Stop This Train I Want to Get Off

Adoption or adoptwaiting as I like to refer to it, can be difficult for even the most patient of people. It has certainly been for this patient challenged girl. But, lately for some inexplicable reason I have been rather hopeful, and I my opinion, about two doors down from patience. My only explanation for this phenomenon is God. Because anyone who knows me well, knows that I may drive by the neighborhood of patience without entering, but to be two doors down, that is God’s handiwork for certain.

Then seemingly out of nowhere came this gnawing thought. This thought started with “What If? It ended with things like: our whole adoption falling part, Ethiopia closing and stopping adoptions, the boys getting very sick. You get the picture. Any time I get a thought that starts with “What If” I know that I need to run not walk away, because thoughts that start with “What If” lead to nowhere but the crazy train. This thought kept coming up using different disguises but I could see it was the same thought so I was not giving it the time of day, until today.

I can’t exactly pinpoint how the door to this thought got open. All I know is one minute I am fine and the next minute, I am on the crazy train. Convinced that everything was just moments from falling apart. Not only was I convinced that everything related to our adoption was falling apart, but for good measure and at no extra charge I through in thoughts that questioned my skills and abilities. There is no telling where a train going 100 miles an hour like that will go next.

Since this is not my first ride on the crazy train, I quickly recognized that I needed an intervention. I am so thankful that God had put people in my life who tell me the truth. Even though it can be hard to hear at times, truth leads to freedom. I shared the thoughts that were swirling around in my head and even as I said them I realized how crazy they sounded. Talking it through helped me to realize that I needed to back this train up and stop.

My friend reminded me that God did not bring me this far just to leave me here. I told my friend, I know that she is right. I, also, told her I know that God is going to work it out, but as I have mused before in other posts, I am not sure He is going to work it out they way I would like to see it worked out. Ah yes, my ex-friend control trying to make a comeback. I was reminded how trusting God means surrendering my will, and the way I want it to be, to His perfect will and the way He wants it done.

My friend reminded me that that is easier said than done. She also reminded me that she recognizes how easy it is for her say because she is not in the middle of having to do this. Oddly I find that comforting. Comforting because to me that says I am not the only who struggles to do this.

So I am backing this train up and getting off. Right now this involves, reminding myself that no matter how badly I want my I-171 form, to come in tomorrows mail. If it does not come for another two weeks God is in control, He is trustworthy, He is good, He is God, and He is not going to leave me here with no way to finish what we have started.

What Are Those Stones For?

Jeff and I are a part an orphan ministry/adoption group here in town. It has been one of the HUGEST blessings to us. Yesterday, we were blessed to be able to meet a family who has recently adopted a girl from Ethiopia.

She shared about meeting their daughter’s grandmother. The grandmother talked about how she had been praying that a Christian family would adopt, her girl. The grandmother kept saying over and over Praise God, and giving thanks to the Lord. This couple was moved to tears. She said she almost did not have words to share how deeply impacting that meeting was. She was challenged to think why would I not trust the Lord. Here is seemingly, by the world standards, an unimportant woman unable to care for her granddaughter who was praying. This couple had been praying because they were burdened to help orphans. Then they were matched with this girl. They traveled half way around the world to Ethiopia bring this girl home. They would be her forever family.

After meeting their daughter’s grandma and hearing her praising God for answering her prayer. She said why would she not trust the Lord. The Lord had orchestrated this whole adoption process to where this grandmother’s prayer was answered by them. This family did not do anything except answer God’s call on their hearts to care for an orphan. This family was just awed. She kept saying how could she not trust the Lord, after seeing how He did all of this.

Their story really struck me. When we got matched with our boys, they were the ages that I had been praying for. I had always said that we hoped for children around 4-6 and under 2 if possible. I saw it as such an answer to prayer when we were matched with boys aged 5.5 and 1 year 8 months. Don't get me wrong I would have been fine with different ages. But it amazes me that God cares about such details as the age of the children we prayed for.

In Joshua 4 when the Israelites crossed the Jordan River God told them to pile twelve stones in the middle of the Jordan. Whenever anyone asked about the stones it would serve as a reminder of how the Jordan was cut off and stopped flowing and the Israelites were able to cross the flooded river with the arc of the covenant. What a reminder of how God had done something extraordinary.

I want to make this answer to prayer one of my pile of stones so to speak. The ages of our boys being what I prayed for is such a God moment that I want to cement it in my mind. Even though I was not there, I feel like hearing the story of this newly adoptive family meeting their daughters grandmother was like I walked by their pile of stones and said what are these stones for? Then they told me their story. Even though I was not there, hearing their story be recounted filled me with hope.

I want these and many other stories to be my mental pile of stones, so to speak. So when I doubt, I can look back and remember; of course God is trustworthy. Of course He loves me; He loves Jeff; He loves our boys more than we ever could. We can look at our pile of stones and remember how can we not trust the Lord?!

It's Five Minutes Later Than it Was Five Minutes Ago.

Remember the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes? One of my favorites was set in August and Hobbes is watching Calvin running around franticly. While Calvin is running around he is talking to himself. Saying things like August? Where did June and July go? Summer is almost over! I must have more fun! Play outside more! Argh…. it’s five minutes later than it was five minutes ago! As crazy as it sounds I have to say I feel a little bit like Calvin.

Jeff and I are looking forward to parenthood and want nothing more than to begin that part of our journey. However, there is a Calvin part of me running around worried. Worried that I have not read enough books on parenting. Worried that we should know more. Worried that I did not cherish the time we have had without kids enough. Which then fuels my Calvin brain to worry that we did not do all the things we were suppose to do. I am not even sure what those things are but the Calvin part of me wants to make sure there is a part of my brain that is dedicating to worrying about it. Clearly, only a type A perfectionist would want to make sure no thought was left unworried over. : )

I have mused a lot about waiting in many of my previous posts, just click on waiting to see all of them. I think what got the Calvin part of me worrying is the fear that I have not waited well. Not that my waiting is over, by any stretch of the imagination. But a part of my waiting journey is over and it brought about a reality a check. As I have said before waiting is a gift. I know that sounds crazy because while we are waiting all we want, is to be done with the waiting. We want what we are waiting for and we don’t want to have to wait anymore.

However, I have been reminded that the time while we are waiting is something that we can never get back and there are no do over’s. That time, is one of the gifts of waiting.

So as I move forward to the next part of my wait, in what I affectionately call my adoptwaiting. I am reminded that I want to wait well. I want to try, the key word being try, to view the time I have been given to wait not as an enemy of something I just need to get through, but as a gift of something to be enjoyed because once it’s gone I can’t get back.

The Call That We Had Been Waiting For

I am not going to lie, when I answered my cell phone and it was our adoption worker on the phone, I thought she was calling to give bad news. I thought she is trying to soften the blow and that is why she is calling. It never occurred to me that she would share news that would change our lives. Literally.

Since we started our adoption journey, what I like to call adoptwaiting, we really felt led to pursue international adoption. We have gone from international adoption to domestic adoption and back to international adoption again (click here to read that post.)

Adopting siblings, brothers or sisters or brother and a sister, is something that we have always hoped to be able to do. Because of that we were open to and assumed that adopting siblings meant that we would be adopting children who were older, most likely over the age of 3. Because there are sometimes less people waiting for older children, children who become available who fall in this category are put on our agency waiting children list, which is not open for public viewing. I became a stalker of this list.

I received our adoption agency’s waiting children email and our adoption worker asked if we would be interested in the sibling group on there. I shared the information with Jeff and we decided to move forward. We told her we were interested and would like to be considered for this group. Our agency’s international team prays when matching children. They focus not on finding families, children but finding families for children. They would not be making a decision until January 12 that was little over a week.

I thought no problem with a known end date waiting to hear until January 12 would be no problem. January 12 came and went no news. I even emailed our adoption worker and did not get a response. At 5 p.m. I was a little defeated. I, ever the lamenter, went home and whined. Really??!! After all I have learned about waiting and I do this highly unattractive behavior? Yes, it’s true I did. January 13 is a new day and I am sure we will hear something today, I thought. Nothing at 9:30 am, I never knew one could check their email that much in one day as I did that day. 10:30 am, 11:30 am finally an email, our adoption worker responded to my email and she did not know anything. But at least, the answer was not no.

When my phone rang at 11:57 am, it was a 708 area code, as I said, “Hello” my brain thought our adoption agency is in a 708 area code. Our adoption worker identified herself and as I said in the beginning I thought she was calling to give bad news. But that is not the case. She said we were chosen and that we were matched with the boys! I of course, responded with “Are you serious?” She said, “Yes!” Jeff and I are/will be parents to two precious boys ages 5.5 and almost 2.

What does this mean? It means that we need our I-171 from immigration. We are praying that we can be matched with an officer at the immigration office, that they will accept my fingerprints and process our I-171 form this week. Once we have that we can get our dossier state sealed. Then our agency verifies everything is correct and it gets sent to Ethiopia. That is when our match will be an official referral. Right now it is an unofficial referral. Once they have our dossier they can begin to gather the other necessary paperwork they need to submit us to court so we can get a court date. Then we travel for court, and meet our precious boys. We come home and more paperwork is processed. We get an embassy date and that is when we go back and get the boys and bring them home forever!

As a new friend who has just returned with her children from Ethiopia said, now the waiting begins…………

Fingerprints, Forms, and Waiting, Oh My.........

Words you don’t like to hear: a Dr. saying oh no, a pilot saying we will be okay without that. Add to my list now: “There is not much there” from the lady who is fingerprinting me as she is repeatedly trying to get a fingerprint that the computer would accept. To add insult to injury she said that immigration might have to have me get my fingerprints done a second time. But she could not do it now because we have to wait and see what immigration says once they see my fingerprints.

Seemingly this is not an end of the world kind of scenario. I can see that. It does have the potential to delay our ability to get an I171 form, which we must have, in order for our dossier to be complete.

So I am a bit worried about my fingerprints when I read something that added to my worry from one of the online forums I belong too about Ethiopia adoptions. Worry does not need much of an incubation time so soon worry, became what if, what if’s became fear, fear grew into freaking out. I so dislike when I allow my mind to go there. I can tell myself the truth, that God is control. But the thoughts about my circumstances keep trying to flood my mind. It can be such a challenge to practice what 2 Corinthians 10:5 says “…..we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ”

I knew I needed reinforcements and I called in for some prayer support. I prayed seemingly non-stop. The worry and fear are still there I can feel them, but they are no longer consuming my thoughts. Right now, I am in control of them versus the other way around them controlling me. I think a better way to say it is I am giving up control and letting God be God instead of me trying to take God’s place.

“Easier said then done.” is what I told my friend on the phone today as she reminded me to trust God. She told me “I know that I am in the easier place right now, because I am not the one having to do it.” That is so true. Letting God be God and not trying to do it all on my own, or be my own savior is not always an easy task.

Today’s snafu reminded me how choosing to trust God is not a choice I make one time and I am done. It is a choice I have to make again, and again as difficult or less than ideal circumstances bombard me. Don’t get me wrong deciding to trust Christ as my savior that is a one-time decision. It is the day-to-day surrendering of my circumstances that I must choose to do over and over again.

I came across a definition of trusting God that I really like. It said, trusting God means NO MATTER WHAT believing that He can do whatever it takes to bring glory to His Name. That is what I want to do. I am choosing to believe that no matter what we will get our I171 form, even if it means that I have get my fingerprints re-done 47 times. Even if it means it take longer than I wish it would to get our I171 form. God is still God, He is trustworthy, He is in control and He is still good.

I Don't Think I Signed-Up For This................

I experienced technically difficulties while I was away for Christmas so I was unable to blog last week. With the holiday’s over now....... I’m back. I am excited that we have our fingerprinting appointment next week Jan 11. I am praying that once that is done they will be able to process our fingerprints and mail us our I-171 form 2 weeks after we get our fingerprints done.

As we continue to wait, I have been reading many different blogs about peoples adoption experiences. While reading I came across this story describing what it's like to have a child with special needs. This story really resonated with me because I think this story can be about any life situation that has not panned out as originally thought. Plans like having children, marriage, illness, going to school, raising children, friendships, jobs, living situations, church membership, volunteering, the list could go on. In any one of those situations we move forward with a plan or at the minimum we have an idea of how we think “it” will work out then things happen, that thing is what I like to call life. Life happens and situations or circumstances don’t work out or we don’t end up at all where we thought or even imagined we would. I think this story really captures that feeling that many of us might go through, when things don't go as planned.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND By Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with special needs and disabilities- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this… When you are going to have a baby, whether biologically or through adoption, it’s like planning a fabulous trip- to ITALY! You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting. After months or years of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go! Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland." “Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland??? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy! All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy!” But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It’s just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while you catch your breath, you look around… and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills… and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned. “And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss. But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things… about Holland

As I read this story again it reminds me, of how many things in my life and maybe yours to, are like this story. I don’t know about you but I know there have been times in my life when I have gotten so caught up in where I wanted to be but did not end up that I missed, some of the gifts of where I was had to offer. I am reminded of how important it is to not lose sight of how special what I have or where I am is, even if it is not where I signed-up to be.

For me, sometimes that can be easier said then done. I know in my head the truth mentioned above, but choosing to live that truth out and put it in to practice that at times can be a challenge.

Life Lessons I Learned While Making Caramel

I love to bake, especially at Christmas time. So when I was invited to take part of a cookie bake I was all in. The plan was for all of us to make a different kind of cookie and then share, so we all got a good mix of cookies. I wanted to try something new so I decided to make caramels. Little did I know what I was getting into.

Since we were sharing cookies I decided to double the recipe. I wanted everyone to have many caramels to share. The directions were fairly simple stir constantly until boiling and then heat until it reaches 245 degrees on a candy thermometer. How bad could that be?

The others had moved on to frosting or making their second cookie and I was still stirring. I was beginning to regret the choice of making caramels. In fact, at one point I decided to never try to make caramels again! A solid hour and a half later I was on the verge of done!

So there I was minding my own business stirring those caramels when it hit me. There are some great life lessons to be learned from making caramel.

The first thing I realized was that sometimes there are no short cuts. Stirring those caramels to boiling and then to the proper temperature was the only way to get great tasting caramel. If I would have stopped early, the batter would have been runny and not at all a good caramel. It helped me to remember that sometimes in life no matter how much I want to find a shorter way to complete the task I have started. The only way is to see it through to the end.

The second thing was that good things are worth the wait. That particular phrase is a mixed bag for me because on the one hand being told the long wait and process towards our adoption will all be worth it, is not always comforting. On the other hand, not everything in baking or life for that matter can be obtained in a short amount of time.

The last thing I learned was that cooling and cutting the caramel into pieces was just as much a part of the processes as the cooking. At one point I thought I would be stirring all afternoon. That everyone else would finish her cookies; leave and I would still be stirring. Of course that did not happen. But, as I was in the midst of stirring and stirring and stirring some more, I forgot the best part. Cooling and cutting the caramel into pieces, which is of course the only way caramel can be eaten and enjoyed.

It is easy for me to forget that all this paper work will be done. Once that happens and it gets sent to Ethiopia, we wait for a referral. When we get a referral, we wait for a court date when we get to meet our children and legally become their parents. After that we come home and wait for an embassy appointment. When we have an embassy appointment we are then able to go back to Ethiopia and the kids will be able to become US citizens. At that time they will be able to travel home with us. All this to say, there is so much more exciting things to come in our process then waiting for papers and chasing papers. But like stirring the caramel, the task at hand becomes so tedious, so tiring, so like it is never going to end, that you can forget that it leads to something better yet to come.

All that stirring produced some good tasting caramel. If I had taken a short cut, or stopped early the caramel would have not turned out. Isn’t that just how things in life are? Just when you think you cannot possibly stir another minute. You are done. When that happens you begin to be able to enjoy the fruit of all the stirring. I look forward to when I can be done stirring.