Waiting Expectantly?

I was listening to the radio this weekend and the announcer was reading from a devotional. It was about waiting so of course my ears perked up. I can’t remember it word for word, I wish I could but the author was writing as if God was talking directly to her. He was telling her to wait on Him means to wait expectantly.

The words really struck me. What does it mean to wait expectantly? I have been pondering this for the past few days. How does one wait expectantly?

The more I thought about it the more confused I got. I mean expectantly well that is closely related, in my mind to expectations. I just wrote about expectations. Expectations can lead to trouble. I am certain the Lord does not want me to have expectations; He has seen me in action. I don’t always do so good setting realistic expectations.

So I typed in expectantly in dictionary.com and it used the word expect, and expectant in the definition. I really dislike when they use the word you are looking up in the definition. If you knew what it meant you would not be looking it up.

I decided to do a little word study from the bible. It turns out that expectantly waiting is in two verses in the NIV. Luke 13:15 and Job 29:21. Expectantly in both verses means to wait, hope, expect. I found that interesting. I then looked up verses with expect. It was interesting that many, not all, of the New Testament verses that have expect in them are referring to Jesus whether He is the expected savior or when He will come back.

Then this thought kind of hit me. We don’t know when Jesus is coming back, but we are supposed to be ready because it can be any time. We expect that He will come back. It doesn’t consume out lives. Although, maybe it is suppose to?

For me any way the thing that struck me was that they are waiting, hoping, looking for it to happen. It could happen at any moment. But their expectantly waiting has not taken over their lives.

For me I have to say waiting, has at times, not always, but much more than I would like, has consumed my thoughts. I am in no way saying my adoptwaiting is anything like waiting for the saviors return. I am saying it was challenging for me to think about. To wait with hope without losing heart what does that look like? I am unsure.

In one of my devotional books Streams in the Desert they author was comparing desperation and despair. Saying many times people have been in desperate situations. They talked of Shadrach, Meshach and Adendnego. They were in a desperate situation, about to be thrown in a furnace. In Dan 3: 17-18 they said, “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." But even if He does not…. those words may be desperate but they are not despairing.

Yet, I wonder if they might have felt a little despairing. It does not discuss their feelings. What did they do with those? I know they had to have them. I think that is the complicating thing about waiting expectantly. The feelings. My head can know the truth, but my heart is not always listening to my head. Maybe that is the difference between desperate and despairing. Having a heart that listens to your head? I think I need to ponder this a little bit longer. 

More Tales Of A Control Freak In Recovery

Being a control freak in recovery is no easy task. Life provides numerous opportunities in which I desire to take control or be in control. I have said it before and I will say it again control is just an illusion because no matter how much I think I am in control I am not. God is simply humoring me. Because no matter what: God IS always in control.

Remember, the adoption slow down that I talked about last week? We still don’t really know what this means. How will it affect Ethiopia and the many people who are in the adoption processes? It is still unclear. How long will it take for us to bring home the boys, is still unknown.

The funny thing about this is that I have had myself convinced that if I can just get answers, find out what is really happening, then I won’t be so worried because at least I will know what is going on. That’s the story I have been telling myself. Today I was waiting for information about a conference call our adoption agency was having. A friend was going to share what happened once this information was shared with her. I thought great once I know what’s happened in this conference call I will be okay and I won’t have to worry because I will know what’s going on. I got myself so convinced of this that I could not even wait for my friend to share this information I had to go and ask “Has anyone heard anything?” Of course she replied that she had not heard anything. Later in the afternoon she shared what she found out. I was truly thankful to read that information.

Then it struck me. I know more now than I did before I read it, but I still don’t know what is happening.  How will this affect the friends that I have made who are waiting to pass court or get court dates? How will affect those who are waiting for referrals? How will affect those who are waiting for embassy dates? How will it affect us being able to bring the boys home? I falsely believed that information would some how give me control. Not that I could control the situation mind you but that I would know what is happening. My faulty thinking is that if I could know what would happen then of course I am in control. 

No matter how much information I find out it still won’t be enough so that I won’t be surprised. No amount of information is going to give me control. I know this truth that I just wrote, yet this faulty thinking does not give up easily.

I am so thankful that God humors me in the many different ways I seek to gain control of my life. I am so thankful that He is in control even if that means that I am not in control and that I have no idea how it will all work out. Although I would lying if I said there are not moments I wish I could be in control of. Adoptwaiting, has provided and will continue to provide this control freak in recovery many opportunities to not be in control. The thing that is exciting about that to me is another story about what I accomplished or what I did, those are a dime a dozen. But, stories that start with you will never believe what God…..or you will never believe how God. Those stories are priceless because they are all so different because we are all so different. God rarely does the same thing twice.

So I wish I could say you won’t see me trying to gain control in some new and creative way or maybe in some old way. I am learning and growing and God isnt’ finished with me yet. But, I do look forward to being able to share sometime in the near future you’ll never believe what God did…….

I Know I Did Not Sign-Up For This......

I knew that the only thing that was predictable about international adoptwaiting was that it was unpredictable. I thought I knew what unpredictable meant. The past few weeks have educated me more than I would have liked on what unpredictable really means.

The short version is that the MOWA (Ministry of Women and Children’s and Youth Affairs) writes a letter for every adoption that takes place. The MOWA has announced that they would be going from about 50 letters a day to 5. Rather than repeat everything that has transpired. You can click here to read the news article about the adoption slowdown. You can click here to read more about the slowdown and responses to the slowdown. As you can imagine going from 50 to 5 is drastic and most likely will cause major delays. There are still a lot of unknowns and at this point not a lot of answers. This is exactly the kind of information that crazy girl LOVES to run with. She loves to focus on unknowns and conjure up more “what if’s” than I thought possible. Trust me crazy girl has had a field day with this information.

I don’t know about you, but when I am facing a lot of unknowns it can be hard to keep control of crazy girl simply because there is so much unknown.  But at this point, if I can be frank, I am over her. So rather than talk about unknowns I want to focus on the truths that I do know, that sometimes can get lost in the sea of unknowns.

I do know that God is still God and He is in control. None of this is a surprise to Him. God is faithful and He is trustworthy. He has never let go of Jeff and I during this process; He certainly is not going to leave us now. He loves Jeff, the boys and I more than I have words to explain and more than I can understand. He did not make this happen, though equally true He is allowing it to happen. He is not allowing this happen because I need to learn something. However, that does not mean that I won’t learn something trough it.  He is not in heaven saying, “Tracy needs to learn……..I will cause………..He is for us. He will get us through this. It might not be the way I prayed, the way I planned or even in the timeframe I was hoping. God is answering my prayers even if the answer is not what I want it to be.

Knowing these truths and living them out in the midst of difficulty is where the rubber meets the road. I am always surprised at how long it takes my feelings to catch up to me as I attempt to put these truths in practice. At times I feel like I am a walking contradiction because my heart can be sad and at times discouraged, and at the same time hopeful and believing God.

On Wednesday I posted one of my new favorite songs Blessings. I am posting links to two more songs that have been so encouraging to me lately. Again I pray that they would do the same for you.

Kristian Stanfill - Day After Day

Chris Tomlin – Our God

Blessings

The past several days have been a challenge for me to not let the crazy girl run free in my mind. There was an article posted about Ethiopia adoptions slowing down and being reduced by 90%. No one knows for certain if this is actually what is going to happen, or even what this may look like. As I have talked about before, crazy girl does not need much to go on so she has been having a field day with this information. She has not been in control the whole time and I have been attempting to practice self-control. We don't know what any of this means yet and how it will affect adoption in Ethiopia.


Then today as I was driving to work I was listening to the radio and a song came on the radio. I immediately resonated with the words of this song. I immediately went to the radio website (not while driving) and found the name of the song and the artist. The song is "Blessings" by Laura Story. I posted the video of her talking about the story behind the song. I also posted a link to the song. 


This song encouraged me and helped to remind me that God does not always work in the ways I think He should. That His "blessings" may look different than the world expects them to look. 


It really encouraged me and I hope that you it does the same for you.


Please join me in praying for Ethiopia and the adoption process. As well as praying for all the families who are in the process of adopting from there.
The story behind Laura Story - "Blessings"

To hear Laura's Story's song "Blessings" 
click here. 

$5.29

$5.29 does not seem like a lot of money these days. You may be able to order something at Starbucks and have change. You can get something at McDonalds. You can buy a gallon of milk and something to go with it. It seems far easier to think of things that you can’t do with $5.29. I can’t go to the movies. I can’t fill up my gas tank. I can’t order a pizza. I certainly can’t buy a plane ticket or travel anywhere on $5.29.

I have always heard the bible story about the widow who put her last coins in the offering. In fact, I have heard sermons about it encouraging us to give, not out of our abundance, but to give sacrificially. Because Jesus was not focused on how much the widow gave but how she gave compared to those around her. She gave all that she had while those around her had been giving out of their wealth.

I can think of a few times when I have witnessed sacrificial giving like that of the widow. When I was in Mexico and we were building a house for a family that never had owned a house ever, they made us lunch. I remember students who were on the trip saying how they brought more to Mexico in their suitcases than these people owned. That lunch was a sacrifice, they certainly could not afford to feed our whole group but they did. It is an experience I will never forget.

I just had another one of those moments this past weekend. Back in January we met a couple that had just completed an adoption of a 7-year-old girl from Ethiopia. This past weekend we were able to meet with them again. I was so looking forward to talking with them about their experience and glean wisdom from them. We had just arrived at their house, when their new daughter came up to me and gave me $5.29. She gave it us to help us bring our boys home. This is the second time she has ever met us. Her parents shared that she never had money of her own so was excited to perform chores to earn money. This young 7 year-old-girl gave all the money she had $5.29 to my husband and I to help bring our boys home.

I am still humbled by the experience. A 7 year-old girl out gave me. I have the money sitting on my counter even now because I do not want to spend that money on anything other than the boys. When her mom told her that my husband and I were adopting and bringing boys from Ethiopia to the US she wanted to help.

Her simple act of faith and generosity amaze me. It motivated me to want to give more generously. This experience also reminded me of the faithfulness of God. Only God could move in the heart of a 7 year-old girl to want to help other orphans. Only God could orchestrate that Jeff and I would meet her and our boys would be the orphans she would want to help. It is situations like this that challenge me, how could I not trust God? After experiencing this how can I not trust that God has our whole adoption under His control? I think the key is remembering under His control might mean, not according to my timeline, or in the way I think it should be done, but that is okay because our adoption is under His control.

Expecations

Have you ever tried to not have an expectation? Saying it sounds easy right? Everyone knows that expectations that don’t get met can lead to disappointment. So it seems that there is general consensus that says be wary of setting expectations too high, or that you are uncertain of how they will be able to be met.

At the beginning of February we received an update on our younger son. It was a huge surprise and so unexpected. I did not think we would get an update so soon, as we had just been matched with the boys on January 13. Our adoption agency, Bethany Christian Services, sends updates on your children. They include pictures and summaries of all that they are doing, how they growing and how they are doing developmentally. We only got an update on our younger son in February. We found out that they do updates on children under 3 every month and children over 3 every other month. Even though, our update had been unexpected, the expectation we would get one in March for both boys began to grow.

The moment I realized I was creating an expectation I told myself that it is not a good idea to do this. The funny thing about expectations is that they are born out of hope. Hope is not bad. Where hope gets me into trouble is when it becomes an expectation. One way I look at expectations is that they are “must haves” with deadlines. Once I have a “must have” with a deadline I am in trouble. “Must haves” with deadlines, run into difficulty because that the parameters in which my “must have” can be met is often pretty narrow. And in my life when this happens that is an excellent breeding ground for disappointment to grow.

The only predictable thing about international adoptwaiting is that it is unpredictable. So I knew that just because we received our first update On February 2, in no way was a guarantee we would receive an update in March. I know of many families who have waited several months before receiving updates or who did not receive updates every month.

So as February was coming to a close the expectation that we would get an update at the beginning of March started to grow. But at the same time, I reminded myself to not expect that it would happen at the beginning of March. But then at the same time I remembered that our first update came on the 2^nd so surely our next update would come on the 2^nd as well. But at the same time I reminded myself that there were no guarantees that they would come. Then at the same time I thought I don’t want myself to not have hope. Everybody needs hope. But at the same time I thought I needed to not let my hope grow into an expectation. With all those thoughts wandering around in my head it was a wonder I could think about anything else let alone accomplish anything else!

Then today out of a nowhere we received an email from our social worker with updates on both boys! I am not going to lie it was quite unexpected; today was the only March 1. What a blessings to have pictures of both boys and glimpse into their daily lives and their personalities. I was so excited I pretty much asked okay I was told by coworkers I forced, people to look at the pictures of my boys.

The longer I continue down the adoptwaiting path the more the Lord teaches me and grows me. I have a feeling April will provide an excellent opportunity for the Lord to help me to have hope without letting it turn into expectations.

The Girl Is Back In Town

I knew adoptwaiting(my affectionate term for what adoption really is: hurry up, okay wait, wait, wait, hurry up, wait, wait some more, you get the picture) would be a challenge, and that it would stretch and grow me, I never thought it would help build my character.

Let me explain. After my encounter with the crazy train situation I began to see how adoptwaiting was going to provide me, at no extra charge, an opportunity to grow in the area of self-control. I am not going to lie I never saw THAT coming.

The further we get in to this process the more I am reminded that it’s almost like there are two of me. There is the somewhat rational, trying to practice waiting on the Lord, trying to accept and figure out what it means to live out the Lord’s peace, who is growing everyday in her ability to trust the Lord more girl. Then there is this crazy girl who can stir up worry in moments notice usually without any facts, who regularly try’s all sorts of ways to figure out how she can gain control over her life situations, who gets so excited because she thinks she sees what the Lord is doing in certain situations that she will just try to ‘help Him out’ which often leads her to running ahead of the Lord girl. I thought this girl had moved. Unfortunately, with the whole adoptwaiting situation she has moved back in town. Because crazy girl is back in town the need to practice and consequently grow in the area of self-control is a number one priority.

This crazy girl is smart. She says rational things that sound like a good idea. I mean if she didn’t who would listen to her?

She tempts me to worry about the timing of when the boys are going to come to their new home. She tempts me worry if we will be able to parent the boys the way they need. She tempts me try to find ways that I can be in control of our adoptwaiting process.

What I am beginning to realize is that what makes choosing to exercise self control so difficult is that I have to surrender my will and the way I want it to happen to the Lords perfect timing and plan. I know it sounds crazy and I am no expert that is for certain. But I think that worry gets its power in fear. At least this is what I am discovering for me. I am worried we won’t get a court date before the courts close in August and September. Because I am genuinely concerned that won’t happen there is fear there. That fear is breeding ground for worry. Crazy girl uses this to her advantage at times. But, if I am able via being empowered by the Holy Spirit, to surrender my timeline and my will to His timeline then there is little place for worry to grow.

I am also beginning to realize/learn/think that surrender is not a one-time event you show up for it is a process. I somehow use to think surrender was a one and done kind of thing. Clearly, that was a crazy girl idea. I can genuinely, surrender today and need to do it again tomorrow and that does not mean I did not surrender. I think living surrendered to the Lord and His plans take practice. I think that I can surrender today what I know today, so when tomorrow comes there may be new aspects that I need to surrender. Keep in mind when I talk about surrendering I do not mean anyone can do this in of our own power we need the Lord’s help with such a task.

I am sure you are wondering where self-control comes in to play. I see self-control as choosing to do what we know we need to do. Put another way it is like our “want to”. If I don’t “want to” do something then I most likely am not going to do it. Adoptwaiting has helped me to see that my “want to” is broken, because I don’t “want to” surrender my will or my timeline to the Lords will and timline. Quite frankly, I often have to pray, “Lord help me to “want to” surrender my will. Meaning that I would like to think about “wanting to” do it. Not actually doing it but that I would entertain doing it. Sometimes that is where I have to start.

So when crazy girl try’s to well talk crazy pray with and for me that my “want to” will no longer be broken.