see back in 2010 I was speeding. Its true, I was. I got pulled over and much to my surprise I got a warning. No ticket. Yay. Except, I did not have my current insurance card with me in the car. I had insurance cards for the past two years for both cars but not my current card. Boo. Because of this the officer gave me a warning ticket. I had to go and show my insurance card at the station. Once I did that it would all be okay. I did just that and never thought about it again. Until I got my background check back. Our agency thought that did not look good to have this dismissed lack of insurance on there. So I needed to try to get a background check without traffic violations. I knew we would have to get fingerprinted for our home study but I needed a background check sooner than that.  So I went to get fingerprinted with a private agency. 5 days later I got exactly what I needed. The clear background check I expected the first time. When we met with our home study agency I learned I needed background checks with every state I lived in since I turned 18. Plus, they need to check the child abuse registry. Plus, I need to get a child abuse registry check from New Zealand since I lived there as well. I asked our social worker if my background would get dinged for getting checked so much. She said no. :)

I thought I was in the clear for hoop jumping for a moment. When our Lifeline social worker called me and said "Just to be on the safe side" I needed to get a psychological evaluation. What? How do you even do that? Imagine making the phone calls I made. "Hello, I am in the process of adoptwaiting and  I need to get a psychological evaluation. Do you do that?" Just saying that sounds crazy. Now I have always said adoptwaiting made me crazy. I guess now they needed proof this was true. :) I found someone who has done psychological evaluations for people who are adopting and made an appointment. I figured not passing would just mean she would not let me leave that day and that they would take me away in a white coat, right there. Thankfully, that did not happen. The best part about all of this is I am actually going to get a piece of paper that says I am "normal" and not crazy. Not everybody can say that.

Jumping though these hopes reminded me how many hoops I DONT have to jump through for so many other things in my life. It made me thankful. It also reminded me when our girl is home all this hoop jumping will make it easier to chase her around. But more importantly how it will be worth it in the end.

You have a blog?

It has been almost 3 years since I last blogged. 3 Years. What??? At times I can hardly believe it. At other times it takes my breathe away at how quickly the time has passed. I would love nothing more than to tell stories and catch you up on 3 years, but lets be honest I don't read all that and it would be about me.

On September 22, 2011 we arrived at the airport in Ethiopia and began to wait to have our luggage scanned only to have to our youngest announce that he had to "shint" which means pee in Amharic. I am sure you can imagine what non-Amharic speaking people thought "shint" sounded like and how we had numerous opportunities to hear both our boys tell us that loudly. But I digress,  after finding Jeff and our oldest son in line to check in for our flight our youngest decided it was an excellent time  to play a game of chase and he ran away from us. After successfully boarding the plane, we instructed the flight attendants that unless our hair was on fire and we were screaming help us please, you can just assume that our boys have pushed the button for you to come. And push buttons they did. In our seats, in the bathroom, and even in the car on the ride home. We arrived in the US on September 23, 2011. Then the real adventure began.

The boys were 2.5 and 6.5 when they came home. Today they are 5 and 9. A kindergartner and a third grader. Sometimes it is hard to believe they are the same boys. I can't even begun to summarize the past almost 3 years into a few short sentences. Suffice to say we have all grown, made mistakes and been stretched in amazing wonderful ways. All 4 of us have stories and scars to share about the past almost 3 years to be told another day.

So what are we doing now? Well I am glad you asked. While we were fostering(you read that right we are listened foster parents)(our experience fostering and the AWESOMELY WONDERFUL foster parents we met along the way is also part of stories for another day) so where was I?  It was in the middle of that process that we knew that we wanted to add to our family. It has always been in my heart to adopt to from China. One date night I shared this vision with Jeff and he said yes, what is the process and what do we need to do? Wow, what an answer to prayer that was! We both knew we wanted to adopt a waiting child. Truthfully, I was convinced that our 3 year old child was on a waiting list. We began researching China special needs program and agencies. I met some amazing people in the process who were a huge help to me in navigating the waters of the China special needs adoption process. And then we found our girl. She is precious! We made inquiries and discovered that we could move forward in the process to adopt her without our home study completed yet, because she is what they call special focus. Which means that we move through the adoption process a little bit backwards. So we did an abbreviated short version of a the paper chase (to read more about that click here) and submitted what they call LOI or letter of intent. We then wait for China to give us PA or preliminary approval. PA means that we are approved to adopt our girl. We have 6 months to complete our home study, immigration paper work, and get our dossier to China or DTC. Sounds easy right? :)I know better.

Because our girl is with Lifeline Children's Services and they don't have an office in Illinois that means we had to get a home study agency in Illinois. Which means we get to, key words GET TO, coordinate our adoptwaiting (my word for what adoption is a great opportunity to wait) process with not 1 but 2 agencies! I am certain that this will provide numerous opportunities to trust God, surrender to God and continue to grow in my control freak recovery program.

In short we are adoptwaiting a 5 year old girl with special needs from China. We would covet your prayers for her and for us as we walk through this process. Please also pray for the financing. We will need a huge amount of money in a very short amount time. Coming soon Team Hokanson's fundraising campaign Where 1 More = 1 Less.

The Second Phone Call We Had Been Waiting For

The phone rang. It was 7:30 in the morning on a Thursday. It was August 25, to be exact. As I was getting ready to answer the phone I thought this is it. This could be good news of our clearance or it could be bad news of more time before we can go and get our boys. The voice on the other end of the phone said, “Tracy?” “This is her was my response. My heart was in my stomach. She asked, “Have you checked your email?” I replied, “Not in the last 3 minutes.” She laughed. Then she said, “You’re cleared!!!!”  I replied, “We are?” She said, “Yes!!!” She added, “I did not expect to be making this phone call today!” I replied, “Me either”

And with that one phone call everything has changed. Now that the embassy has cleared us we have scheduled our appointment with them. This means we can travel to go and get the boys. When we come home they will be coming with us!!!!!!

We are so very excited. I miss the boys and I can’t wait to see them. To take them from the orphanage and take them home with us. We are trying to get all the last minute things that need doing done.

Three things have struck me as we move to last step in this part of our adoptwaiting journey. The first is, our roller coaster ride is not over yet. Helping two boys adjust to a new family, a new country and leaving everything they know behind. Well, that’s no small undertaking. :) There are many stories to be told of that journey.

Second, I think this means I am nearing graduation with my PhD in waiting. I sometimes wondered if this day would come. Knowing that God is faithful I knew it would. But it was always a question if I would live long enough for that to happen! It just occurred to me I think I need to have a party and celebrate this!!

The third thing is that I want to encourage all those in the adoptwaiting processes who are not done yet. I have been blessed to meet so many people in all different stages of adoptwaiting. I follow so many of your journeys and so many of you are near and dear to my heart. The thing is, is that when I was in the heat of waiting looking at a step that I have been stuck at, I am not sure I always heard or received the encouragement others shared. I thought “Easy for you to say your not waiting” So I know there is precious little I can say. But I can say this God is with you. He has not forgotten you. Even though He seems silent, He is working behind the scenes. Just because you cannot see it does not mean He is not working. I look forward to celebrating many other graduations from the Lord’s PhD in waiting!

I Don't Think I Thought It Would Happen To Me

It all started when Jeff was gone on a mission trip. I was at work. I was taking 3 – 1-hour tests and I was at my desk on one of my 15-minute breaks. I saw I had a missed call. I checked the message while simultaneously checking my email. It was our agency saying they did not have some very important paper. Being the opposite of the verse in James that says be slow to anger, slow to speak. I quickly called our agency and got voicemail. In my best-irritated, accusatory voice, I left a message implying it was them not us. I had a moment of clarity and realized that can’t be good what I just did, and I apologized at the end of my message. I then proceeded to call my husband, who was on a mission trip, in the middle of a tropical storm, and in my best irritated, possibly even accusatory voice asked if he had completed his part of getting this paper to our agency.

I proceeded to go home over lunch just to check if the important papers were there. While there I called a few friends to vent my frustration. Whew, then it hit me. My adoption agency is not the enemy. They actually WANT to help us complete our adoption. My husband is not the enemy; he is on this crazy, super stressful rollercoaster ride called adoption or adoptwaiting as I like to call it. Sometimes things just ARE, and as much as I want there to be someone to blame often there is no one person responsible.  Even though I like to attempt to through blame around to see who and what it might stick to.

Needless to say our paperwork crisis was solved and I went back to waiting just as I had been before. Or so I thought.

Because when we were waiting to hear if that our case had been submitted to the embassy. I reached a whole new level of adoptwaiting-has-made-me-crazy. We had not heard ANYTHING. I had checked my email easily a million times by this point. I thought I am going to call our agency to see if our adoption worker was in.  My reasoning was that she leaves on her voicemail if she is in or out of the office. If she is out of the office, then more than likely we wont hear anything and that knowledge would give me peace. Or so I told myself. So it has been quite some time, years, since I have called someone only to listen to their voicemail and hang up. But indeed that is what I did. She was in by the way and I was no better off than when I started. At the time I did not see how I was trying to gain control by KNOWING something or by just FINDING OUT information. I had information and I was in no more control than when I started.

Fast forward to this week. We have been waiting to hear from the embassy on our case. Again I thought I was back at where I was before, waiting.

We had not heard ANYTHING and it had been a week since we were submitted. It seemed like other people had received news in a week but we had heard nothing. I began to fret about all the reasons why we had not heard anything. Even in this crazy state I had sound mind enough to help others recognize lies they believed, but I could not see it in my own situation.

Then the pity party started. This was a force to be reckoned with and there was no stopping it now. It all culminated in my leaving for lunch with my co-workers and one of them asking if we heard anything yet. That’s when I cried.

I re-tell these events not stir anyone to feel sorry for me nor am I saying I am proud of all of my behaviors. But I truly believe that sharing in a real way, even though it reveals my flaws and imperfections is one of the best ways I know how to share about what I have learned, things that I am still learning and the things I hope to learn or maybe a better way to say it is things I hope to practice more.

If you knew me before we started this process you might be able to go into the way back machine and recall when I was not crazy. Okay how about less crazy. I think pride blinded me and it was easy to believe that I would not be like “some of those” crazy moms, who were in the middle of their adoptwaiting journey. I love that God has a sense of humor because many times that the very thing we say we don’t want to do, is the very thing we end up doing.

Pride pulls a double whammy because not only does it tell you that YOU won’t be like that but it also tells you can do this on your own. However, most journeys in life are not meant to be done alone. That is especially true for the long, difficult, and sometimes painful journeys that we may be on.

I have learned that while each stressful situation ended. I did not go back to zero; I was still at high alert. So when new stress came I had less and less to respond to them with because I was not resetting to zero. I was still stressed even though the stressor had ended.

I would like to practice extending more grace to myself. If I could deal with me they way I deal with others who are in similar circumstances I would treat me more kindly. It can be so easy to say what could have or should have been done. But as I was telling a good friend it is not always easy to see in ourselves the growth and maturity others see even when we don’t respond, as we would have hoped. I hope to practice seeing these good things in me more in the future.

Do You See That Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

Paperwork and adoptwaiting go hand and hand.

The final step is for us to get an embassy appointment in Ethiopia. At that meeting they will meet with the boys and us and grant the boys visa’s to travel to the US with us. In order to get that meeting, our agency has to submit our application, which includes all kinds of paperwork. Once the embassy receives that paperwork they review it to make certain everything is correct and there. If all the paperwork is accounted for and in order the embassy will grant us clearance to travel and we will get an appointment. If there is missing paperwork. Or errors the embassy will request new paperwork. The new paperwork is submitted. The embassy again reviews this and either grants clearance or proceeds to request further information. And so the cycle goes until everything is in order.

We found out that we were submitted to the embassy yesterday. So we are waiting and praying that everything is in order in our file and no further paperwork will be needed. But even if more paperwork is needed, we know it is for the protection of the children. So even though that does not always make the waiting any easier, we are in support of having these kinds of checks and balances.

We are thankful that we have reached this place in our adoptwaiting journey. The end is closer than it was the last time I blogged. Even if we have to wait because more documentation is needed, we are still near the end of this part of our journey. Feel free to remind me of that if I whine about having to wait longer. : )

The Race

I sometimes feel that adoptwaiting is like running a race. Right now I feel like we are in the last ¼ mile running up the last hill, just before the finish line. I can see the finish line from here. It’s close. But just like running in a race sometimes your tired, you get a cramp and you just want to stop.

But that’s crazy because you are near the end. You can’t quit now. But your body aches, more than usual. You’re out of breath. For some reason even though you have run this same distance, many times before. Today you just don’t think you can do it. I resonate with feeling like this.

Feelings are complicated. We need to be in control of our feelings not the other way around. Knowing and believing this truth does not make choosing it any easier.

I have spent much of my blog space contemplating feelings and God’s truth. That is the crazy thing about feelings they are not always theologically correct. I can know that God is control but still feel worried. This does not make these types of feelings wrong or bad.

I have spent much time mulling over the fact that someone can tell you all the kinds of truth regarding your situation. That does not always take away the feelings. They are your feelings. You need to feel them. However, feeling them, working through them and not letting them be in control of you that can be tricky. Telling your feelings the truth can be a complicated but necessary and difficult thing to do.

So even though I feel like I want to stop running, of course I am not going to quit the race. I may sit and catch my breath. Or I may even keep running. But either way I am going to keep on keeping on.

I have found a lot of encouragement from my Streams in the Desert devotional. One that I continue to take comfort in speaks to how we “don’t need to try to “be strong”, just be still and know He is God.

If you would like to read this devotion you click here. 

Secondary Waiting

The key to our passing court and having our adoption be official was receiving our MOWA letter. I am happy to report that we received this news yesterday! We have our letter and passed court on July 12!!!!

I was at work when I got the news. I was so excited I had to tell EVERYONE! Here is a replay of a conversation:

Me “We got our MOWA letter, we passed court, the boys are now officially ours!”

Coworker 1 “YAY! What’s next?”

Coworker 2 “Are you going to get the boys now?”

Me “ No not yet, we get to do more waiting!!!!”

Coworker 1 “Your good at that”

Through out this whole adoptwaiting process, as we would pass exciting milestones, I would share with people. Often we would have some version of the conversation above. People would be excited for us and would ask "What's next?" or "Can you go and get them now?" I would answer, by telling of our next steps. Steps which usually involved waiting. I could tell when I said too many steps at once when they would get a glazed look in their eyes. Not because they did not care, but because when you have not been involved in international adoption before the list of steps is long and can be confusing. I have to remind myself I am the one living, eating and breathing adoptwaiting so it makes sense to me. Sometimes.

Other times the answer to the question “What’s next?” is followed by wait some more. Thus, why I call it adoptwaiting. Complete steps 1 and 2 quickly. Wait. Complete step 3. Wait. Redo step 3. Wait, wait, move to step 4. But, wait for further instruction. The by-product of walking with others through their adoption process is that YOU wait too. You are waiting with your, friend, cousin, sister, neighbor, co-worker to move through the adoptwaiting process. Even though you are not adopting. You are adoptwaiting.

I don’t think I fully got that until I saw my coworker, who was totally excited because they thought we were done when we passed court, totally deflate when I said that we had to wait some more. I knew people were waiting with me, but  until that moment, I did not get it. I had not realized that it is just as hard to wait even when it is someone else’s wait. 

I am so incredibly thankful to every single person who is, has and will continue adoptwaiting with us. I am blessed beyond what words can express. Please know this if you are not adopting but you are adoptwaiting I am pretty sure this means you get your PhD in waiting too!!