Even The Lone Ranger Had Tonto

Our church is in the middle of a study that covers many aspects of the Christian life. We have come upon the aspect, from my perspective, of community. This is a passion of mine, as I am a firm believer of doing life with other people. Doing life with people is the process of knowing others and being known by others. Being in relationship with people who say the things that need to be said but you may not want to hear and you return the favor for them. It is people who know your faults and they love you anyway but at the same time they challenge you to grow beyond your flaws. I have really come to believe that community is one way God does some of his best work in and through me.

The sad thing to me is that doing life with others is not something our culture encourages or even creates a lot of opportunity for. In fact, I think it works against it in some ways.

Our current cultures is all about fast, and a give it to me now attitude. We have microwaves, almost every kind of instant food you can think of, drive thru’s, 24-hour pharmacies and grocery stores, instant messaging, overnight delivery, faxing and email. Don’t get me wrong I l love these things, but if I am using things designed to get it done faster why do I have so much less time?

I wonder if these things designed to save us time actually make us busier because we feel like we have saved so much time, so we can do more. I am not sure that was the goal of these so-called time saving activities. I think quite the opposite is true that we need to do less. This always-need-to-be-doing-something-because-the-more-busy-I-am-the-more-I produce-the-better-I-must-be-attitude is not so conducive to doing life with anyone.

Doing life with others when you are traveling a hundred miles an hour is difficult. I learned this the hard way, I missed a lot of my life by being so scheduled I had no time to do things that just popped up. I also missed moments. You know the moments in life that are special and usually they show up in your life unannounced and unscheduled. But being busy and scheduled it was hard to be in the moment and enjoy them, because I had to be conscience of the next thing I had to get to or get done. The thing about moments is, that once they are gone, they are gone.

I think it’s in those moments that God can do much in and through me and I do not want to miss them. I want the chance to do life with others. This was such a timely reminder to me as I just this weekend sat across the table from a dear friend and actually said, “I’m starting think I am not doing enough with my life and that I need to do more.” Even as I wrote those words I laughed out loud. What a bald-face-lie-from-the-pit-of-hell. My friend reminded me of this. She also reminded me that even so called “good things” could keep me so busy I miss the moments of my life. I was also reminded, some of the best moments I have had, in doing life with others aren’t the ones I plan or schedule. But they happen when I am not looking. I have strengthened my resolve to keep busy at bay, so I can take advantage of them when they show up.

To Speak Or Not To Speak

I should have seen it coming. On Saturday, I had the privilege to go and hear Beth Moore. I was excited. She introduced the topic she was going to focus on for the day. Proverbs 31:26 “She opens her mouth with wisdom and kindness is on her tongue” UM really? On her tongue is the law of a kindness? Oh dear, the Lord is doing it again. Having me run into the message of speaking kind or watching my words. Oh my, and I was praying that my focus would not be on waiting on our adoption. This not exactly what I had mind. J

All day Beth talked about kindness. Not just speaking kind but acting kind as well. While I was convicted, at the same time I was encouraged. As we left with her message fresh on my heart and mind, I committed to begin to implement these truths. Little did I know.

I arrived at church as I do most Sunday’s later than I had hoped. I went to sit down in the sanctuary prepared to worship. Then I see her. My kryptonite, if you will, when it comes to living out the law of kindness. I really don’t want to miss the sermon just because my kryptonite is there. I work to keep my focus and my eyes (literally) on the Lord and what is happening up front, not on who is around me. For most of the time I am able to shut out the fact that my kryptonite is near by. Even so, I can feel, I don’t know what to call it, something begin to rise within me.

By the end of the service this something, I think sin may be a good thing to call it, has almost consumed me. Everything in me wants to be unkind to them. I mean everything. I tell my friend next to me, who was at Beth Moore, to pray for me because everything in me wants to be unkind to this person.

The more I think about it, the more I feel I have “the right” to be unkind. I know that this feeling is a lie. After I combat that lie, another creeps in tempting me to plan my unkind words. I remember a pastor once speaking about people planning sin, and thinking, “I don’t do that.” I do believe planning the unkind, mean words to say to another qualifies as planning sin.

I had no idea that on the day after I commit to be kind there would be a test. I felt as though I have not had enough time with the material. I haven’t studied and I feel underprepared.

As those thought pass through my mind, I remember that I don’t have to do this on my own strength. I have the Lord’s strength and his secret weapon the Holy Spirit, if I choose to use them and let them be in control. The Lord does not expect me to do it on my own. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”

Even in this truth the temptation is for me to take the credit, and think “Yes, aren’t I grand I withstood the temptation using the power of God.” The truth is I was given this power to withhold my planned unkind words NOT to bring glory or attention to me, but to bring glory my God.

People who know me, know that I could not do anything like that in of my own power. So if you ever see me walk away from an opportunity to use unkind words, remember it’s not me it’s Him who is in me. Thank you Lord!

If You Don't Have Something Nice to Say.......

Words are a funny business aren’t they? I couldn’t agree more with James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.” My mouth or tongue, as James is referring to, is guilty as charged. It has led unabashedly in verbalizing things that are better left unsaid. At the same time it has spoken words of hope and healing. It’s a crazy thing words.

I say this because right now I am pondering being on the wrong end of receiving words that were said with no malice yet were piercing none the less. So then in woundedness I contemplate making a list of words that are not kind to say to say to someone who is adopting. Surely, that will solve the problem my hurt heart thinks.

But then I remembered, when my mom died the same thing happened to me then. Some words were spoken that were hurtful. Should I make a list for that? Well then I thought of my friend who is single and had the same thing happen to her. Should there be a list for that? The more I think about it the more I think there are many situations where people say words that end up being hurtful. The situations could be anything, divorce, death, illness, infertility, pregnancy, job loss, children with special needs, disabilities the list could go on. It makes my mind spin. There would be so many lists, there would be little left to say. I am not certain that’s entirely the answer.

So then I started to think maybe it’s just me I am being over sensitive. No doubt that there are situations where I need to let words roll off my back like water off a duck. But at the same time I am not exactly certain that is entirely the answer either.

Maybe it’s a combination of things. Do a little more of what our mothers said “If you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all.” Get a bit thicker skin. Believe the best in what people are trying to say, although this can be hard as even the best-intentioned words can be hurtful. Think before speaking. Remembering not everyone has had the same experiences as me. So before speaking, asking the question “Would someone who had a different experience find these words helpful or hurtful?” Say less. For a person who uses 20 words when 10 would have been just fine saying less can be a novel idea. I think Job’s friends were on it when they did not speak to him for 7 days because his grief was so great.

These can be hard things to do. The more I thought about it the more I thought holy, moly mackerel selfishness and pride can keep me from doing any of these things. Selfishness and pride say things like: what I have to say should be heard, why should I have to think before I talk I always say the right thing, people need to think more about me and what they say to me, people want to hear what I have to say, and my personal favorite I’m different.

While my pondering did not bring me to 5 easy steps on what not to say, so I could give it to everyone and therefore spare further hurt feelings to anyone. It did remind for every time I have been on the receiving end of hurtful words. I have been on the perpetrating end of saying hurtful words. That thought is highly motivating because all though I can’t stop others from saying hurtful words I can work on stopping me.

Tales of a Control Freak in Recovery

I am a recovering control freak and for me, the whole adoption processes, has been another part of my recovery processes. I say recovering control freak because being in control is something I still struggle with wanting. Which is funny because I know that control is just an illusion, that even when I think I am in control I am not really. I know that God is control and I want him to be. I believe that truth but unfortunately what I live out, well, that tells a different story. Because even though I believe the above truth in my head, this truth is making it’s way in tiny bits and very slowly to my heart. I have learned that what we live out shows what we really believe. Saying we believe something just shows that we can say it, NOT that we believe it.

The truth about who is control in my life was challenged this week when our social worker called Jeff. She told him that the main office of our adoption agency wanted us to refill out the preliminary international adoption application. She did not explain why and Jeff did not think to ask. I wanted to know why? In the absence of that knowledge my mind went haywire. What does this mean? Are we not allowed to adopt form Ethiopia? How could that be? We were originally approved to adopt from there. Will we not be allowed to pursue the sibling group we were hoping to pursue? I attempted to remember that God is control not me and this was NOTHING to get worried about.

Clearly, that lasted 2 minutes. The need to gain the upper hand and be in control was strong. For me sometimes that shows in self in my need for knowledge to know what is going on or that everything will be okay. I had to call our social worker and find out for myself what was up. I had to leave a voicemail and being the Friday before Labor Day weekend I figured my chances of her calling me back were not good. In desperation I tried to get others to assure me all would be okay. At that moment, it was not enough for me to trust that God was in control; I wanted to know that it was going to all work out.

This situation also brought to light an aspect of my struggle to let God be in control is my fear that he won’t do what I want him to. It’s not necessarily because I think I know what is best. It’s crazy isn’t? This is control mixed with a bit of fear of the unknown, and a smidgen of pride.

The beauty of God is even though I was behaving badly. He was gracious and our social worker did call me back. She answered my questions, which put my fears to rest. She also shared a bit of potential good news. It looks as though we may be able to move forward in pursuing the sibling group we were looking at. That is exciting and exactly what I was hoping to hear.

At the same time, there was a corner of my mind that had fear; wait is this really what we want to do? Isn’t funny when we get the news that things look favorable and that things may work out just the way we hoped, we think wait is this really the best? It makes me laugh out loud. What good is being in control if I am not certain that I know what is the best? Ah, and there it is I don’t know what is best. Which is always leads me to remember God does. He alone is God and I am not. This is a truth I continue to practice living not just saying.

What a Difference a Week Makes

When Jeff and I started the adoption process we started pursuing international adoption. It is something I have always wanted to do. Especially the part of adopting a sibling group i.e. sisters, brothers or brothers and sisters. They can be difficult to place and well I have always wanted to do that. Once we started the mountains of paper work, otherwise known as the adoption process, we realized that there were some barriers, which at the time did not seem that we could overcome. So we began pursuing domestic adoption.

During this part of our wait I read a lot. ….. On a side note sometimes I think it should be called adoptwaiting because so much of the process is waiting….back to my other thought reading….. I read things I liked, things I didn’t. I read things I agreed with and things I didn’t. As I have said before in another blog the waiting was a gift. I did not always, nor even now, do I always see it that way, but it was/is. I learned and grew. God did and continues to work in my life.

Then a little over a week ago as I was reading about the waiting children our adoption agency has, it’s a place I checked often just in case there might be siblings internationally we could pursue. This time when I checked there was a sibling group that we met all the qualifications of that country and might be able to pursue adopting. Jeff and I inquired about them to find out more information. Since the time Jeff and I started this adoptwaiting some key barriers to international adoption had been knocked down. In attempting to pursue this sibling group we decided that even if we could not get these sibling that maybe we could adopt other siblings. That is when international adoption made it’s way back into our adoption journey or adoptwaiting as the case may be.

Last Monday as I wrote this blog we were still pursuing domestic adoption and now here we are moving forward to adopt from Ethiopia. What a difference a week makes.

That’s the crazy thing about my journey with the Lord. I’m telling him what is going on, how I really would like to see-fill in the blank with whatever I am praying for at the time- and when I look out into the horizon I don’t see a glimmer of change. I get discouraged. Then the next day when I look there it is. It wasn’t there a moment ago and now it is. How easy it is for me to forget that just because nothing is in the horizon doesn’t mean, there isn’t something out there. I just can’t see it yet. Ah there it is again, the crux, seeing it. How easy is it to have faith in what I can see or what I know. 1 Cor 5:7 “We live by faith, not by sight.” It’s not the other way around is it? Live by sight, not faith. I sure sometime wish it was. Yet, I’m always challenged by the thought is it faith if I know what is going to happen? Better yet, is it faith if I am only trusting God to not let what I don’t want to happen, happen? HMMM…..

Encouraging Words

I know the story below was written with the journey of parenthood in mind, but I think that it can apply to almost any situation, finding the perfect job or a church, and even a good friend. It could apply to living with an illness, to raising children, to getting married or having a great marriage. I know for me this story so captures how I feel when I feel that I am in the middle of, between where I am and where I hope to be. Today is the kind of day when my heart, who feels like we will never get to the other side of our adoption journey, has trouble believing the truth that my head keeps trying to send to down. On days like this it’s the words of truth in this story that helps my heart along. Maybe it can help your heart too.

Step by Step

Visualize strolling through a peaceful forest with the Lord Jesus at your side. You are on a journey to the land where hopes and dreams are fulfilled. As the sunlight filters through the trees you think to yourself, Life couldn't be more perfect! Surely this is what the Lord meant when he said he had come to give us more abundant life! You are sharing with him your hope of becoming a mother soon and thanking him for creating you a woman and giving you the privilege of conceiving and bearing new life.

But suddenly, you begin to hear the rush of water and, as you come to a clearing in the trees, you see a wide and roaring river. Your heart stops! You need to get to the other side. That's where your hopes and dreams will become reality. You feel panic and frustration rising within you. You begin running frantically up and down the shoreline looking for a way to get across to the other side. You see your future waiting for you over there, but there's no way to reach it. You begin to call for help, hoping someone in a boat will hear you and take you across. You feel so alone. Where are your friends and family when you need them the most?

You begin to stomp your foot and beat your fists against the nearest tree. You shout, "What's happening? Five minutes ago I was so happy - now this!" You throw yourself down on the bank. You feel as though your heart has been torn out and thrown into the murky water, to be washed away downstream in the foam.

The tears continue to fall for days, weeks, years it seems. But, finally, out of total brokenness you begin to look for the friend you abandoned at first sight of that horrible river. You don't take many steps before you see him sitting there. As your eyes meet his, your very soul suddenly overflows with feelings of love, peace, and acceptance.

"I've been waiting for you," he says. "I know the way across the river. Will you trust me to deliver you safely to the other side?" Words cannot form in your mouth, so you silently slip your hand into his, assuring him that yes, you are ready.

He begins to lead you along the shoreline and it isn't long before you see a path across the water leading to the other side. Stones! A path of stepping stones! Why hadn't you seen those before? Finally, there is a bridge across the troubled waters. There, just waiting for you, are the hopes and dreams of a lifetime.

He steps out first. How comforting it is to know that he goes before you. Time passes slowly. It seems you've been stepping from stone to stone for a very long time, so you strain to see around your leader, wanting to know how much farther you have to go. In doing so, you lose your balance and slip off the rock into the churning water. He quickly turns, reaches down, and draws you out of danger. You're thankful he doesn't rebuke you for your impatience and lack of trust in his ability and promise to get you safely to the other side. He just smiles and says, "Follow me!"

As time drags on you again begin to wonder when you'll ever reach your destination. You think to yourself, If I look back to see how far we have come, maybe that will encourage me to keep the faith. So you stop and look behind you.

You can't believe your eyes! You look to the left and then to the right! There are people behind you—men and women all plodding along on paths to get to the other side. Where did they all come from?, your heart cries. Where were they when I felt so alone?

You position yourself on the stone beneath you so you can see these fellow travelers more clearly. You begin to realize that not all pathways are the same. Some paths seem shorter than others. Some are straight and others crooked. Just to your left you see a woman practically running across her stones, not taking the careful, slow steps you must take in order not to slip or fall. Why, her stones are much closer together than yours - no wonder! How unfair! She will reach the other side long before you will and you started out before she did!

You decide you must speak to the Lord about this. You carefully turn forward again and there he stands, on the stone right in front of yours - patiently waiting for you to continue your journey. You are surprised at the bitter and selfish words that flow out of your mouth but, after all, "This isn't fair!" He listens and, when you are finished, gently says, "The stones I have chosen for your brothers and sisters are not your concern. You follow me!" He stretches out his hand and once again you relinquish your hand into his care and allow him to guide you across.

It seems forever, but you finally reach the other side. As you wearily step onto the bank you look behind you. Your heart is filled with compassion for those still stepping from stone to stone. You hear the Lord say, "My child, if you could share with them how to make their journey easier, their burden lighter, what would you tell them?"

Thinking for a moment you reply, "Lord, I'd tell them that even though the stones you have chosen for them seem too many in number or too far apart for their stride, if they will only keep their hand in your hand, neither looking to the left nor to the right, but gazing steadfastly in front of them, then you will guide them safely over each stone until they reach the desires of their hearts."

-Janet Malcom

The View From The Middle

Several months ago I started to read an adoption discussion board. I was searching for others who were going through a similar experience and I thought maybe I could learn something. Well that is how it started anyway. Now it’s kind of like a train wreck, you don’t want to look but you can’t help it. I can’t seem to miss doing it. There have even been times when I have thought; “I should stop doing this” because reading it has made me more discouraged than encouraged. I have not posted anything or even joined in on the discussion. I am more of a lurker.

While I have been lurking, I have found those whom I agree with and those who I don’t. I have learned things. I been challenged but at the same time it has been well, rather discouraging. I mean there are times when I read that board and it seems as though there is no hope. There are no happy adoptions. The adoptive kids are deeply troubled, natural moms who are miserable and adoptive moms are all yucky. That’s when I think, “I should stop reading this.” But other times I think, “I should keep reading this because maybe I am missing something and this will help me.” After all, I don’t want to be an uneducated, ignorant adoptive parent. At the same time, I think I keep reading because I am looking for the hope in it all. It’s the same thing that keeps me watching a bad movie because I am certain that the movie has got to get better.

It is this very characteristic that is contributing to my current fascination with Rahab the prostitute, from the book of Joshua. I love that Rahab is not just Rahab; she has “the prostitute” attached to her name. What a thing to live with, being a prostitute. What I love most about Rahab is what happened to her later in her life. She is mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus. Matthew 1:5 says “Salmon the father of Boaz, whose mother was Rahab, Boaz the father of Obed, whose mother was Ruth, Obed the father of Jesse,” When I read that verse I realized several things.

First, “the prostitute” part of her name is not mentioned. Second, she marries and has a son. Third, her son is Boaz, who is very important in the life of Ruth. Finally, Ruth and Boaz have a son Jesse, Rahab’s great grandson, who is the father of David.

To me that is very exciting stuff, Rahab who was a prostitute, marries, that in of itself is awesome. But not only does she marry but she also has a son who turns out be a pretty awesome guy. And, she is in the family tree of Jesus to boot. To me that is the ultimate story of hope. I mean If God can do that in her life surely he can do that in anyone life’s. Well I suppose anyone who lets HIM be in charge of his or her life, i.e. letting God be in control.

This where I come back to the adoption discussion blog, if God can do all of this in the life Rahab surely He can do similar things in adoptive families. Right!?

I realize that the redemption and transformation of Rahab’s life was not easy. This is not a fairy tale. There is no telling the amount of struggle, pain, difficulties, tears, and times I’m sure that Rahab thought, “Prostitution has to be better than this.” But, at the same time there is no mention of the joy, happiness, laughter, and love either. We see her beginning and her end. The middle of the story is well; it’s kind of missing. Of course without the Lord, Rahab would have never gotten to where she ended up, but other than that fact we have little else to help us see how Rahab got to where she got. Maybe if I knew her middle there would be times when part of her transformation story would be discouraging. HMMM maybe with these discussion boards I’m just getting too much of the middle of the story. I am not always aware of the beginnings, and I have not read many endings.

I had the idea that the road to parenthood and the process of actually being a parent is not an easy road for anyone. There are bumps; bruises and trails where it seems like you are the only one. The road to parenthood through adoption and being an adoptive parent, while well traveled, is not quite as heavily populated as other roads. This does not make the road any more difficult, just unique and there may be fewer who are able to be road guides.

So I’m wondering, while I have learned a lot on the discussion boards maybe these are not the road guides for me. Maybe they have different maps and I thought since we are all somewhere in the adoption process we all had the same map. Maybe they are my guides and I am just too much in the middle of my process to see that. This will be an interesting story to see the end of.