It's a Wonderful Process

I never knew two people could talk so much about a convertor and adapter. My husband: “So what have the people you talked to said?” Me “Some didn’t take one and some did.” Husband: “So should we get this converter?”  Me: “Will it work in Ethiopia?” Husband: “I am not sure” Me “Do you think we should get it?” Husband “What have the people you have talked to said and did?” repeat cycle. I am verge of traveling half way around the world to meet our boys!!! We also will have our court date. Converter not yet. Immunizations check. Worry check. Fear check. A dose of truth to counteract the other two check. Excitement check check. Prayer check, check, check, check. It feels a little bit like I am on a cliff getting ready to jump off. Which is funny because that is how this whole adoptwaiting process has felt.

I know I have said adoptwaiting is making me crazy. Just the other day I started to think that adoptwaiting has made me free. Maybe even free to be crazy, oh and I do mean the good kind of crazy. The kind of crazy that said lets see if we can build a plane that people can fly places in. People said it couldn’t be done, its impossible, even called it crazy. People fly almost everywhere now.

I did not sign up for it to happen. I am not certain that I could even put words to or do justice describing the freedom I am talking about. I just know that somehow through this process I am different.

My husband was asking me if I have a timeline for our adoption. I do. We started in 2008. One of the devotions in Streams in the Desert talked about how Abraham waited 30 years for his promised son Isaac. God did not tell him it would be that long, because Abraham would not have been able to handle the truth. When there was only a few months left to wait did God reveal his promise. The writer reminds us that God is not even five minutes behind “the appointed time”. I am absolutely certain, that I would have quit if I knew then, that we would not be meeting our boys until June 2011. Exactly, 3 years from when we filled out our preliminary application to begin the adoption process.

The thing about God that I have learned is that you can’t plan, make happen or try to orchestrate circumstances into the lives we want or think we want. What God can do or is doing is so much better than I can hope or imagine. Knowing this to be true in the core of my being I still struggle with wanting to control or orchestrate circumstances.

I couldn’t imagine meeting any other boys then the two precious boys we are going to meet in a matter of days. If I were in charge I certainly would have orchestrated the circumstances quicker. No doubt in my mind. But the things I would have missed. The people I have met and the friendships that I have formed. The lessons learned not to mention the intimacy that I have gained in my relationship with the Lord. I can’t even list all of the things.

I think it would be a lot like the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. When he wished that he had never been born, he did not know all the lives that would be affected by that one change. I am sure I don’t even know all that I have gained through this process.

I am thankful for all the adoptwaiting process has brought into my life. That’s how I know I am crazy. Who would have ever thought in a million years I would say that.

Worry and Stress Have Overstayed Their Welcome and Are Starting To Stink

I have heard the phrase "Adoption is not for the weak heart". I am pretty convinced that most people would more than likely not think of themselves as weak of heart. I know I certainly didn't. I am beginning to reconsider...............

My social worker called me last week she asked, "Can you talk?" I said "Yes" She said "In Private" Instantly my heart fell into my stomach and I though for certain I was going to throw up right then and there. I went downstairs and sat on the stairs as she proceeded to tell me about a medical report about our older son. At first I thought, "Okay I will call the Dr. and I'll be fine" The moment I spoke with the mean receptionist, I choked up. That’s when I realized I needed an exit plan. Clearly, I could not go back to my office. I needed to leave, and I needed to leave immediately. But my purse was upstairs in my cubical. Of course so were my car keys. I thought maybe I could call someone and they could bring me my purse. I could not remember phone numbers and the numbers I could remember I did not think subjecting them to tears was one of my better ideas.  I went back to my office. I immediately found my supervisor and told her that I had to leave.

I went home and Googled. Clearly, that was not a good idea.  I am currently on a self imposed Google hiatus. We are praying that the boys will be home sooner rather than later. So that we can figure out and deal with the concerns that were presented to us, and that we won't really know for certain what it all means until the boys are here.

For some reason this news coupled with anything adoption related, including our up coming court trip causes me stress. Much like my last post I would be hard pressed to find things that don't cause me stress. I was sharing this with a friend on the phone last night when my loving husband told me to not be stressed, and trust the Lord. Now I risk offending people and or possible causing others to question where I might be in my relationship with the Lord, yet others are shrugging their shoulders wondering why I would even bother to digress nonetheless the truth is I responded to my loving husband who was attempting to push my buttons with telling my friend on the phone how close my husband was to getting gestured. That is when it was confirmed yep, I have reached maximum overload.

I am not sure how it happened, how I got to this place. I had someone say to me that God is control and to trust Him. The smart alec in me wanted to reply " I am so glad you said THAT. That idea NEVER occurred to me." Now I am not diminishing that what they said is true. I am also not diminishing that they were trying to be encouraging. But, as I have posted before truth no matter how true is not always comforting. Also when people say that I somehow believe or think and sometimes it even feels like the person who said that thinks that I am suppose to now instantly not feel the way I have been feeling.  While my brain knows what is being said is true, I still feel stressed. It is the questions of what to do with the feelings. I feel guilty for feeling stressed and I get stressed about being stressed. I recognize the craziness in that statement. I have said more than once that adoption is making me crazy. We are now beginning to see the crazy take effect.

I wish that I could talk with Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, Esther and many of the other bible heroes who faced stressful, amazingly difficult and trying situations. I wish that their feelings of fear, worry or whatever had been talked about more. But as I wished this I began to wonder maybe they are not mentioned because in the end these people did not let their feelings get the best of them and they walked the road set before them. So then I thought, maybe in spite of my feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I am moving forward and maybe that is what matters.

Just this morning as I was rambling on about my stress and what I should be doing, I am thankful for my husband's reminder of Grace. How I need to have grace with myself. This I know to be true. I wish both of these things were not easier said then done.