Winter and Road Construction

Since moving to Illinois I have heard the joke about 2 seasons in Illinois, winter and road construction. It’s one thing to joke but it is an entirely a different thing when you have to live the joke of road construction out. My commute to work is 6 miles. This summer it has been road construction on both major routes. Being the time challenged person that I am, I have started to think that the best way for me to get to work is to parachute and land on the building! Since I am not sure I see the need the need to jump out of perfectly good airplane, I am not certain that I will be parachuting to work anytime soon.

Non-funny as road construction has been to me these past several weeks I had a funny experience. I was driving to work this morning on the route that has no road construction, when they started to make two lanes go into one lane. So I was being obliging and was getting into the right lane. Just as I go over to the right lane the car behind me got into the left lane. Instantly, I thought she is going to try to get in ahead of all of us who were being courteous and getting over. This is one of my pet peeves, people who ride up trying to get ahead of those of us who got over. I hate that! Right then and there my only purpose in driving was to NOT let that girl get in front of me. She sped up and I sped up. Out loud I said no, you don’t get to do that. For a second I feared she would she force her way in. But right then and there it did not matter I was NOT letting her in. I mean nothing mattered more then NOT letting her in. Sadly at the moment of truth I must admit that I called her a not so nice name, and sped up which prevented her from getting in front of me. I watched her car get behind me and funny enough I did not have the victorious feeling I thought I would.

In fact, I had quite the opposite. I wondered why I had made this thing a do or die type of situation. I wished I had just let her in. As much as I disliked, and still dislike the behavior she was exhibiting, I dislike how I responded more.

I remembered this feeling was not a unique one. There have been other times that I did not back down. Other times that my way was THE only way. Yet getting my way or forcing someone else to back down does not actually produce the end result I hoped for or even thought that I would get. Instead of feeling victorious, I feel badly, that I did not back down or had to have MY way. After such moments, I am able to see clearly, that pursuing what I was pursuing is really not worth it. That this is not the person I want to be. Sometimes I think it is not even the person I am. But, if it were not me, would I do this? If I only I could remember this feeling, so in remembering this, it would stop me from doing this again.

The temptation for me in those moments is to get down on myself when I act far differently than I hoped I would. I was reminded that I am good company as Paul writes of his experience in Romans 7: 19-21 “When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.” Ah, I am not alone. Paul goes on to say that God does not leave me here. Romans 8:1 says “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” I am all about the hope. I love the hope that in Christ, I am not condemned. I love that in Christ I have the hope that I will not always pursue MY way. A girl always has to have hope. I am so thankful that my hope is in Christ. I even have the hope that parachuting will not be the only way to get to work!

Thinking and Knowing Are Two Different Things

God teaches me in a variety of ways. One-way he teaches me is to illustrate his truth or message in my life. I remember this example vividly. I was driving, and this other driver did something completely, down right, well stupid. I of course, quick to judge, verbalized how stupid they were. Literally, not ten minutes later I committed a similar driving faux pas. I instantly recalled how I had just called the other driver stupid. I was convicted right there, I am no different then the other driver. They needed the same grace that I wanted extended to me, to them.

Another way that God teaches me is with what I like to call the two by four method. Sometimes, I can be so closed, or stubborn, that God has to keep bringing the thing he is trying to teach me up, over and over and over again. Kind of like being hit on the head with a two by four. Not that God desires, or wants to hit anyone or me over the head. However, in my life in those times when I am less then receptive to what God is trying to show me He has used this method.

As I sat listening to the sermon yesterday and the dots started to connect and all of the sudden I got it. I mean I really got it. I practically was on the verge of standing up in the middle of the sermon saying, “Got it, I heard you loud and clear Lord.” Thankfully, I restrained myself.

For a couple of weeks now, I have been hearing things about bitterness, and forgiveness. I have been resistant to this message because there are some people that a) I don’t want to forgive b) They have hurt me and are in a position to hurt me again and c) I don’t like them. Now I recognize that is not the attitude one should have or is even suppose to have. Yesterday when I was listening to the sermon and the Pastor, who was preaching on Acts 1:8 you will be my witness to the ends of the earth, said part of the going to the ends of the earth is going to those we do not like, I began to think, “Uh Oh God is trying to tell me something.” Then, the Pastor went on to challenge us to live through the power of the Holy Spirit with those we don’t like with forgiveness, joy, acceptance and gratitude. Then it went from thinking God was trying to tell me something to knowing God is trying to tell me something.

What is funny about the whole process is that while I have the big idea of what God is trying to teach me, I am uncertain as to how it will all play out or what it will look like once it is all said and done. What is funny about it is I have just come to realize that part of my struggle with this lesson is the fear of what I THINK God will do. I have been resistant because of what I THINK. Nothing has even begun to move in a direction that would lead me to conclude that God is even thinking about moving in the direction I fear He will go. Even so I am resistant to even take the first step forward because of what I fear might happen. It reminds me of the book with Grover and he doesn’t want you to turn the pages because there is a monster at the end of the book. When you get to the end of the book Grover was worried for nothing because HE was the monster at the end of the book. Grover was fearful about what he thought would happen and he almost missed having the book be read. It makes me realize I don’t want to miss the end just because I am afraid of what the end might be. Who knows? Maybe I will get to the end and like Grover, I’ll realize the thing I was afraid of was me.

Just Like Any Other Day

It was just another ordinary morning and I was trying to get ready quickly because Jeff and I had to leave shortly. I walked into my family room to put on make-up and watch the news, then I saw it. The picture on our secretary desk it was falling over. Well that’s weird, I thought. When I went to fix it I realized it was wet, and I thought how did this get wet and I realized the top to the desk was wet. It was early and I couldn’t process why everything was wet fast enough and then I saw water dripping the down the wall. I started to panic a little bit. I moved the desk away from the wall and saw that the paint that had been swelled with water all the way down to the carpet. Everything was wet, the desk, the wall, the carpet, the framed embroidery of our wedding date. UGH! Then my brain got it and I realized the roof is probably leaking.

In stressful situations my thoughts run a mile a minute. What are we going to do? How much do roofs cost? I don’t have time for this, we have to go and we can’t be late. Are we supposed to stay and figure out what is happening? We are never going to be able to sell our house. What if it keeps raining? As all of these thoughts ran through my head as I called Jeff’s name. He came, looked and confirmed the roof was leaking.

Later that afternoon, Jeff and a friend examined and assessed the roof situation; a new roof was in order. Not ever having to buy a roof, I goggled, how much does it cost to replace your roof? The numbers were not encouraging. My mind went into a mile a minute mode. How are we going to pay for this? Jeff just signed up for his seminary class how will we pay for both? What if something else happens? Will we be able to save any of the money we have to put out for all of this? What if we can’t? No one will ever buy our house and we will lose the money we put down it. It’s amazing how quickly I went from just needing a roof to being destitute and having nowhere to live in a matter of seconds all in mind.

Just after I had myself convinced that we were on the road to being destitute God reminded me of Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” That was comforting. My mind was instantly tempted to think everything would be fixed and everything would be back to the way it was.

Then I remembered that God meeting my needs doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t experience discomfort. Even though I wish it did. It does not always mean He will meet my needs in the way I think He should. Even, if I think my way is best. It also does not mean that I have to figure it all out. It would not say “My God” will meet all my needs if I was the one who had to figure it all out or if I had to have the means to meet all of my needs without worry. It does mean that I have to depend on God. It does mean that I have to trust God. Ah, there is the crux. Trusting God. I was challenged with the questions; am I trusting God if there is nothing I have to trust Him for? If I am trusting Him to not let what I am afraid of, not happen is that really trusting Him? Then it hit me, trusting God involves my giving up control, which is something I love to hold on to, to him. Well, that seems to be theme in my life doesn’t it?

Waiting is The Hardest Part.

I had no idea how much waiting my journey to parenthood would involve. Waiting for test results that would reveal that adoption was the way God was leading Jeff and I to build our family. Waiting until we could apply to adopt. Waiting to meet with our social worker for our homestudy. Waiting for our homestudy to be approved. Waiting to be matched with an expectant mom and/or waiting for placement of a child.

Through this particular season of waiting I have been reminded that even though God did not take the waiting away, the very thing I often plead with Him to do, He is faithful. It would be easy to blame God and say He wasn’t faithful. That He has forgotten me. I am confident I am not the only one to think or say such things. Heck, the bible is full of people who lost it, while they were waiting on God. Abraham and Sarah, it was 25 years before their promised son arrived. The Israelites roamed the desert for 40 years waiting to go to their promise land. Jacob worked for 7 years and 7 days to receive Rachel’s hand in marriage, and once married to her had work another 7 years. The list could go on and I haven’t even made my way out of Genesis yet.

Waiting is one of those funny things. Because all the while I am waiting I am pleading with God to end the waiting only to realize when the end of the waiting is in sight, I fear that I may have squandered the time the Lord gave me to wait. It seems crazy to say that but I remember when I was waiting for job as a youth pastor I was distraught. When will I get a job? Why am I not getting a job? What is God trying to teach me? What am I doing wrong? Does God not want me to be a youth pastor? Maybe you can relate to the fretting, frantic thoughts waiting can produce. 22 months later as I sat in the conference room of the church that was going to hire me, I remember thinking, I forgot to ENJOY my unemployment. What?! Silly as it sounds I realized that while I hated waiting, it was during that time that God afforded me opportunities that I would not be afforded once I began working. I had let some of those opportunities slip through my hands because I just wanted to be done with waiting on God.

So while I continue to wait on God for the chance to become a parent, I am reminded to enjoy my waiting. Don’t’ get me wrong that does not make it any easier to wait. I think Tom Petty was right on when he sang, “The waiting is the hardest part”. It does however; help me to see that maybe waiting is a gift from God. I have a choice, am I going to choose to enjoy the choices that God has afforded to me as I wait; or am I going to continue to only see the wait as keeping me from something. HMMM I am beginning to see a theme here because again, the choice is mine.

One of Those Moments

Today I had one of those moments; it was one of those moments that could be beginning of a bad day. It was news that an adoption option that had fallen through. When I got the email it stole the wind out of my sails.

One of my favorite songs has a line that says, “Nobody plans for the bad days.” Funny thing is that sometimes I think I do. What I mean is, that when I have moments that steals the wind out of my sails, I sometimes start a list. It goes something like: 1) Adoption option falls through. Then something else goes not as well as I hoped and I add it to the list. 1) Adoption option falls through. And 2) I am stuck in road construction. And 3) I left my coffee on the counter… You get the picture.

The Lord reminded me of a couple of truths that I was in danger of trading for a lie because of the bad news I had received. Isn’t it funny how quick we want to trade in truth for a lie? Anyway, I was reminded that I am not alone that He is right there with me. I was reminded that He is in control and his timing is perfect. I am always trying to get God to be on my timetable. I have even tried to give God a new watch. Finally, I was reminded that I have a choice. I can choose to believe the truth and not let this be the beginning of a bad day or I could opt to believe the lie and begin to make my list and “plan” for a bad day. But at the same time that does not mean I was not allowed to feel sad or even discouraged about my news.

Sometimes I think of it like this; I can let the news become the biggest picture over my fireplace. This is the kind of picture that you can see from every room and cannot help but notice when you walk in the house. It overpowers every other picture on the wall. Or I can frame the picture to be one of the many on the wall. It is there but it does not overpower the other pictures on the wall. You see it but it is not the only picture you see or even the first picture you see.

Am I the girl with the bad news or am I the girl who got some bad news. The choice is mine.

Like Everybody Else

I think I am the poster-child-been-there-done-that-bought-the-tshirt-sent-a-postcard product of my environment. Maybe environment is the wrong word. I think it may just be a by-product of living. I know that life is a never ending process of learning but in one particular department, I call it that for lack of a better name, I feel like I am just on the brink of an ah ha moment. Of course this ah ha moment is brought to me by my number one teacher, the Lord.

My lesson is about the desire I have to fit it. I sometimes refer it to as being in “the club”. I feel very confident when I say this that there are very few people who wake up and say I want to stand out and be different. Now in saying that I have two disclaimers, first, I am not talking about a lack of individuality. Second, I know that there is always someone who is going to say, “No I want to be different from everyone else.”

I can remember this feeling clearly showing itself when I was in Jr. High. buying the same clothes as my friends so I could be in the group. In high school, I wanted to be one of the popular girls. Maybe not one of THE popular girls but at least I wanted to be in one of the outer circles. I think this is the beginning stage. People say we grow out of it but I have come to think maybe not so much.

If we grow out of it I am not sure that we would try to keep up with the Jones. I don’t think that there would be such pressure to keep the lawn tidy if you have a lawn to keep tidy. I don’t think that every time Oprah mentioned anything on her show that it would be come the “in” thing. We would not have trends, fads and the like. Because really aren’t these things just a way for us to be in ‘the club’?

It’s complicated. At least I think it is. I thought I would be in ‘the club’ once I graduated from college. But I wasn’t, there were the questions: “When will you get a job?” “When will you get married?” By the grace of God, I did get a job, one I even studied for, and I got a job as a youth pastor. The questions surfaced again: “When will you get a real job?” “When will you get married?” Just when I thought I am in ‘the club’ I ventured to the next steps that were presented before me and yet I was ever so elusively, just one more step from being in ‘the club’. It’s funny the next step could be anything: education, health, family, moving, owning a house, apartment living, divorce, chronic illness, condo living, pet ownership, Christmas decorations, church membership, birthday parties the list could go on.

For me, I was certain that if I could just be married I would be a card-carrying member of 'the club'. Of course there was another step: children.

When we were ready to pursue parenthood it did not take long for us to realize that God had different way for us to build our family. Adoption. I am not going to lie, when we started on our adoption journey I was certain I could still end up in 'the club'. My thinking was that if and when God orchestrated it our adoption journey it would afford us the opportunity to be parents. Then I would have fulfilled the next requirement and I could be in ‘the club’.

This is where the ah ha moment comes in. I am beginning to think that no one is really in 'the club'. I have come to believe that we all think everyone else is in 'the club' all the while no one really is. Everyone has something that makes him or her just shy of being card-carrying member. I am just not sure we know that.

God has laid before me the path he has just for me that only I can walk; just as he has done for you. Belonging is part of the human condition I believe. I am beginning to think that God has put this desire in me not to make me feel bad because I never seem to be in 'the club' but so that I will seek him. Nothing this side of the grave will ever fill this belonging. I think it is a little piece of a longing for eternity in our hearts. While I am still here if I let him fill me, and let him define me than being in ‘the club’ does not matter. I am learning to believe him when he tells me, "You are on the right path. Your path looks different when you look at, but if you could see it through my eyes you would see that you do belong you are in 'the club'.

I Didn't Know it Would Be Like This.

It's funny, someone can you tell a fact like "Touching a hot stove will burn you." and at least in my world I think "Of course that will hurt." I go on my merry way thinking, I have learned something. Then I face the situation I was told about and I remember "Touching a hot stove will hurt." I, being the ever dutiful person, trying to live out what I know to be true, try to avoid touching the hot stove. But, then it happens. In spite of my best efforts I inadvertently touch the hot stove. I get burned. It hurts. I think to myself "Well I was told it would hurt, but I did not know it would be like this."

This raises, what I think is an interesting question, did I not learn? Well I don't think that is the case. I did learn. I don't think I would have tried to avoid touching the hot stove if I had not learned. I think the key is, that while I learned from being told, it is difficult to take another's experience, apply it to my life and get the same result.

I am friends with a wide variety of people. I have some deep friendships, I have some new friends, I have some friendships that have been around for a long time. Some look similar but at the same time time they are all unique. There are many relationship principles that can be applied to these friendships because, they are after all, relationships. At the same time, how those principles look after being applied may be different. After all, I am not always the same, there times when I have grown and principles are easier to apply. There are times when the other person has grown. There are times when neither of us ready to apply the principle or maybe only of us is ready. All this to say because of the very nature of relationships the out comes may be the same but more than likely it might be different.

The Lord is trying to teach me is it's not about avoiding those 'nobody told me it was going to be like this' moments. Which sometimes is what I want to do, but, about what happens because of them. I am beginning to realize the moments when I think 'nobody told me it was going to be like this' are often the times when I look back, and remember the ways the Lord comforted me, encouraged me and how it is in those moments that I grew ever closer to him.