Gift or Giver

Have you ever read a page in a book and what is being written sticks with you? It continues to stick in your mind even though it has been a couple of days since you read it or you have read numerous other things. That’s exactly what happened to me. It happened when I was reading one of the devotions from Streams in the Deseret.

There have been many devotions from this book that have stuck with me. But this particular one started with talking about how it’s easy to worship when everything is going well and there is abundance. But when it all starts to fall apart will “our heart still sing”(pg 460)? It goes on to challenge if we are able to do this then we can “know that I desire not the gift but the Giver” (pg 460).

I have been thinking about that statement since I read it. Do I love God or do I love what God gives me? Or even what He can do for me? It is a challenging thought.

Of course, in mind I thought the answer was yes. But then I remembered Peter. Peter is one of the followers of Jesus. He tells Jesus that he would follow Him anywhere even if it meant going to prison or even his own death. Jesus was so kind to Peter. He told him that the very day Peter said those words that he would deny Him 3 times before the rooster crowed. Peter denied it; he was animate, no way Lord not going to happen. Yet we know that is not how it played out. The rooster crowed just after Peter claimed to not know Christ for the 3^rd time.

Now call me crazy, but I find comfort in that. Why? Well, it reminds me that we are all human. I mean if Peter who actually followed Jesus and witnessed all that He did can deny him. Well, then that gives me hope. Hope that if God used Peter in such a powerful way certainly He can use me.

Another reason I find it comforting is well Peter already denied Christ, so when I mess up I am not the first one. I am not the only one. I have not ruined everything. God can still work in and through me. Look at what how He used Peter. He called him his Rock.

In pride when I first read, “know that I desire not the gift but the Giver”, I thought of course I love God more than what He can give me. But then I remembered Peter. Peter who said one thing with his words in one set of circumstances and who lived out and said something different in another set of circumstances.

It may be easy in this moment right now when I am not faced with a prayer that has been answered no. To say yes, I love God for who is not what He gives. But when confronted with a prayer that has been answered no. Well that may be a different story.

Jeff and I are praying that we will be able to successfully adopt. If the answer is no, and we are never able to adopt will I still love God for who is? I pray that my answer will be yes. How about you if God says no, to a very important prayer maybe it is for more children, a better job, healing from a particular disease, less children, a house, or whatever it may be what would your answer be?

Nobody Wants to Put Their Foot In Their Mouth

The adoption process has stretched and grown me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. As a self-confessed person who frequently just opens her mouth to change feet, the adoption process has been a surprising teacher regarding my sensitivity about what I say to others. That is one of the reasons I blog, to share some of things I have learned or am in process of learning, because many of the things I have learned can be applied to many different life situations. Today, my focus is on sharing what things may not be the best choice of words to say to an adoptive or in my case potential adoptive parent (AP or PAP). Now I must preface this, by laying the following ground rules:

1. If you have said one of the things on the list, no guilt involved. The person you said it to has forgotten it and moved on. Just file this away for future reference. I most likely, prior to being a potential adoptive parent (PAP), may have said one of these things.
2. I am just trying to raise awareness. I would much rather learn what not to say before I say it then my usual, well-I-know-not-to-say-that, way of learning.
3. Refer back to A & B

So with that said here are a couple of things that may be best left unsaid, or said with different words

• Don’t you want to have real children?

I think a better word here might be biological children. Adoptive kids are real kids.

• Can you have biological children?

This depends on the person and the relationship you have with the person you are asking. If you are not close/good friend, I would say, don’t ask.

• When people find out you are adopting they share the following: My friend, or cousin, or uncles’ nieces’ cousin adopted and then proceeds to tell the story of an awful situation and all the terrible things that happened.

Sometimes there are adoptions that go awry, but then there are also situations where it goes awry with biological children. Good news does not make the news. There are many, many more stories of adoption situations that are fine with nothing awful about them then there are of the adoption horror stories.

• How much does it cost?

Unless volunteered, I think this falls into the, you don’t ask someone how much money they make at their job category. If you really are interested you can Google it and get a good idea. I am thankful for Google I have learned a lot from it.

• Once you adopt you’ll get pregnant.

The percentage of people who adopt and then get pregnant is low. I have heard 3% and I have read 6% either way not good odds. However, being a fan of God could do anything; I have always wanted a reason to be on the Today show. Usually people end up on that show for awful things sometimes good things I would love to be on there for a good thing like this.

• You are so great to adopt.

I am a hopeful parent just like any other couple trying to have kids, I just happen to be adopting to grow my family. I am not sure that qualifies in the category of wonderful.

I discussed in a previous blog (click here) how it is hard to make lists of things you should and should not say to people. This is merely an attempt to help better prepare me and anyone else who might read this blog for any future encounters with adoptive or potential adoptive parents.

Hope Springs Eternal

I need to open with a replay of a conversation I had with our social worker earlier today.

Tracy: “I ‘m hoping we can get our dossier completed and sent to Ethiopia before the end of December.”

Social Worker: “I don’t think you’ll get your immigration form that quickly.”

Tracy: “Oh. Then at least by January?

Social worker: “Most Likely”

Soon after that phone conversation, I was speaking with a friend about the process.

Friend: “What did your social worker say about your paperwork?

”Tracy: “Well most likely that our dossier won’t get sent out in December, but, the crazy thing is even though we just got disappointing news this past weekend, I still have the hope that it can happen that our dossier will get sent in December.”

It made me think, hope is a funny a thing. I take that back, people who hope, can at times be funny. On the one hand we can believe like my friend and I, even if we have even been told it most likely won’t work out, we hope and even believe it still might. What I like to call “hope springs eternal”. Yet when there are situations where people are telling us to not give up hope and it will work out, we lack hope and don’t believe. What gives?

It’s a curious thing hope and belief. I wonder, I mean I really, wonder what makes us choose “hope springs eternal” when there is no reason to hope? Why do we lose hope, when there is reason to hope? For example, my dear friend Abraham, in Romans 4: 18 “Against all hope in hope Abraham believed…” So with no reason to hope, I suppose other than God said, Abraham had hope. Yet, at the same time Abraham displayed having no hope with the whole Ishmael fiasco. Clearly, Abraham should have had hope after all God had promised him. Where did that hope go?

Could it be that he had hope then lost hope because he got discouraged? Maybe he had hope because he was in a hopeless situation. Okay so wait a minute, what if that’s it? We are in what appears to be a hopeless situation that we want to be different. We choose hope. When we are in a situation and it has not worked out as we had hoped, we lose hope.

What?! That makes no sense. We choose hope in a hopeless situation and we lose hope when we are in the same hopeless situation. Why can’t I continue to have the same hope I did in the beginning? The situation is not different. I hoped and believed once before.

The culprit is discouragement. It snatches the energy from everything it comes in contact with. I came into contact with it this past weekend, when we did not get news that we hoped to get.

Discouragement can be a normal response to a situation that has not worked out the way you had been hoping. The trouble with discouragement is when it over stays it’s welcome and hinders our hope. When discouragement is about to over stay it’s welcome, for me that’s when the truth of God’s word can help show discouragement the door, so to speak.

JJ Heller’s song “Your Hands” has served to remind me of the truth that when I am at my lowest point that I am never out of God’s hands.(Click song title to see her perform this song live on KLOVE)

No One Told Me There Was Going to be a Pop Quiz

I had a math teacher in high school who would give pop quizzes. He made them super easy; I think it was his way of keeping people from skipping class. He would have questions like “How many cans are in a 6 pack?” and “What color is a polar bear?” How can you not be prepared for a pop quiz like that? I had a pop quiz in one of my core waiting classes that is required for me to get my degree in waiting and I think I failed. I mean practically bombed it, really.

Jeff and I are working on dossier and we have submitted our application into the U.S Citizen and Immigration Services Office. We were waiting for our social worker to get back to us with some news about this. We were told that we should be able to get an answer the first part of this week. That made the wait last week and over the weekend no problem. The end was in sight so to speak because both Jeff and I thought that would be today, Monday. All day we waited and no news. The later in the afternoon it got the more discouraged and negative I got. To compound my negativity, our social worker is out of the office the rest of the week for Thanksgiving. So I concluded that we wouldn’t get news until next week.

Then the quiz happened, someone asked if we heard anything to which I replied “No and we probably won’t hear anything until next week now” I realized as I answered that I was in the midst of a quiz. I was not doing well but, I had an ever so slim chance that I could maybe get a passing grade. When they then said, “That sounds negative, are you being negative?” I of course answered, “Yes” The words no more left my mouth and I knew I just failed my pop quiz.

So much for, against all hope in hope Tracy believed. To add insult to injury so to speak, I think I had a clue that I might be coming upon a pop quiz today. Because, in my quite time this morning I read a devotion that started with: “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” Matthew 9:28. It then went on to say God deals with impossibilities. I was encouraged as I read that and I thought how fitting. I am reminded time and time again that we cannot do this adoption process on our own. There are so many details that without the Lord’s help and guidance I am unsure how they would all come together.When a teacher says there may be a pop quiz, one can pretty much bet there will be a pop quiz. When you are challenged to think, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” It’s a pretty safe assume that you might get a pop quiz.

I do believe that God can do this. The struggle is to let go of my timetable. It is also a struggle to let go of the details. I know God will get us the answer, whether it is the one we want well, that remains to be seen. I also know that we will adopt. The struggle for me is, will all the details work out? I struggle worrying what if we adopt the wrong kids, clearly, I have no idea how that is possible but I at times feel that way. I sometimes worry that all my fears will happen and then, what will do? I can see that I have some more studying to do for future pop quizzes. But, I am reminded that Abraham did not start out at Romans 4:18 “Against all hope in hope Abraham believed” It was process but he got there. I am in process also and like Abraham with the Lord, I know that I will get there as well.

George Mueller a great man of faith wrote the following and I found it encouraging. I will leave you with his words in hopes that they encourage you as you prepare for your next pop quiz. ”Remember, the very time for faith to work is when our sight begins to fail. And the greater the difficulties, the easier it is for faith to work, for as long as we can see certain solutions to our problems, we will not have faith. Faith never works as easily as when our natural prospects fail.”

Is There a Major in Waiting?

When you are in high school, considering college and what would be a good major, some people tell you that you need to study something you are interested in and something you really like, maybe even love. Obviously, the theory behind this advice is that you will be spending a lot of time studying this thing and it is always easier to study something you like. As I think about that now it’s funny to me because waiting is not a topic like. As I have discussed in previous blog posts, waiting is a mixed bag and most people would eagerly pass on waiting. Yet, here I am continuing to contemplate waiting. With as much time as I have spent pondering, thinking and contemplating, the topic of waiting I feel like I am in the process of getting my masters degree, in waiting.

Recently, I have been thinking about the connection of waiting and hope. I looked up one of my favorite verses about waiting Isaiah 40:31 “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” I found it interesting that the Hebrew word translated hope in the NIV means to wait, look for, hope, expect, to wait or look eagerly for. That is why if you look this verse up in KJV you would see wait instead of hope. This definition really got me thinking. Hope and waiting are really intertwined.

I wanted to look at another definition of hope, so I looked up another favorite verse Romans 4:18 “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be.” When I looked up the meaning of hope in this verse the Greek word means expectation of evil, fear expectation of good, hope. I found this meaning fascinating. It has the negative and positive meaning. Crazy as it sounds this definition gave me hope. Because, I could see Abraham in the situation feeling both, expecting the worse and expecting the best.

On the one hand Abraham had to be looking at his circumstances, he and his wife were old, and he had to be thinking, “I know God promised my offspring will be like the stars, but how? Maybe it won’t be like I thought.” But, at the same time I can picture Abraham thinking, “We may be old, but God promised my offspring would be numerous like the stars. Having a son the way we did with Ishmael wasn’t it, we have to be having a son.”

I feel like hope and waiting sometimes collide. Because let’s be truthful when were waiting it is usually for positive things. We fear the awful thing, but we are waiting, hoping for the good. When was the last time someone said, “Yep, we are waiting for it to all fall apart and be terrible.” I haven’t heard that, I usually hear people say, “We are hoping for the best.”

I think CS Lewis had it spot on when he said, “We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” I resonate with this quote even though I am uncertain of it’s meaning. To me this is saying we are hoping for the best but we know that it does not come without a cost. I guess I think of it like this Abraham and Sarah did have a son. They had the son they longed for and wanted, they had Isaac. They had to wait 25 years after God promised Abraham. It was on God’s timetable. Sometime I think we see that and think why did God do it that way? We don’t know. Sarah and Abraham did not know. They had to wait and hope. Worry would creep in and they had to remind themselves of the truth. Against all hope , in hope Abraham had to believe.

Waiting and hoping is not easy. I continue to learn that as I progress in this adoption journey. On the one hand I am like Abraham I expect the worst in this adoption journey that we won’t be able to adopt. That is not the Abraham I want to model. I want to model the expectation of good. My hope and prayer would be that against all hope in hope I will continue to believe.

What It Isn't

Have you ever gone somewhere new and you didn’t know where to find anything? Or maybe tasks that you use to know how to do are done differently? I know when I lived New Zealand, when I first moved there I did not know where anything was, not to mention the signs were in kilometers and meters. One time I asked the person who gave me directions “So can I walk that far or should I drive?” Since I had no concept of how far a meter or a kilometer was. Going to the grocery store was an adventure. It turns out in New Zealand napkins, well, they are sanitary napkins, not, the napkins I was looking for.

Surrender is a bit like I moved to a new country. I have been here before but I never really learned my way around very well. I am trying to figure out how do I live well in this place?

I have some basic ideas of course but, my struggle is to not know surrender in concept but to know surrender in the rubber meets the road living it out in the day to day. As I have been trying to figure this out, I have started to feel like I may be doing it backwards. I feel like I keep discovering all the things that most likely are not ways to live a surrendered life.

I somehow falsely, believe that surrender means that our adoption will take another 2 years, my worst-case scenario. I am not sure how or why I think this. I totally believe that God is orchestrating our adoption and I believe that we will adopt in God’s time not mine. But for some reason, I have believed or resigning myself to believe the worst-case scenario is what is going to happen. I am not certain why I do not believe the best of God.

As I have been trying navigate the surrendered life, I have realized that while I totally believe that God can do anything. I am not certain I believe that He will do it for me. Maybe it is a way to protect myself. Maybe it is one of ways the enemy can keep me defeated. Maybe it’s both, or maybe it is something else. I am not certain. But, I do know this, that is a bald face lie from the pit of hell.

This is not a lie I want to continue to believe. I am reminded in Jer 32:27 "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me? Yes, that is the truth I want to focus on as I continue to grow in what it means to surrender our adoption to the Lord. It looks like I have learned another thing surrender is not. Which is okay because eventually all that will be left is, what it is.

Wow, I Could Have Had a V-8

Just when I thought I could not learn another thing about waiting, smack I did. Lately, it has been a lot like those V-8 commercials when they smack themselves on their forehead and say "I could have had a V-8." Except for me, it’s like "Wow, I never really thought of it like that before."

I had friend say to me, “Wow you are waiting well. It seems like it does not even bother you.” To which I replied, “What?!?”

How can it be that ANYONE would think that I am waiting well? But, then it occurred to me, she can’t see some of the torture I reserve only for my head. No one can see that I check my email 52 times an hour just to see if there is any news. No one can see that when the phone rings there is a split second that I hope it our social worker. No one can see all the thoughts that I let swirl around in my head that cause me to worry or be fearful.

I realized that part of my struggle is that I am always trying to figure it all out. Why is it taking so long? Why have we been in this process for 2 years? Do you think God is trying to prepare me for something bad?

When I go down that road, of trying to figure it all out, I then begin to brainstorm ways I can get some answers. I reason with myself telling myself that knowing is good. Knowledge is power. After all if I know then I can prepare. I’ m not against knowledge or preparing, believe me. What I do have a problem with is when these tactics are just another way of trying to be in control Ah; there it is my friend control, rearing its ugly head.

I have said it before and I will say it again there is virtually nothing you can control in the adoption process. That doesn’t keep me from trying.

It has taken me a couple of days to come to this place but I want to stop. Not stop adoption, no, no, no. I want to stop the mind games that I have let run rampant. I want to give myself over the process and stop trying to control a non-controllable situation. I feel like the baby who is so tired yet they will not go to sleep. They just won’t let themselves fall asleep. I am going to let myself fall asleep.

I have no idea why our adoption has taken so long; I have no idea how long it will take to complete our adoption. I want to stop trying to figure it out because I can’t. I realized when my friend said what she said, that I no longer want to torture my mind. I guess it took my friend saying that for me to realize the person who was making it harder for me to wait was me. Don’t get me wrong waiting is still hard and given the choice I would choose no waiting. Being the wait challenged person that I am I may even relapse for a moment. But, for now in this moment, I choose to surrender.